April Fool's Day (1986)

At a glance:

Before there were slashers like Scream (1996), there were already plenty of other movies where a beautiful teen cast would find themselves in a murder mystery, usually in a holiday cabin of some sort - but probably none took itself less seriously than April Fool's Day (1986) did. I should imagine this was a lot of fun in the cinema with friends in those days. There's Valley Girl Deborah Foreman as a prank-lovin hostess, surrounded by colourful white friends, like Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the Back To The Future films) as a beefy jock and Deborah Goodrich (pic) as a titless but nonetheless commandin blonde. The lot of them go about crackin sex jokes and playin practical jokes on each other throughout the whole film, strangely displayin a presence that is stronger than, say, the pretty cast of any Final Destination flick.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Perhaps one twist too many, when each seemingly horrific deed turns out to be a practical joke. This movie is also known for a very big twist endin that didn't endear itself to too many.

Reminds me of:

Friday The 13th movies, the gold standard of 80s slasher flicks it seems.

Most memorable line:

Nikki: Something about myself? I wanna work with handicapped children. My parents are my best friends. I start convent school next semester and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Appeal is probably limited since it appears rather dated to anyone who can't identify with its 80s cast. Love Jerry Whitman singin 'Too Bad You're Crazy' at the end credits, though.★★

Penance (2009) @ The Devil's Dungeon

"I'm sexy and I know it."

At a glance:

Penance (retitled from The Devil's Dungeon) is a Saw-type "found footage" sexploitation flick, where mumsy loser Amelia (Marieh Delfino, Auto Focus) moonlights as a stripper to earn some extra cash, while recordin her efforts as an audition video for a reality TV show. As luck would have it, she accepts a last-minute job when her stripper friend falls sick (Eve Mauro, The Chaos Experiment) and lands herself in a Gestapo-type institution where nutjob ex-gynae (Graham McTavish, Rambo) has been God's sinners with his own special brand of purifyin punishment.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Eve Mauro & Marieh Delfino

How come everyone has a video camera? Various shots proved fatal to movie logic, ruinin all credibility and mood. That aside, take a pick - uninspired actin, lousy lines and predictable outcomes. Even the strippers could've been used better.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the ratio of "found footage" films that did work to those that didn't? One out of 10, maybe.

Reminds me of:

The WIP (women in prison) movies of Jess Franco - but at least those always featured a new level of explicitness.

Most memorable line:

"I'm goin to remove your fun bits." Yes, we do have a nice spot of FGM here but it wasn't memorable.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A most unsatisfyin modern addition to the WIP genre. The DVD has loads of extras, though. ★ 1/2
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Here's a strippin sequence that works as a home tutorial for you bored housewives. Other random scenes from the movie follow.

"Are you mockin my Scottish accent?"

"Aha! Here's proof that you starred in this crap movie!"

"I said, NO WEDGIES!"

"I am a sinner... I must cut off my cock and my balls."

I like to preserve things.

Post-stripper blues?

Eve Mauro takes her kit off in every movie I've seen her in.

It's true.

Stripper audition

Cease Fire (2006) @ آتش بس

At a glance:

Please pardon my ignorant Hakka ass if you find this review culturally insensitive - but I do know a thing or two about movies and this is what I believe. When I read that the director for Cease Fire (2006) @ آتش بس is Tahmineh Milāni the foremost feminist face of Iran to the Western world, I knew that the film would be difficult to watch. Jailed for her socio-political activism, I foresaw 120-odd minutes of gender politickin, thinly veiled behind a rom-com settin of urban Iran.
Bad news on the doorstep:

"If you love me, I kill you."

Never would I expect that it was much was much worse – Milani did not even achieve her ideological projection through the film, at least to this reviewer. Her idea of pairin pretty faces Mohammad Reza Golzar and Mahnaz Afshar in a mainstream release is reported to have gone down, at one point, as the best sellin movie in Iranian history, although I wouldn’t be able to verify this. What is certain though is that Cease Fire is one of the most intolerable “good” movies that I have ever come across, in the sense that it is technically sound and yet conceptually difficult to watch. Not that we could complain of not bein able to understand Farsi – the subtitles seem competent enough (although a cat-and-mouse analogy involvin the Chinese Year Of The Cat is suspect). It’s simply the sheer tedium of havin to watch a couple play out the unbelievable premise that the two are together still despite hatin each other so very, very much. For a rom-com to sustain itself, we need to root for its characters or understand the motivation behind their actions. Here we are put through endless scenes of ridiculous domestic squabbles, so much so that it stretches film logic.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

If one could bear with such reckless story-tellin, challenge yourself further by learnin how this movie’s credits mention how it is based on an Italian self-help book, “Recovery Of Your Inner Child”, and goes on the extremely literal approach of expoundin it. Sayeh and Yousef goin about cuttin up each other’s clothes and sawin off their matrimonial bed in two isn’t only outrageously childish – it represents a diversion that discredits the story. Cease Fire should be consigned to Farsi-speakin audiences who want to watch some comedy for a change. For others who do not accept that things may be lost in translation, it may go so far as to be deemed irresponsible filmmakin. One and a half stars.

