Deranged (2012)

Buxom Glaswegian babe Natalia Celino moved to Spain after starring in Deranged (2012).

How can you give away the killer in the poster itself?

At a glance:

Not to be confused with the Korean ecological thriller of the same name and year of release, I believe Neil Jones' rather disastrous Deranged (2012) is a very fittin title for this little vanity project by the lead Marcia Do Vales, a Brazillian actress who also produced and wrote it. If you can stand her distractin accent and classless demeanour, then you can try finishin this DVD. Other casts in this Spain-set slasher include Craig Fairbrass (Vikingdom, 2013), Victoria Broom (Zombie Women Of Satan, 2009) and the obligin Glaswegian talent Natalia Celino (Umbrage, 2009). It's about four chicks away on a bachelorette holiday at a remote country house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Let's keep it short, lest it robs me of my time twice over. It's a low-budget genre piece with a several actors who keep things respectable but the effort is completely undone by a prologue and a poster that actually reveals who the killer is, right from the outset. This wouldn't have been a big problem if it had more goin for it but unfortunately, it doesn't. UK video store owner Dave Wain wrote a great review about how none of the girls are particularly likeable, singlin out the OTT performance from Marcia Do Vales, for she goes into moments of heightened tension soundin "like a Latino cookie monster".

Perennial wonderment:

Victoria Broom & Tabitha Quitman wonder how they'll live this one down.

Where's the labret gone, Natalia?
Oh well, have fun wherever you are.

Reminds me of:

Hmm... I didn't finish watchin Donkey Punch (2008), that other movie about British sluts holidayin in Spain. 

I can't remember if I cried:

Influx Magazine's Nav Qateel nails this one: "The best performance came when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than the scene right before she drops dead, where she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder)."

Watch out for:

The very nice Natalia Celino, a Scottish bird with monstrous tits. She gives us an eyeful in one sex scene to which she really should've have agreed, but it's definitely her (you can tell from her eye of horus tatt on her right shoulder and her pierced chin). I think she used to be a stripper or somethin like that, but she's recently had another baby and just moved to Spain last month, accordin to her rather public Facebook page. Probably to escape from the shame of havin starred in this horrible movie!

"Dude, can you shine the light here a little?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I see other interestin titles associated with Neil Jones - The Reverend (2011) and The Seasoning House (2012). As for this one, I'd say stay the fuck away.★1/2
Bonus material:
Check out the official website and Facebook fan page while it's still up.

Hard to imagine people going to its website and downloading wallpapers, really.

This is bad angle for a chick as hot as Natalia Celino. Shame on you, DOP!

I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013)

Jemma Dallender in a spot of rape & revenge for I Spit On Your Grave.

At a glance:

"I shit on your grave!! I do!!"

Director Steven R. Monroe follows up on his R & R hit (rape and revenge) I Spit On Your Grave (2010) with the inevitable I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013) -- this time with a slightly prettier lead in Kristin Kreuk lookalike Londoner Jemma Dallender (a bit like Hanna Mangan Lawrence too, innit?) and with better, more memorable villains, although they are typically East European again, as Hollywood's preferred criminal profilin will have it. The beloved critic Roger Ebert, who famously rubbished the 1978 original and its 2010 remake, is probably turnin in his grave right know, knowin that this franchise has managed to outlive him. For what it's worth, the product is a more polished, technically accomplished concept sequel with improved realistic torture for you gore hounds out there. This reboot features Katie, a wannabe model who gets more than she bargained for, after agreein to a free photo shoot with some dodgy blokes. Highlights include an extended rape scene on the floor and several good kills involvin a shitty toilet bowl (literally), a cement mixer and an electric prod, not to mention an excellent nipple removal scene reminiscent of Grotesque (2009), plus the best, most graphic castration scene I've ever seen on film.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We gotta nip it in the bud, I say.

I think it's a story of two halves, in more than one sense. The rape bit is nasty, steady stuff. However the revenge bit, which I believe to be central to makin these kind of movies work, is only partially present. Jemma Dallender actually commands a stronger screen presence than her predecessors Camille Keaton and Sarah Butler but the narrative robs us of any sort of meaningful reflection on the part of the aggrieved character that would have made retribution sweeter. The downtime I'm talkin about involves only a subway pigeon roast and a few half-arsed conversations with a sympathetic priest in a church. Notwithstandin some logistical concerns that plague the story and requires frequent suspensions of disbelief, Katie's unlikely escape and rebirth as the hellbent avenger is hard to relate to because she goes from desperate, helpless victim to a calculated, punchline-hurlin badass too quickly. She seems to have forgotten about the anguish that drove her so far in the first place, while we have been invested to see her keep it, especially for the decisive moments in which she is to exact her revenge. Huntin down her captors become an exercise in car-crash curiosity and the payoff we ask for is reduced to a series of shock violence and human depravity.

