Dan In Real Life (2007)

Any reason will do, just to watch Juliette Binoche.

At a glance:
Dan In Real Life (2007) is a soft holiday rom-com set in Rhode Island, starrin the questionable talent that is Steve Carell (pic, do we really need this guy?) and the unquestionable talent that is Juliette Binoche, both who form a believable, sensitive couple obviously drawn to each other after a chance meet but are held back by the latter's current relationship with an overcompensatin prick of a man, played by Dane Cook, whom I unfortunately remember from that chore of a movie My Best Friend's Girl.
Perennial wonderment:
If Juliette Binoche could star in another unforgettable French movie that somehow finds its way to the French Film Festival in Malaysia sometime before I expire?
Reminds me of:
Some place cold but cosy... like a holiday home I never had.
Watch out for:
Juliette Binoche's character doin some acrobatic gymnast stretchin against the body of Dane Cook's character durin a workout, as Steve Carell's character goes green with envy. O my days, is she really 45?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's a straightforward 98-minute movie about how a widower finds out that the woman he falls for is his brother's girlfriend. It doesn't pretend to be better or bigger than it is; and it introduced me to eclectic Norwegian singer-songwriter Sondre Lerche, who provides all the tunes that make the movie. That critic guy Ebert says the songs are his only complaint about the film. I find them cheery. ★★★1/2

(500) Days Of Summer (2009)

At a glance:
Offbeat, dreamy and soundtrack-charged while amazingly maintainin a healthy distance from the dreaded teen genre we've come to loathe, this movie is a success story of sorts. Firstly, it walloped the sixth Harry Potter movie on a per-theatre basis when it went on limited release in the U.S. back in July. Then, there's multi-talented Zooey Deschanel (pic) who recently tied the knot (somethin her character found very difficult to do in the movie). Seems like everythin surroundin this gem of a date movie simple oozes positivity, down to the blue-centric colour palette used in the movie to bring out Deschanel's eyes! Told out of order with title cards to denote which days out of the titular 500 did the lovers do what, (500) Days Of Summer takes us through a serendipitous romance that is not so much witty as it is silly - but the winsome pairin of Deschanel with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (pic) as a suitor is at once disarmin and completely engagin. The male character Tom goes through courtship hell with his crush Summer, as we watch them through 95 clumsy but meaningful minutes of shower sex, Ikea shoppin and Brit pop discussions. There's even a delightful Bollywood-style musical sequence like what Toby Maguire did in Spider-Man 3.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Some elements took some shine away from the experience - plenty of tame humour and extended periods of pointless inactivity that could've been omitted. The assurin narrator who started us off on the story doesn't return to send us off on a happy endin either.
Reminds me of:
Walkin around Ikea with a male friend of mine after watchin Serendipity at 1 Utama. Gay.
Watch out for:
If you're watchin this in Malaysia, the word "penis" is cut from the park rendezvous, in case you're wonderin what that whole scene was about.
Most memorable line:
Aha! To protect you, I can't say.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. A strong finish. Prevailin social sentiments on contemporary romance elevate the movie from inoffensive to memorable. Some may wish there were 500 more of them days.

The Chaos Experiment (2009)

At a glance:
Uneventful scuffed project, starrin Val Kilmer (pic) and Eric Roberts among others. So scuffed was it that they didn't even dare release it in too many cinemas, despite a reported budget of US$ 7 million. Story? It's about a deranged scientist who locks six people in a Turkish steam bath and threatens to turn up the heat if the local paper doesn't publish his story about global warmin. Also known as The Steam Experiment. Whatever.

Chaos babes Cordelia Reynolds, Megan Brown & Eva Mauro.

