Saturday, 14 January 2012

Uninhabited (2010)

Free Lifetime Porn!At a glance:
I'm now sat at the airport lounge waitin to board a flight to Phuket and I'd just like to share with you this - I've watched me a lot of annoyin island movies in my time e.g. A Perfect Getaway (2009) but this Aussie product has got to be the very worst, although we can concede it wasn't easy to film, especially on a shoestrin budget. Look away now if you don't want me to save you the grief - it's about the ghost of a girl who worked in a turtle cannin factory and died from steppin on a stonefish or somethin, as written on the official website.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Geraldine Hakewill
Penned and directed by Bill Bennett (the guy was inspired by a ghost story told to him), it features two very uncharismatic leads in Geraldine Hakewill and Henry James (pic) who play holidayin young lovers in a seemingly deserted island. Already I insist no thriller or mystery movie has a right to go 15 minutes in without droppin a single hint on what's astir but worse, these two larks don't say or do anythin camera-worthy for the longest time! During one of the many meaningless lethargic conversations they were havin, I wondered if it would've been more entertainin if a huge fluorescent sea monster came and swallowed them whole. Fin. Total runtime 15 minutes.
Perennial wonderment:
What happens when sand enters the vagina durin sex on the beach?
Reminds me of:
Pulau Besar, Malacca.You can read all about the spooky island online (explodin machinery, missin people etc) but I suspect much of the literature has been removed because the authorities are still tryin to develop the place. I'd like to go back there one day and see whether the misfortunes my family had on our worst holiday ever was indeed a one-off.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
For Geraldine Hakewill's knockers, 1/2 They kept my imagination goin as the movie dragged itself to the finish line.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
The original grave.