Jemma Dallender is a little tied up at the moment.

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

Perennial wonderment:

How should we do I Spit On Your Grave 3 ? I say, have a male lead this time, a pizza guy maybe, who gets raped and tortured by some old maids. Any better ideas? Drop me a line below.

Reminds me of:

I Spit on Your Grave / Day Of The Woman (1978) and Thriller - A Cruel Picture (1974). It's rare but I do find that this movie has actually provided a reasonably more entertainin modern times reupdate on those rape and revenge movies, although it broke no new ground.
I can't remember if I cried:
The nipple removal scene!

"Hmm... I wonder what this does..."

Most memorable line:

None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Starburst Magazine's Paul Risker framed it well: "For all the controversy of Straw Dogs' notorious rape scene, the film remains a reflection of the ideologies of its director Sam Peckinpah. It explores the individual’s relationship to violence and the necessity of violence for survival. Whilst this reflection is embedded in the film’s subtext, I Spit on Your Grave 2 asks you to attempt to find a reason to celebrate it by projecting meaning and metaphor onto it where none exists." The movie could have been 15-20 minutes shorter, to achieve what it did. By the way, I saw a 107-minute version, so don't get shortchanged because I read that there are some festival cuts around.★★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you below but I don't suggest you click through unless you don't intend to watch the movie. Enjoy!

Joe Absolom gives it up for the best castration scene in cinema history.

Paku Pontianak (2013)

Sidek Hussein has been carrying around this facial growth for 30 years. Horror movies always benefited from it. Apparently he's gonna have to operate soon.

The nail of necrophilia! Nice design, too.

At a glance:

Metrowealth's 85th title Paku Pontianak (2013) (lit: Vampire's Nail) aims to repeat the trusty but tired formula that has made them some money in the past, like Santau (2009), Mantra (2010), Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012) and most recently Minyak Dagu (2013), the last in that list I believe is the only horror production of theirs that has managed to turn in a profit so far this year. Reportedly shot for some RM 1.82 mil, it's a pretty standard genre exercise, about a labu sayong maker played by Pekin Ibrahim who bangs some chick in the middle of the road and takes her into his home to care for her. Yes, it's definitely a missed opportunity to sensationalise the traditional Malay gourd-shaped clay carafe industry like what Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore did for pottery in Ghost (1990), since they drove so deep into Kuala Kangsar to shoot, yet failed to take much from the culturally rich locale. Anyway, the fella bangs some chick (debutante Uqasha Senrose) on the road and brings her home to care for her since she's conveniently lost her memory as well. Time passes and his mum (Ruminah Sidek) starts to push for marriage in view of the gossipy villagers, but a jilted fan of his (debutante Hidayah Samsudin, fresh from her SimplySiti Star Search win) comes up with the theory that her rival is actually a vampire. Jeez, I've got to move to the country some day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Some good did come out of this movie, eh?

Well, this might go down as one of the most beautiful movies in the world for the lead couple who met and got hitched on set (Pekin insists he has known Uqasha since the both live in Subang but have never exchanged words), but for the rest of us who are dyin for some fresh horror chops, it's only the most recent in the catalogue of MIG titles that you start to forget even before walkin out of the cinema. Ismail Bob Hashim gets another go at horror after Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012), but it's the same Brian Ng sound mix (I like the guy, by the way), the same David Teo box office pantun pontifications, the same haunted angles, the same Ella Sandera makeup SFX and even the same tray of black magic paraphernalia, it seems. To MIG's credit, it has slightly more character development than usual, built on the otai boost of Ruminah Sidek and Sidek Hussein. However, most of the characters add little dimension to the story and I'm sorry to have to single out Uqasha Senrose here for a grossly uneven debut performance that really made no difference to the role and looked even worse next to Pekin's masterful nuances.

Perennial wonderment:

"So, is your skin as nice as Robert Pattinson's?"

Twilight notwithstandin, how many human-vampire romances have we seen recently? The director confesses to usin Nang Nak (1999) as a reference but he strangely brings this up as a positive distinction in a TMO clip. Well, the latest reupdate on that age-old Mae Nak legend just happens to be the new Thai box office champ, Pee Mak (2013), so what did Paku Pontianak bring to the table? Did they drive that crane so far deep into Kuala Kangsar to come away with such a pedestrian effort? What's so special about this story that it needs to be told? Even with low expectations, things have gotten very stale in the MIG stable.