Bad news on the doorstep:
To put it plainly, very unrewardin. Yep, there's a customary twist, of course. Avoid.
Perennial wonderment:
If I could ever learn to talk like Armand Assante, who plays a cop in this movie. You know, the Stallone-lip Italian mumble.
Reminds me of:
Cookin myself in the sauna as a pimply kid at Tropicana Golf Club.
Watch out for:
Eve Mauro (pic) takin off her top and walkin around the steam room askin to be raped like a whore on three weeks unpaid back rent. This is just about the only scene in the whole show that's worth any interest. I'm now curious to watch what I suspect to be her other nude roles in films such as Miss March (2009), The Grind (2009) and Wicked Lake (2008).
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
On account of Eve Mauro's tits - ★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

One Hour Photo (2002)

At a glance:
Quiet and averagely menacin, music video director Mark Romanek's One Hour Photo is a 96-minute psychological horror with themes of social alienation and obsession with ancillary discussions on the cultural and existential dangers of photography. Robin Williams (pic) plays Seymour Parish @ Sy The Photo Guy, a SavMart employee who lives his life vicariously through the pictures that he works with. He grows dangerously attached to the Yorkins in particular, a family whose photos he has been developin for many years.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Somewhat tedious and slightly broodin, the movie is said to have been ordered by studio Fox Searchlight for re-edit against the director's wishes, due to box office concerns. You feel that the movie couldda been cut a hundred ways to make a different movie. May have worked better as a short, I feel. Either that or an expansion in areas to cover, given its wonderful premise.
Reminds me of:
A talky optometrist in Uptown DU who can't stop paradin his knowledge.
Watch out for:
Exotic Danish beauty Connie Nielsen (pic), the amazingly hot ass piece of ass from Gladiator whose character incestuously fucks Joachim Phoenix who plays her brother. Doesn't ring a bell? How about the one whose character incestuously fucks Keanu Reeves who plays her brother in The Devil's Advocate? Wish I had Connie Nielsen as my sister.
Most memorable line:
Sy Parrish: "... and if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this: I was here. I existed. I was young, I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Can do with a solid but only because Robin Williams nailed it with a classy, restrained performance. And oh ladies, you get to see Michael Vartan's knob in it. Must have survived bein snapped off by the crocs in Rogue, it seems.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)

At a glance:
You could say it's one of those suspense thrillers which pivots on a plot twist that you'd have to buy in order to enjoy. I'd say it's a Turistas-type multiple hot young couple island adventure with an outlandish plot that sure got away, alright. Rated R for Rubbish.
Bad news on the doorstep:
This Hawaiian tourism promo of a movie is low on logic and doesn't give you anythin to remember it for. It stars Timothy Olyphant (the Hitman whom I hate since my girlfriend fancies bald men, pic), Kiele Sanchez (so unpopular her character was killed off in TV's Lost, pic), Milla Jovovich (never starred in a movie I enjoyed, with the exception of The Messenger) and Steve Zahn (last seen bein wanked by Amanda Peet in Saving Silverman in my records). They're all figurin out who's who in a shyte whodunit that ain't worth the movie poster its printed on.
Reminds me of:
A Pangkor vacation when I was 14. Never appreciated the waters when you're young, do ya?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Timewastin movie whose star I'd like to further halve because my midnight show at 1Utama had a 20 minute disruption. Its already overlong 98-minute runtime should've just been filled with a montage of underwater blowjob scenes featurin the white trash tattooed couple that got the least screen time - Marley Shelton (the doctor chick in Tarantino's Grindhouse) and Chris Hemsworth (Kirk's dad in JJ Abrams' Star Trek). Avoid.

World's Greatest Dad (2009)

At a glance:
Horrific, maladjusted, funny and oddly intimate, Bobcat Goldthwait's latest project (ain't seen his previous stuff but the man's apparently immovable on box office concerns) stars Robin Williams as the titular hero father (but is he?) to a fuckin nightmare of a teenage kid named Kyle (Daryl Sabara, pic) who puts Dennis The Menace with a dildo-shaped chainsaw to shame. He's useless in school, plays games all day and wanks over his dad's colleague (Alexie Gilmore) after snappin a pic of her knickers durin a dinner with the three of them. Without spoilin the movie, it's a story about one guy's path of perversion, catharsis and redemption - but it's 99 minutes of rather uneasy viewin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It seriously is fuckin depressin, if you ask me. Film was rated R by the MPAA for "language, crude and sexual content, some drug use and disturbing images" but that's really not what's so horrific about it.
Watch out for:
Robin Williams' cathartic climax, where he jumps into a pool nude. Reportedly his daughter was shocked to see it at a premiere with him.
Most memorable line:
Kyle: "You wanna know what I like? I like looking at vaginas."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This is an original, though perverse piece of work. I have to give it three and half stars because it forces you to finish the movie even if you don't want to. At any rate, you'll learn to wise up to a little somethin called autoerotic asphyxia.

On His Majesty's Secret Service (2009) @ 大內密探靈靈狗

"So... where's that tattoo of yours, Barbie?"

At a glance:
This ain't Seeding Of A Ghost or Picture Of A Nymph but there shouldn't be a single HK cinema fan who ain't goin to have a good time watchin this new Wong Jing comedy. Set in the days of lavish brothels and palace politics, the James Bond here is not a suave British spy like the movie's 1969 Ian Fleming namesake On Her Majesty's Secret Service but good ol' Louis Koo (pic) in a comedic role as a bumblin scientist-cum-emperor guardsman 009 (Zero Zero Dog in Cantonese) who knows more about inventin strange impractical devices than practical kickass kungfu.
Perennial wonderment:
For this outin, Wong Jing doesn't indulge in his usual multiple-siren lineup to drive the humour, like he did in Beauty & The Seven Beasts or The Vampire Who Admires Me. That's because if a movie is going to star the brash and bewitchin Sandra Ng, you're best off lettin her steal the screen!
I can't remember if I cried:
Riddle: With what part of a man's body should he use to feed his baby son when the toddler wakes up hungry and cryin in the middle of the night? You'll be devastatingly tickled by the answer.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Enjoyable nonsensical story about a royal coup d'etat, benefits from havin an old school storytellin format and some credible performances from its cast, not to mention some token fight sequences. Even the cutesy beauty Barbie Hsu (who plays Louis Koo's disgruntled love interest, pic) pulls her own weight beyond just smilin stupidly. Faux lesbianism and overdone eunuch jokes aside, this is one of the funniest Hong Kong movies so far this year. It's also a real Cantonese movie so forget it if you have to read the mistranslated subtitles. However if you're in on the lingo, it's time to go update yourself with some top-shelf Canto banter.★★★

Hidden Floor (2006) @ 네번째 층

At a glance:
Written by Yoo Il-han, the same man behind accompaniments Roommates, 29 February and Dark Forest - all which form an unrelated tetralogy of horror tales that did release in Malaysia back in 2007. It's evident from all four movies that Yoo does have a penchant for confined eeriness but the film adaptation for this one is technically insufficient to convey and extend that talent. Sufferin from the lack of impact is this story of a single mum and her daughter, both whom find the experience of stayin in a new apartment frightenin when a missin floor in the buildin seems to be the answer behind a spate of mysterious deaths.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Claustrophobic direction fails to double up with anythin original in its execution. Very little effort is made to expand beyond the traditional long-haired, bare-footed woman ghost and drippin faucets, not to mention the age-old 'oh-no-it's-the-same-floor-wherever-I-go' deja vu. Jerky body movements a la Ju-On are sparingly used, interwoven mostly between a semi-useful character development of its central characters - the mother, played by Kim Seo-hyeong (pic) and the daughter, played by Kim Yoo-jeong. Although the child actor offered more than a competent performance, so cliche is the relationship between the two (think the original Japanese Dark Water and Maria Bello's Welsh legend story The Dark) that their fate becomes suggestively pointless.
Perennial wonderment:
Succeeds in at least one department like Hollywood horror staples Saw and Psycho did - how a lot of action goes on in confined spaces. This limitation of parameters has become a proven formula in generatin fear and terror because people put in a suffocatin environment tend to have a greater sense of imagination, most of it negative.
Reminds me of:
Fuckin ghosts man, what else.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?K-horror is fuckin tedious, what can I say. While J-horrors prefer to centre on haunted objects or buildings, Korean ones tend to add an extra dimension by placin motive as an equally important plot device as well. However, in the same way a new object must be found to put a ghost into, motives need to diversify as well. Two stars is fair.

Gamer (2009)

Amber Valetta and Gerard Butler.

At a glance:
Death Race meets Gladiator with hints of Run Lola Run fun, as Gerard Butler bulldozes and bamboozles us through more than two hours of explosions and dirty debris in a story about societal breakdown via technological advancement. Set in a not-too-distant future where people can control other people on a empire-like gamin environment, we follow how unwillin action hero John Tillman is a death row inmate given a shot at escape by winnin an live action online game called Slayers in which he is known as Kabel. However, other forces like evil media mogul and gamemaster Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall), ratings-obsessed talk show host Gina Parker Smith (Kyra Sedgwick) and a rebel group leader (Ludacris) come into play to force a clashin of sorts.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Not even 300 more Gerard Butlers could save this movie from being a mildly amusin, below average shoot-em-up pinned down by fast visuals with low engagement.
Perennial wonderment:
If I could beat Gerard Butler in a game of House Of The Dead. I probably could.
Watch out for:
Highlight performance by TV's Dexter, Michael C. Hall, as the maniacal villain who did somethin screenworthy with his enourmous presence and a crazy musical sequence (I've Got You Under My Skin) reminiscent of Alex and A Clockwork Orange. Also, small roles for Milo Ventimiglia (Pathology), Alison Lohman (Drag Me To Hell) and John Leguizamo (Ice Age 3), not to mention a prominent paradin of freckled beauty Amber Valletta, who plays Tillman's wife in funky, plastic sex suits. She sure reminds us of Peta Wilson in TV's La Femme Nikita. Rap star Ludacris also lives up to his name by providin a completely unbelievable and cliched turn as a rebel leader.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Somewhere within Gamer is a good story but unfortunately the dour actioner just comes off as a PC game gone wrong and got projected onto a theatre screen instead. One recent film that critics like to compare it to is the 2007 actioner The Condemned, starrin wrestler Steve Austin and footballer Vinnie Jones. Critical reception to that movie was overwhelmingly negative and reviews for this one has been shapin up the same way. Oh well, at least we get a glimpse of Kyra Sedgwick on the big screen once every two years, eh? ★★

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

At a glance:
Although this PG version of Robocop-meets-First Blood is filled with complex, non-intrusive brand placement scenes, it's a simple and decidedly mild family adventure with Kevin James (pic) as a bumblin cop wannabe who settles for being a security guard at West Orange Pavilion Mall in New Jersey. The plus-sized actor sure knows where his market is, especially if you're a fan of TV's King Of Queens where he stars opposite Leah Remini. Huggable teddy bear types make good screen personalities, and the hypoglycaemic Paul Blart in Mall Cop milks the cutesy sentiments out of all decent audiences, endearin himself as a nice guy, the sort that you can't think of any reason not to root for. He's an honest worker and a lovin father, and he's trying to get a girl (Jayma Mays from TV's Ugly Betty) while beatin up some bad guys who try to rob a mall. He eats too much but he's ace at Guitar Hero. That's a sure-fire safe script if you've ever read one.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's simply not somethin that'll teach me anythin I'd like to know.
Reminds me of:
Bob Ng Hon Thong a.k.a. Lunchbox Bob, my brother.
Watch out for:
That Segway rider machine thing. I'm privy to a top secret pic I'm not allowed to publish - it shows our friendly PDRM boys testin it out. They're apparently gonna use them. Gulp.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Although the film has been poorly reviewed by most critics, one Roger Ebert points out that unlike recent comedies of this ilk, it doesn't contain any swearin or unbecomin elements. There are no gay jokes or toilet humour. Perhaps that's why it took top honours Stateside in its openin week. Many describe the movie as all round, good clean American fun. Rare as they come, Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a movie that knows what it is. Sure the villains are an afterthought and the girl doesn't do much. However Kevin James proves he has enough screen presence to go it solo if box office figures are anythin to go by.★★★

