Mael Lambong (2012)

"Kau ni muka saja cantik tau. Kerana bala kau ni, habis aku punya rezeki!"

At a glance:

Little Miss "So White" Juliana Evans

Ostensibly enjoyin independence from the MIG regime for some time now, director Ahmad Idham's Excellent Pictures has a straight-forward shot in tryin to emulate the RM 8.53 million Malaysian box office success (accordin to the FINAS jokers) that is Hantu Bonceng (2011), its best foot forward to date. The repeat bet is top funnyman Zizan Razak's pairin with the beautiful little miss "So White", Juliana Evans. Story is an expansion from a character Zizan did on TV's Maharaja Lawak. The titular Mael Lambong (or his less illustrious birth name Ismail bin Haji Embung) is a self-aggrandisin, seasoned car repo man who chances upon the mysterious Maria (Evans) durin one of his many RO sheet-servin exploits. Somehow his car driftin skills bring him back to his Terengganu hometown where he's forced to confront the ignominy of his almost-bride Rozie (newcomer Shenthy Feliziana), now betrothed to the ridiculous village brute Abang Tiger (Taiyudin Bakar, who used to go by Sallehuddin Abu Bakar in a memorable non-pro appearance back in Azharr Rudin's This Longing a.k.a. Punggok Rindukan Bulan, 2008). Shot around Kemaman in Terengganu, the set is boosted by the East Coast backdrop and makes good use of cultural add-ons like a native dance at the beach. Check out the official Facebook fan page for more info.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Shenthy Feliziana

Startin on a very strong note with plenty of action scenes punctuated by trademark Zizan lines, Mael Lambong surprisingly fizzles out midway and breaks down into the kind of farcical tedium we saw in Kapoww!! (2010). The smaller roles (Shuib Sepah, Sabree Yunus, Azwan Annuar) help little while both female leads (Evans and Shenthy Feliziana) are terribly pedestrian despite bein onscreen opposites. Meanin, you couldda put Lisa Surihani in a double role there and she'll just pout herself through
(à la Kirsten Stewart) to the finish, no problemo. The sound mix is excessively varied, too.

"Kereta memang laju, tapi bayaran bulanan yang
tak berapa nak laju tu, pasal apa?"

Perennial wonderment:

Juliana Evans or Diana Danielle? The former is two years younger and seems to be turnin "whiter" as she ages, as if to live up to her name. This is her most prominent feature role since her debut in Kami The Movie (2008). Definitely one of the few Malaysian talents with actual talent, although yet to establish her forte, havin grown up doin everythin from TV hostin to bit-part emcee work.

I can't remember if I cried:

The special effects department need to buck up because that plaster-like scar on Zizan's face is piss poor. Even the youngest upstart reviewers can single out this scar to be unfortunate distraction.

Most memorable line:

"I can get you in. No cover charge."

The funniest moment in the whole film for me was hearin Zizan's on-the-fly syok sendiri lyrics to Santana and The Product G&B's 2000 hit Maria, Maria. However, the most important scene would probably be the sexually suggestive fight scene between Zizan and Evans.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Really should've just stuck to the repo man main story. Anyway, Mael Lambong's box office take will stop somewhere short of RM 6 million, I reckon. If you like the film enough, go bid for the red Toyota Soarer E MZ II that Zizan uses in the film. It's bein auctioned off with a RM 5,000 start! ★★1/2
Bonus material:

I wonder, you know. I really do.

Gerimis Mengundang (2012)

"Aha! Now the boys will believe I had me some Danish pastry."

At a glance:

Boy is this piss poor movie. The title Gerimis Mengundang (Malay literal: "drizzle invites"), also a theatre play earlier in the year, is a nod to the '96 hit ballad from Malay rock band SLAM (not coincidentally, the lead character is named Zamani after the band's frontman). Story? Indonesian ambassador's daughter nearly decapitates Sabah Air pilot in a Kota Kinabalu jet ski mishap but obviously romance must blossom, stretchin the requisite 90-minute runtime.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Managin a meagre RM 220,000 at the Malaysian screens accordin to the FINAS jokers, this is likely the worst Malay movie I've survived since 2 Alam (2010) and I do feel sorry for its scribe Azwan Annuar, a nice guy whom I know. It plays out like an encyclopaedia of moviemakin errors for film students to take note of. Its amateurish editin, invasive music score and total disregard for a need of Act I, Act II etc. are horrific, but nothin is more terrifyin than the completely non-existent chemistry between the two leads, which trumps even the travesty of Joey Exist and Julie Ziegler in Toyol Nakal (2011) accordin to one review. There is no reason to believe they love each other, hate each other or even have met each other - maybe they shot them separately with a green screen!

"Fuck me, I can't believe I'm wearing the ugliest jacket in the world for this movie."

Perennial wonderment:

Henny Yuliani and Dhitra Marfie,
who looks like my friend, Kurt.

Why do they bother with these collaborations? Are there tax reasons? Silly serumpun sentiments? Add this entry to the recent spate of Malaysian films with strong Indonesian input: Christine Hakim, Dian Sastro and Slamet Rahardjo in Puteri Gunung Ledang (2004), Teuku Zacky in Kayangan (2007), Tamara Bleszyński in Cicakman 2 (2008), Samuel Rizal in the appallin Sayang (You Can Dance) (2009), Revalina Temat in Cintaku Forever (2007) and not to mention other suspect movies like Diva (2007) and Tipu Kanan, Tipu Kiri (2008).

Reminds me of:

It's got a scene or two at the Sutera Harbour Resort, a beautiful place I once stayed.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hmm. I wonder what this button does..."

After you've forgiven Kamal Adli for the ugly black jacket he wears in the movie and his longtime real-life model girlfriend Intan Ladyana for not givin him much wardrobe sense, let's get to his actin. He had publicly admitted he was out of his depth for the theatre adaptation so I'm afraid how bad that must've been because in this movie, he's pretty rubbish. To think this Aku Ada Kau Ada (2012) actor was even Pelakon Harapan nominee sometime ago for his role in Niyang Rapik (2010). He's all over the place here, with a comically illogical character arc that leaves us gigglin each time. There's even a scene of him cartwheelin across vege stalls while chasin a thief in Kota Kinabalu's Filipino Market. O my days, who should be shot - the action director or Kamal Adli?

Olivia Jensen: Decked in sinuangga and tapi,
Kadazan gear never had a hotter, whiter model.

Watch out for:

Olivia Lubis Jensen, the Copenhagen-born, 19-year-old lolita of Danish-Indonesian descent. She put in a remarkably mature contribution and provided the only reason to finish the film, if you could manage it. Decked in sinuangga and tapi, Kadazan gear probably never had a hotter, whiter model. She's also the only Indonesian in here without the unnatural, overclear baku that plagues the other performances.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Like Indonesian reviewer Daniel Irawan, I think this is a technical disaster of love story template that may have served more as diplomatic downtime between the two squabblin nations. And like my colleague Fadli over at Tontonfilem, I too found Olivia Jensen's snow white thighs to be the sole consolatory highlight of this otherwise putrid film. ★
Bonus material:

See what I mean. Were they even in the same movie?
No chemistry whatsoever.