Hidayah Samsudin tries to get her man back.

Reminds me of:

The Kuntilanak trilogy. Yep, I saw all of them. I persevered because Julie Estelle starred in all of them but they really got worse and worse!

I can't remember if I cried:

When I count how many MIG movie I've seen. I really enjoyed Santau (2009) but things have just been goin round in circles and I'm just dyin for MIG to try somethin like Centipede Horror (1984) someday.

Watch out for:

Adiba Yunus should've been the lead!

All eyes are on 21-year-old Kelantan-Siamese beauty Nik Zaris Uqasha Senrose Nik Sen and she is kinda cute but the real sex appeal and commandin female performance in this movie belong to Adiba Yunus (Siti Adibah Mohd Yunus) has risen up the MIG ranks from a mere film extra. She plays the suspicious sister Suraya with sharp conviction that is neither annoyin nor frivolous. I'll resist writin another paragraph on her seductive dominatrix looks out of respect but I do hope we'll get to see more of her. Oh, she's apparently landed the lead role in the upcomin Nasi Kangkang. Wow, my day just got better.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Box office voodoo!

Pekin Ibrahim shines but this is essentially the same punt forward with the familiar big reveals and convenient tie-ups near the end. The third act is a real downer and I really don't fancy these lazy expositions. That bein said, Paku Pontianak is actually a slight improvement on several technical fronts. How about breakin the PG-13 mould by goin for somethin that will really get the industry talkin? Oh well, I do hope Pekin and Uqasha get married next year -- then somethin great would have come out of it.★★
Bonus material:

Well, they have to promote it, don't they?

L-R: David Teo, Uqasha Senrose, Hidayah Samsudin, Adiba Yunus, Along Eyzendy, Pekin Ibrahim.

The Haunted Dollhouse (2013)

Tranny cop sex: Just in case you're not confused enough in The Haunted Dollhouse (2013).

At a glance:

Wanna take it out and check if I'm anatomically correct?

At first, I thought this 2013 omnibus horror from Full Moon Features is actually Devildolls (2012) because the latter lists it as an alternative title and most items on its IMDb page seem to check out. When I discover that none of the vignettes match the synopses of the movies they were apparently culled from i.e. Demonic Toys a.k.a Dangerous Toys (1992), Ragdoll (1999) and Doll Graveyard (2005), I realise it's actually a completely new release, but again, culled from other Full Moon movies! Anyway, I'm glad to know that producer and director Charles Band is still goin strong. In all fairness, at least the doll theme is legit, so the package does do what it says on the tin. The first part, culled from Skull Heads (2009), is called The Protectors and is about some thievin con artists who pretend to be Hollywood filmmakers on a location recce, so as to loot an old Italian castle, but soon discover they're up against some skeletal creatures who can zap dead people into zombies. The second story, culled from Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008), is about the superstitious practice of worry dolls, set against a women-in-prison backdrop. The last story, Demonic Toys, is culled from Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993) and I couldn't even tell you what goes on here because I was already too confused to follow after the second story.

Jessica Morris has nice eyes. Oh, the CGI skull dolls are cool too!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Yep, we have a bad case of over-packaged under-editin here. Characters zoom by, emotions change all too easily from scene to scene and your understandin of events oscillate accordingly.

Perennial wonderment:

Nothin to wonder here. It's obvious that blatant repackaged anthologies like these should serve only as a callin card for us to look up the originals from which they were culled. It's definitely preferable to have endured a bad movie in its entirety than to have seen only parts of a potentially good movie, so imagine havin to watch mere parts of movies that are probably bad in the first place!

Robin Sydney with barely any plot or clothes to work with.

Reminds me of:

All the times I watched those Chucky movies. Did you know that the fear of dolls is called pediophobia? Well, better a pediophobe than a paedophile, eh?

I can't remember if I cried:

When this palm-sized chick in a bikini starts screamin even before she turns around to see what she was supposed to be afraid of. Ah, Melissa Behr. Who cares if you can't act when you look so good still?

Dry humping your elderly servant while she's cooking in the kitchen.

Most memorable line:

How often do you hear someone say the word "obstreperous" in a horror movie? This sure is some FUBAR shit goin on here.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Feeling fucked yet?