Trailer for the curious:

Let The Bullets Fly (2010) @ 让子弹飞

"I'm the director of this movie and this is what I get to do, okay Carina?"

At a glance:

Dubbed by the film's director as China's answer to Hollywood's Oceans Twelve (2004), Jiang Wen's Let The Bullets Fly 让子弹飞 is an immensely rich and successful genre-bender that will go down as one of the best movies in the past 10 years to all Mandarin-speakin territories. With even Feng Xiao Gang in a cameo appearance early in the film, Jiang Wen blends art house storytellin with commercial sensibilities to deliver an entertainin period caper about three men in 1920s warrin China - Bangde Ma (Ge You), Pocky Zhang (Jiang Wen himself in an inspired performance) and Huang (Chow Yun Fatt). It's black humour with lots of old school banditry seeped in a political battle of wits.
Bad news on the doorstep:
The cast turn in a five-star performance with each actor stealin the scenes of another; it's appropriately convoluted and sharply tackled. However, most reviewers note that some of the subtleties of language are perhaps lost to all but the native Chinese. The sequences are intelligent and weighted, although some CG work comes across very cartoonish.

Reminds me of:

The last time I had so much fun watchin a Mainland movie - One Foot Off The Ground (2006).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. Any viewer who manages to catch Let The Bullets Fly will know that the 30 over script drafts the director went over before finally bein satisfied was likely no exaggeration. With its two versions (one in Mandarin and one in Sichuanese), the film broke several box office records in Mainland China and Hong Kong, and received critical acclaim when it was released. One source has it down for a 730 million yuan (US$111.1 million) in box office, becomin the highest-grossin domestic film in China's cinematic history when it was released. Movie opens Stateside this week, almost two years since the Chinese first saw it.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

DID YOU KNOW? Chow Yun Fatt hasn't been in a Cantonese movie for 17 long years, since God Of Gambler Returns (1994), I think.

The Devil Inside (2012)

"Please don't hate me for starrin in this movie."

At a glance:

Early contender for Con Job Movie Of The Year. Another 'found footage' horror in the vein of the Paranormal Activity movies. About a girl, Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade, pic) whose mum killed three people while bein exorcised years ago. Benefits from a strong trailer featurin the very scary-lookin mum (Suzan Crowley), which doubles as a Bonjela ad.

Yet another misleadin con job visual:
a woman that appears for half a second only
and has no bearin on the movie whatsoever. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

At the Malaysian premiere where I watched this, a Malay couple left within 10 minutes of the proceedings. I wished I followed them out but me mum seemed to be enjoyin herself. Maybe they didn't dig Saint Barnabas and all this Vatican palaver but boy oh boy does this movie have some credibility problems. Multiple stream recordings give a very technical killjoy effect to the 'found footage' concept of horror. This lazy, superficial and ridiculous movie skims through all the token possession movie horror elements and also culminates in one of the most annoyin and frustratin endings in recent memory. I feel it's my social responsibility to warn you off films like these.

Perennial wonderment:

How come we're back to censorin the swearin? I watch these possession movies just to hear foul devilspeak about crucifixes in cunts (like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, 1971) and was disappointed to find that a little of its already short 83mins were cut.

Reminds me of:

Exorcismus a.k.a. The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) but at least that wasn't a con job despite not bein a very good film.

I can't remember if I cried:

When "Connect the cuts, connect the cuts..." was subtitled as "Tafsirkan luka saya, tafsirkan luka saya..."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Half a star. Plenty of loud groans from the exit crowd guaranteed.
Trailer for the curious:

The Woman (2011)

"So do you think I need to do in my thighs?"

At a glance:

For best results, read no further than the director's statement I've pasted for you here: “THE WOMAN is an exploration of the very definition of horror. It is designed to incite feelings of fear, shock, nervousness, dismay, anxiety and disgust. It is designed to make you question what it is to be civilized, what it is to be feral and all the shades of gray in between. On a surface level, the film will make you jump, it will make you squirm and, for the more sensitive, it might even induce nausea. It will make you question my intentions in making it, as well as your own desire to watch it." Okay, he might be oversellin but I don't doubt the idea. Yet another fruitful foray into disturbia, scary story writer Jack Ketchum follows up his Offspring (2009) book and movie with filmmaker Lucky McKee (that was shyte, by the way). To think they co-wrote this script and movie tie-in novel together at the same time via instant messenger! It follows that story, pickin up on the fate of the last survivin member of a cannibal clan.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Have you seen Ketchum's equally disturbin earlier story in the movie The Girl Next Door (2007)? It can get a bit self-engrossed. The odd rock music might put you off, too - though I see it was liked enough to be sellin as a soundtrack. Then again, they're even sellin replica The Woman lawn mower blades on Amazon as a horrorphile collectible, so maybe that's not sayin anythin. 

Perennial wonderment:
Pollyanna McIntosh. She makes an illiterate hissin cavewoman so watchable. This role was quite demandin. I think I'll revisit her "smart, sassy and sexy" turn (Empire Magazine) in Brit thriller Exam (2009) after this.

"Okay! Okay! I'm Scottish!"

Reminds me of:

Day Of The Woman a.k.a. I Spit On Your Grave (1978) and Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1974).

I can't remember if I cried:

When our friend gets some

Most memorable line:

Arrrghh. Euuuww. Grrrrr. Hisssss. Eeeek.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Three stars for knowin what it wants to achieve. This is way better than the first Offspring (2009) because there's less talk and more action. A fable dripped in misandry and violence. Put the kids to sleep and enjoy. 

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Do we look like a well-adjusted, cereal-eatin suburban family to you?

"That's it! I've had it with your bra-burnin, bushy-armpit feminists!"

"So... do you shave?"

"Gimme some shampoo or I'll drive this through your stomach."

"I don't really think this outfit looks good on me."

"Can you make her uglier around the mouth, please?"

The Woman That Dreamed About A Man (2010) @ Kvinden Der Drømte Om En Mand

Extra-marital sex on European parquet. Nice.

At a glance:

There's this Danish filmmaker called Per Fly - he shoots stylish movies and this Euro erotica is a good example. The Woman That Dreamed About A Man @ The Woman That Dreamed Of A Man @ Kvinden Der Drømte Om En Mand is mostly in English and features chiefly three characters only - a successful Danish fashion photographer called Karen (Sonja Richter), her husband Johan (Michael Nyqvist) and her Polish lover Maciek (Marcin Dorocińsk). After a chance encounter, the cheatin pair start havin international sex all over the place but the woman takes it to the next level by developin an obsession.

Bad news on the doorstep:
It's lauded as a psychological thriller and a character study but I've seen enough of those to insist this is just farthouse fare. Movies about extra-marital affairs probably make the most sense to cheaters themselves because, as I believe, you don't really need a reason to cheat - you just do. You can and you want to and it happens. So to its credit, this movie does skips the tedium of explainin that. However in The Woman That Dreamed About A Man (2010) we're not allowed to develop any emotional attachment to the characters, nor are they very likeable either. As a result, the climax is decidedly underwhelmin and I find the entire effort rather vacuous. It does feature some good photography though - so why not just look at the stills and forget about the movie.

"Can we turn the lights off?"

"I'm tryin hard not to laugh when I see your orgasm face."

Score!

"I'm sorry. There's someone else. He's a Pole. I mean he's from Poland."

"I need love."

"I need love."

"I need love."

"Take me, you beast."

"So,  have you figured out what the movie is all about yet?"

Perennial wonderment:

Is Sonja Richter hot? I can't decide.

Reminds me of:

Damage (1992) with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche but that was a good movie. The last affair-themed movie I watched was The Other Man (2008) and that wasn't very good either.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two stars. Rather borin. Let's hope for more substance and less style in his next movie, an intended biopic about Swedish singer Monica Zetterlund called Monica Z (2013).
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Assassination Games (2011)

"Will you stroke my pet tortoise? Will you, please?"

At a glance:

A tired genre addition featurin the Muscles From Brussels® Jean-Claude Van Damme and British hardman Scott Adkins (who replaced another British hardman - Vinnie Jones) while JCVD's daughter Bianca Van Varenberg a.k.a. Bianca Bree has the easiest role ever - a comatose wife. About two hitmen who get in each other's way as they go after the same contract. The criminal circus unfolds mostly in Bucharest, Romania. Adkins looks meaner since battlin Matt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) and apparently he'll be paired with JCVD again in Universal Soldier: A New Dimension (2012) and The Expendables 2 (2012). JVCD himself, well he looks as charismatic as ever, only that the years are really takin its toll on his face now.

I have the sexiest shoulder blades in all of Romania.

Bad news on the doorstep:
A pro hitman who plays the violin, hangs fine art on his wall and keeps a pet tortoise that he tries hard to connect with - how many more times do we have to endure the stereotype of a sentimental contract killer? Ugh.

Perennial wonderment:

Do you remember a certain Marija Karan, busty dark-haired Serbian siren? Here, she plays a random whore who gets beaten up badly and gives monologues about "gettin out of the life". She was apparently in The Rite (2011) with Anthony Hopkins too but I can hardly remember that movie. I think she was the mother of the possessed child.

Reminds me of:

"I'm a movie star. It's true."

A hundred other films before it with the same plot.

I can't remember if I cried:

When Van Damme decides to let the whore into his life because she manages to coax his tortoise out of its shell by strokin the right spot. A romance of the ages right there.

Most memorable line:

People choose their deaths when they choose their lives. Very true if you chose this DVD.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two and a half stars for finishin strong at least. Can be fun if you keep your expectations low enough.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Polish poster for Assassination Games (2011)