Dark Matter (2007) @ 暗物质

At a glance:
Based on true events in 1991 which I read happened at The University Of Iowa, this wallowin-rather-than-harrowin drama is about this one Chinese bloke who went to America with presumably best intentions but faced more cultural shock and uni politicking than he could handle. I only bought the disc cause I like lead actor Liu Ye (pic) whom I last saw in Blood Brothers. The fact that he's right in there with Meryl Streep and Aidan Quinn (hate this guy's face) sealed the deal. He plays a wicked professor who didn't want to be upstaged by a chink and she plays his naive wife, a woman whose passion for all things Oriental wasn't enough to avert the disaster that was comin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
If I say the name of this one Korean guy, it might spoil the movie for you in a non-immediate way. Suffice to say the movie isn't too artsy-fartsy but the climax sure isn't satisfyin. Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps the movie ends that unsatisfactory way because it's an unresolvable true story that has many helpless victims.
Watch out for:
Liu Ye's poignant academic explanation on dark matter to his mentor.
Most memorable line:
Joanna Silver: "They don't have tenses."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This movie calls for tolerance and understandin between cultures, especially in the academic scene. It's not a bad point to put across and the actin is well above average, so that makes this three stars for me.

Brüno (2009)

At a glance:
In Brüno, gay Austrian fashionista Mr. Gehard does what he did as far back as 1998 - provokin unsuspectin people with his cinematically outrageous GAP sentiments (that's gay and proud, as a fashion-conscious Yorkshireman once shared with me). He learns dildo-to-dildo combat and irks Christian pastors. He tries to go straight by engagin in a romp with pornstar Michelle McLaren (pic). He talks about human rights issues with Paula Abdul while sittin on Mexican labourers actin as stools. He chases after Harrison Ford and gets told to fuck off, an obviously unstaged footage that accurately portrays how half the world must view this horrifically absurd character.
Bad news on the doorstep:
There is such a thing as too much and Brüno just underlines the irreversible fact that his celebrated characters, at one time so devastatingly funny, have ran their course. They're simply too recognisable now and the gags have become too tedious a chore to sit through a full feature for, never mind the activist protests and public uproar.
Perennial wonderment:
Sacha Baron Cohen's incendiary interview tactics are undoubtedly ingenious, being able to bring out the ingenuous best out of the real-life celebrity and public figures whom he pursues. The use of presumably faux-German words like spooncktum is also clever if not nauseatingly near to the mind. Mockin celeb trends like baby adoption plus political correctness in language are also done well by Brüno, who insists that "African-Americans" is the right term to call anyone from the African continent because anythin other than that refrain is racist, while at the same time bringing a black baby on a talk show and spectacularly exaggeratin his love for a child who is obviously not his. However, somewhere after the first third of the movie, it becomes obvious that Borat and Ali G are both much more likeable characters than this annoyin blonde buffoon whose watchability nosedives sharply into the risque and repetitive. Brüno is simply not sincere enough for us to care about.
Watch out for:
A Cambridge scholar doin a 2-minute oral sex simulation scene with an imaginary dead person. You'll find it a godsend that the man has decided to retire all his characters like Borat, Ali G and now Brüno.
Most memorable line:
Brüno after eatin a lot of pies: "I'm committing carbicide."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Tastelessness is personified by Brüno to good, one-time box office results. May it never be repeated for as long as anal bleachin is not a lunchtime topic with colleagues at work.