Culture Crypt nails it: "Remember the heyday of Blockbuster Video, when a new Full Moon release meant hands that eagerly clutched a VHS tape with excited anticipation to see not only the movie, but the ahead-of-their-time Videozone segments that played after the film? Those days are over. They have been over for several years, in fact.  The exact beginning of Full Moon’s decline is difficult to pinpoint. One top candidate for that dubious honor may be their predilection for filming two movies at the same time when in actuality they were splitting one cohesive story into two separate films (see Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 for an example). Now, like Devildolls before it, Charles Band attains a new low in fan exploitation by presenting an 'anthology' that is actually three truncated versions of previous Full Moon films cobbled together into one semi-coherent disappointment." Go there for what I consider to be the most definitive review on this unfortunate movie, if you even could call it that.★★
Bonus material:

Melissa Behr has a stunning body. Wonder what she's up to these days?

The Victim (2011)

The incredibly tempting but titless scream queen Danielle Harris.

Real life lovers Michael Biehn and Jennifer Blanc.

At a glance:

The tagline asks: "Who is the victim?" Well, you mostly likely are, if you sat through this, like I did. The Victim (2011) is written and directed by Hollywood veteran Michael Biehn who couldn't resist also starrin in the damned thing, while castin his buxom wife Jennifer Blanc opposite him. Well actually, they started their own production house and this is the first of three pictures they shopped, I think. It's an R-rated effort about two sluts (Blanc and the equally trashy Danielle Harris) who are fixin to get it on with two police officers (Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood) in the woods but their tryst is compromised and Blanc's character escapes to a cabin inhabited by a mysterious loner (Biehn). Title refers to the guessin game we have to play, as we try to figure out their competin stories on just who is bein fucked over here.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Ryan Honey takes forever to come with Danielle Harris in The Victim (2011).

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn and Danielle Harris.

Reportedly shot over 12 days for US $800k, mostly in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu, California, and marketed as grindhouse fare, helmer Michael Biehn apologetically said he "got the sex in, because I didn’t have money for special effects makeup, I didn’t have money for visual effects. I didn’t have money for crowd scenes of car chases, nothing like that and so I just went with the sex, dirty cops, drugs, a little bit of torture, and enough to do a little bit of action, and I threw in a serial killer." Well, that's all well and good but The Victim largely suffers from a structural issues i.e. unhelpful flashbacks and music that are well sourced but don't work. The onscreen sex between the husband and wife team is so sudden, it's hilarious. Biehn will always have his fans but I think Mrs. Biehn's actin and delivery still has some way to go. She's pushin 40 but she's got a voluptuous body, though.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the next level for Danielle Harris, I wonder? She's famous now after doin the Halloween and Hatchet movies, and I seem to always end up watchin her less illustrious appearances as well, such as Stake Land (2010), Cyrus (2010), ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011) and most recently Fatal Call before this favour to Michael Biehn.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Blanc pleasures Denny Kirkwood in The Victim (2011).

Primal sex in the woods with betattooed women of loose morals... or was that all a dream sequence? Oh noooooooo ...
I can't remember if I cried:
What kind of girl would offer to give head in exchange for "living a little longer and doing something I've always enjoyed"? The kind of girl in a B-grade sexploitation flick, I guess. Oh, and what kind of guy would allow a girl to? An incredibly stupid one, that's for sure.

Most memorable line:

Some weak lines throughout but please do check out Michael Biehn's bizarre monologue on sociopaths in the closin scene, about "touching the face of God".

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Biehn at work.

Alan Cerny of Ain't It Cool News acquits The Victim as "a fun sleazy grindhouse film", in which Biehn was lauded for both givin a good performance and gettin good performances out of his actors. I can't say I can be as excited for it, but watchin the end credits reel does make me feel more forgivin towards the people behind it, who must've put in a lot of effort. I guess if I were Michael Biehn, this would definitely be somethin I'd proud to start out with. Good luck for your next try, sir. ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Danielle Harris. Not my kind of body type but she got heat, alright.

Bisikan Syaitan (2013)

"Why did you put the twist inside the synopsis ?!?! Why ?!?!"

Nabila Huda all sullen, like.

At a glance:

This might not be the longest 80 minutes of your life, but film editor Faizul Rashid's debut feature Bisikan Syaitan (2013) (literally: Satan's Whisper) suffers the stunnin marketin incompetence of havin a widely circulated synopsis that effectively reveals the big twist in the movie. Why do things like this still happen? What a fuckin waste of time it was for me. Who am I to ask for a replacement DVD or download voucher apology from Grand Brilliance producers Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin and Latiff Mohaideen for havin sat through this farce? Bisikan Syaitan is a sorry shyte excuse of a supernatural horror, shot at Frasers Hill and Kuala Kubu Baru for a reported RM 1.5m. It opened in Malaysia last month, rakin in some RM 790k.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Can't you give me a better T-shirt?"

If that's not bad enough, stick around and run through the genre tropes with me. This movie is about 20 or 30 years behind time, with all its cardboard characters and cheesy scare scenes. Maybe some of these actresses take the term Scream Queen in horror movies to mean you have to scream an awful lot. Screamin at the top of your lungs in every distress scene is not actin! Nabila Huda is ace in any bohsia role but she's no scream queen. The other actress, Wan Sharmila, commands no screen presence and apparently a steamy scene between her and Fizz Fairuz was lost to the censors.What's left? A Tweety t-shirt and a whole lot of screamin.

Perennial wonderment:

How many times have we seen a good premise on paper, completely lost to rubbish execution? Maybe that's why some of the older MIG horror flicks were quite watchable -- they had some measure of pace and execution, to mask its inadequate story. Workin with Nanie Ishak's script that
has everythin from watermelon and coconut juice to human placenta and explodin computer screens, how did it turn out so bad? Whispers here, whispers there. Whispers do not make a movie!

Reminds me of:

The last time I enjoyed a horror movie at home was 9-9-81 (2012) a few weeks ago. In a cinema? Probably as far back as Laddaland (2011).

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hey yo wassup you hospital folks y'all? Where da party be at?"

Dynas cameos as a doctor. Talk about bein miscast. All that flowin hair, walkin in and out of ORs like it's a Pantene ad. When will they learn? Wotta joke. What can you expect from a movie that screws up the font spacin in its title cards?

Farrah Nadia

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Doe-eyed child actor Farrah Nadiah is by far the best thing about this terrible effort, though I can't knock Fizz Fairuz for anythin. I can't believe them guys left that cliched last scene in the final cut. You know I'm only angry because I care. This was a piss poor project, even for the undemandin local standards. Back to the drawin board, fellas.★1/2
Bonus material:

"You're under arrest for starring in a criminally poor movie."

The Forbidden Girl (2013)

Luscious Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen goes batshit occult as The Forbidden Girl (2013).

At a glance:

They even managed a nipple on the poster!
You lucky little nipple you!

Marketed as "a supernatural 3D mystery thriller in the vein of Dracula and The Others", European Motion Pictures / Shoreline Entertainment's ambitious German product The Forbidden Girl (2013) is a dissonant mess that I suspect hardly got shopped, since they didn't even bother to complete buildin the official website. They did manage a DVD release though, so we do get to see it. It's a low-budget horror-fantasy in English and with a nipple or two thrown in, just like those old Italian flicks that have become a cult classic. The convoluted story centres on a young fella named Toby (Peter Gadiot) who is released from a nuthouse after several years and lands himself a job at an old castle, tutorin a nubile nympho named Laura (Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen in the titular role) who just happens to look exactly like the ex-girlfriend he lost to some mysterious werewolf creature ages ago. There's also an old lady (Jeanette Hain) in the house who gets younger by the day and her creepy loyal butler Mortimer (Klaus Tange) who likes to eat bugs and wield axes. Apparently Till Hastreiter, a TVC director who teaches low budget filmmakin in Third World countries for the cultural body Goethe, got the SFX guys from Martin Scorsese's Hugo (2012) to do this over three years in a self-built studio in a Berlin backyard.

Roger Tebb: "All love is forbidden from now until the day you die."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Beautifully photographed but sorely lackin an emotional centre, not to mention some jarrin elements that simply don't sit well together e.g. characters that seem to belong to different times and different cultures! The leadin lady Jytte-Merle Louisa Böhrnsen treats us to her topless delights every now and then but the movie is neither sexy nor sensual -- just a lot of meticulous framin and colour correction!

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that there simply aren't enough 3D movies to fill all the word's 3D screens? A statement from the distributor insists that "even a moderate budget production has a very high chance of going theatrical in the U.S and the rest of the world now" when it comes to the lucrative new format and that's why they gambled on the movie. Hmm... that would explain why this movie scantly had a need to be in 3D !

Reminds me of:

Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen and Peter Gadiot in The Forbidden Girl (2013).

That other 3D horror dud, Dario Argento's Dracula (2013) reupdate. The story unfolds just as slow as that Nightwing movie Imaginaerum (2012).

I can't remember if I cried:

When I realised I had to rewind this from time to time because I keep zonin out of the conversations. There goes the night, havin watched yet another B-movie to torture myself.

Most memorable line:

"By your powers combined... I am Forbidden Girl!"

There are lines in this movie like "It's cool to try new things, right?" and "She does look like me -- only the hair sucks." Talk about turn-offs!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Theatrical, talky and too much of an effort. The more interestin the visuals got, the further away from the story we drifted. Should be cut up and despatched as multiple Marilyn Manson music videos. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's unwatchable. Special mention goes to makeup artist Emilia Seifert.★★
Bonus material: