They Wait (2007) @ Demon Days

At a glance:

Female ghost with strange black, inky arms.

Here's more on the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival. They Wait (2007) was a Canadian horror flick that most dismissed as a silly piece of work, produced by the overwhelmingly unpopular Uwe Boll and directed by Ernie Barbarash (Assassination Games, 2011) but I'd like to think the story and screenplay by Trevor Markwart is actually quite solid and intriguin, though the finished product of course, stumbles here and there. Look away now if you don't wanna read a spoiler: besides playin out a mystery that traces back to maligned sweatshop immigrants, it also skims over a topic I don't think any horror movie has ever covered before - inhumane bear farmin! We follow a married inter-racial couple (coincidentally I just watched another Chinese-Caucasian pairin in Seventh Moon last night) as they return to Vancouver for an uncle's funeral after six years abroad in Shanghai. Just as you would expect, it's open season for them starved spirits and their son Sammy (Regan Oey) starts to be able to see them like a Chinese Haley Joel Osment, subsequently fallin prey to one particular mysterious spectre, a female ghost with strange black, inky arms. Sarah (Jaime King) and Jason (Terry Chen) must figure out just what they want before dawn, when the realm of the dead would close up and the kid will be lost forever.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Terry Chen
- what an annoyin actor!

Well, the heart of the mystery is unusual and definitely not cliched but the eerie buildup is undone by some cartoonish CG work, made worse by Terry Chen (The A-Team, 2010) in a superfluous role as the nobody dad. Poor guy was probably miscast because they movie doesn't need him at all. He took too much attention away from Jaime King (Mother's Day, 2011) and made the pair look trivial. I also have a problem with the castin of the kid, whose "Eurasian attributes" go as far as havin dyed brown hair. Come on guys, get real!

Bitter, bitter.
Cured my fever?

Perennial wonderment:

Does bear bile really work? God knows I had a lot as a child. They were nasty. I hope one day the trade will stop. For further readin on the bear bile trade and just how torturous it is for our ursine friends, check out a Facebook fan page or two because that's what people do these days.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005).

Watch out for:

Shaw Bros wuxia vet Cheng Pei Pei (Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun-Li, 2009) plays the annoyin aunt with some literal skeletons in the closet. Great to see the golden oldies still gettin work.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★★ 1/2 for the story.

Shaw Brothers wuxia vet Cheng Pei-Pei.

Assassination Games (2011)

"Will you stroke my pet tortoise? Will you, please?"

At a glance:

A tired genre addition featurin the Muscles From Brussels® Jean-Claude Van Damme and British hardman Scott Adkins (who replaced another British hardman - Vinnie Jones) while JCVD's daughter Bianca Van Varenberg a.k.a. Bianca Bree has the easiest role ever - a comatose wife. About two hitmen who get in each other's way as they go after the same contract. The criminal circus unfolds mostly in Bucharest, Romania. Adkins looks meaner since battlin Matt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) and apparently he'll be paired with JCVD again in Universal Soldier: A New Dimension (2012) and The Expendables 2 (2012). JVCD himself, well he looks as charismatic as ever, only that the years are really takin its toll on his face now.

I have the sexiest shoulder blades in all of Romania.

Bad news on the doorstep:
A pro hitman who plays the violin, hangs fine art on his wall and keeps a pet tortoise that he tries hard to connect with - how many more times do we have to endure the stereotype of a sentimental contract killer? Ugh.

Perennial wonderment:

Do you remember a certain Marija Karan, busty dark-haired Serbian siren? Here, she plays a random whore who gets beaten up badly and gives monologues about "gettin out of the life". She was apparently in The Rite (2011) with Anthony Hopkins too but I can hardly remember that movie. I think she was the mother of the possessed child.

Reminds me of:

"I'm a movie star. It's true."

A hundred other films before it with the same plot.

I can't remember if I cried:

When Van Damme decides to let the whore into his life because she manages to coax his tortoise out of its shell by strokin the right spot. A romance of the ages right there.

Most memorable line:

People choose their deaths when they choose their lives. Very true if you chose this DVD.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two and a half stars for finishin strong at least. Can be fun if you keep your expectations low enough.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Polish poster for Assassination Games (2011)