Ashes Of Time Redux (2008) @ 東邪西毒：終極版

At a glance:
Nonchalant swordsman Ouyang Feng (Leslie Cheung, pic) lives the life of a desert vagabond, earnin his livelihood by subcontractin to others assassination gigs. Pitiless and cynical, his heart has long been wounded by a love he neglected then lost. But as the seasons come and go, so do friends and enemies alike, so he begins to reflect upon the origin of his solitude.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Edited from the 1994 release Ashes Of Time, Wong Kar Wai's 2008 redo can only attest to his ongoin legacy as the most celebrated HK director of these times and also the least understood as well. Whatever differences there are between the two versions that you can read about at length online, it remains that the story is essentially and annoyingly the same - a moody reflection of a hardened hitman who lives in the desert. It's talky, it's academic and it makes great viewin for art house aficionados who worship Wong for his colour palette choice.
Perennial wonderment:
If Leslie Cheung can live 300 years.
Reminds me of:
Sex in a very hot place.
Watch out for:
All-star cast of top actors - Brigitte Lin, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Maggie Cheung (pic), Carina Lau, Tony Leung Ka Fai, Charlie Young, Jacky Cheung and the departed Leslie Cheung. They go about ridin horses, wieldin swords and drinkin Chinese wine in a confusin wuxia story with wonderful music to comfort you.
Most memorable line:
"Do you know the difference between drinkin wine and drinkin water? The more wine you drink, the warmer you'll get. Water will only make you feel cold."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Best watched alone, Ashes Of Time redux or not, is a detached metaphorical piece without the arrogance of directorial indulgence but still suffers from the lack of mass appeal even among fans of Wong Kar Wai titles. If the catastrophic 1994 HK box office for this movie is anythin to go by, this revisionist project is best buried among the lesser of Wong's works. The movie thankfully does finish strong and leaves you with a very convalescent aftertaste.★★

Miracle: Menantang Maut (2007)

"Kill me. I cannot live with the shame of having starred in this movie."

At a glance:
Just caught The Final Destination at Cathay Cineleisure and I thought about this derivative crap I watched a year or two ago. If you missed Helfi CH Kardit's previous Lantai 13 (2007), this is your chance to watch an Indon horror-thriller not directed by Rudi Soedjarwo and associates.

Death by volleyball net.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Don't get your hopes up - it ain't a good movie. Within 15 minutes, any self-respectin horror-thriller fan will scream "remake". Sadly, that's precisely what it is. Havin gotten that out of the way, the film becomes easier to enjoy. However the lack of any original content puts the film among one of the most inconsequential movies you'll ever see in your life. With its pop-rock feel, I would've expected some savin grace. It has a good openin sequence and its tech aspects aren't too embarrassin. There's the wonderful opportunity to invent the latest, most interestin ways for someone to die, as you would any Final Destination rip-off. Fat chance. The only non-generic gruesome death sequence involves a volleyball net; and even that wasn't very good.
Perennial wonderment:
Is it so difficult to film new ways of dyin horribly? I could think of a few. Chokin on taufufa with a syphilitic whore suckin on your knob. Bein impaled by a dildo-shaped USB pen drive. Or a USB pen drive-shaped dildo. How about the syphilitic whore forcin the USB drive through the eye of your knob, post-coitus? Fuck me I'm a genius. How do I send this to Spielberg?
Watch out for:
Lead actress Keira Shabira doesn't really impress me, Arabian-Sundanese blood or not (supposed to spawn very beautiful people). Some of the male cast in this movie are also quite terrible. Might even make you laugh out loud. If only the pretty Nadila Ernesta (Hantu Jembatan Ancol, Kereta Hantu Manggarai) was given a bigger role, this might have worked on sex appeal. I suppose the biggest letdown here is the cast. Most of them are new and can't really act, and only half of them look good for the screen.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Wouldn't recommend this to anyone because it's a completely forgettable film with few advantages. At least Kereta Hantu Manggarai (2008) had girls in skimpy outfits!★
Bonus material: