Paper Moon (2013) @ 紙月亮

In Paper Moon, the DOP fashioned a wau from Chrissie Chau's bikini.
Okay, I lied, but they might as well have done that, seeing how bizarre it was.

At a glance:

"Whaddya mean I can't wear this in Kelantan?"

Earnest but every bit as flimsy as its title, Double Vision / Astro Shaw's Paper Moon (2013) a.k.a. 紙月亮 is a peculiar PG-13 / CAT IIB botched time-lapse romance and I wonder how many of its shortcomings the wayfarin TVB director Stanley Law Tak Ming 羅德明 of Ice Kacang Puppy Love fame would admit to himself. Budget-backpedallin to the tune of RM 2.37m only to see an embarrassing collection of just RM 170k over its theatrical run back in January, it's actually a gorgeously shot picture with an luscious production design and several notable Hong Kong stars in its fold. Stars they indeed are, unless you're as disgusted as Anthony Wong when it comes to leggy leng mos like Chrissie Chau Sau Na 周秀娜. We'll come to that later. This cinema release is like an origins story based on the ntv7 teleseries The Iron Lady, starrin the wonderful Yeo Yann Yann as a ball-breakin matriarch of some sort in period times. I'd hate to giveaway the connection, seein that it's also a spoiler but if you've read the vastly differin synopses out there for this movie, you'd realise that the package is suspect from the off.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Seriously man, when are they gonna call a lunch break?"

Several structural surprises short of goin great guns gonzo, Paper Moon is guilty of makin token references to everythin, includin its eventual connection to the TV series. After you have forgiven the jarringly staged flashbacks, and the intrusive score and sound mix (so often the bane of sappy Sino sentimentality and all forms of Oriental melodrama), we arrive at several most unfortunate chemistry no-go's, the most fatal bein -- who the hell is gonna buy a Lam Ka Tung and Chrissie Chau romance? Worst than havin no affinity with each other, ol' Gordon looks like he genuinely couldn't bear bein in the same room as her. The skinny? It's a convoluted caper about a poor and bitter kitemaker in Kelantan who comes across a sexy tourist one fine day. However, the deluge of sudden info in the final act will befuddle you no end. There's a lot of shoutin and cryin but nobody is touched.

Sucking eggs always leads to sex.

Perennial wonderment:

How Chrissie Chau maintains her Kim Kardashian career is beyond me. Forget the little known Best Actress awards and the name brand of Chrissie Chau for a minute to consider her performance at face value. Is she pullin off the crossover? She tries very hard but sadly, these dramatic roles are beyond her depth. Maybe in 10 years she can be the new Shu Qi but now that they've had a go with her and seen the results, maybe we oughtta keep her in the negligee catalogues with Angelababy for now.

Reminds me of:

Talkative ex-girlfriends (not mine) who send long text messages and cry all the time. Annoyin!

"Hmm... will Nik Aziz approve of us?"

I can't remember if I cried:

When Gordon Lam spoke some token Malay. That sums it up, really. Too much token and too little thought bein placed on tidyin up these disastrous character arcs.

Watch out for:

Some sex scenes on the DVD that didn't make the big screen. They were nothin much but at least singer Tedd Chan 曾国珲 got a go at Chrissie, eh? Good on ya, son.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

At least Tedd Chan got a go at Chrissie, eh?
Good on ya, son.

Two or three rewrites were sorely needed to save this epic wannabe and wannabe epic. Wau, this movie has really brought out the worst puns in me. Bin my keyboard and shoot me already.★★

Long Arm Of The Law (1984) @ 省港旗兵

Lam Wai 林威 stars in Long Arm Of The Law (1984) 省港旗兵

At a glance:

An obviously dated but important Chinese film that predates all the John Woo gun movies from Hong Kong that we celebrate. Director Johnny Mak Tong Hung 麥當雄 gets some cold-blooded actin out of exploitation flick staple Lam Wai 林威 (pic) in a movie where everyone's a bad guy. It's about how a bunch of Mainland ex-soldiers travel to Hong Kong hopin to pull off some heists and make the kind of money that they can never make in 100 years workin in China (referenced in the film). Hooray for Capitalism. Hooray for exploitation cinema.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Might be difficult to find this film in its entirety (not those episodic YouTube uploads). Might be more difficult to find out why it's good cinema if you're just a regular movie buff. This was one of the earliest films for villain staples like Chan Ging and Shum Wai.

Watch out for:

A climactic gunfight through the mazy, squalid squatters in what was once the lawless Kowloon Walled City. Fuicho. Some really OTT executions, too.

Most memorable line:

"I am a Mainland boy. I don't know my ABCDs. I do things without any love or interest. Don't try to be funny with me. What are you, whore? You're a rotten tomato. You're a chicken biscuit. Now, strip!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Eye-openin crime flick about how it used to be durin the days of givin your brother a Dupont lighter to show him how you've made it big. Long Arm Of The Law (1984) was ranked #6 on the list of Best 100 Chinese Motion Pictures durin the 24th Hong Kong Film Awards ceremony on 27 March 2005.★★★
Trailer for the curious:

The Viral Factor (2012) @ 逆战

How come Liu Kai Chi always plays a crippled loser?

At a glance:

Dante Lam continues to make ambitious but underwhelmin movies while cuttin corners and keepin the Chinese action-junkies placated for the Dragon New Year. Hazmat hocus-pocus, RNA mumbo-jumbo, Nicholas Tse jumpin off KTM buildin, Jay Chou dodgin RPGs in Jordan, joke policemen runnin around KL Sentral speakin textbook full Malay with Chinese accents, CGI explosions whenever possible, emo downtime whenever possible, everyone speakin to each other in five different languages. Yeah, that sorta thing. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

All of the above. And oh, Jay Chou's two-tone face of stone.

Gay Chou in army gear.

Perennial wonderment:

How many movies have you seen Liu Kai Chi play a crippled loser? And oh, how many of you know about Carl Ng, the Eurasian model-actor who has appeared in so many different kinds of Hollywood, European and Hong Kong films throughout his colourful career?

Reminds me of:

Jackie Chan and Michelle Yeoh doin that helicopter and bike scene in KL for Police Story 3: Supercop (1992).

I can't remember if I cried:

When I giggled too hard as me mate Bob asked me in the cinema, how does a curly long blonde Nicholas Tse sneak in and out of so many police stations in KL unnoticed, wearin a fluorescent Hawaiian shirt?

Most memorable line:

Chopper 1, please follow Chopper 2 and Chopper 3 because we have lost contact with Chopper 4. Or somethin like that. Hilarious. The height of Malaysian police tactical radio communication.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two stars, one for each hour of toilin. US$ 17mil of Albert Yeung money flushed down the annals of meaningful cinema. Jackie Chan, please come back. Dante Lam, please revisit Beast Stalker (2008) and Stool Pigeon (2010).

Trailer for the curious:

Daughter Of Darkness (1993) @ 滅門慘案之孽殺

At a glance: 
Memorable CAT III fare by Ivan Lai Kai Ming with that girl Lily Chung Suk Wai (Red To Kill 1994, Sexy And Dangerous 1996) where the vulnerable protagonist is an stepdaughter who gets blamed for everythin under the sun, eventually crackin under the slow-cook abuse and goin berserk Terminator-style on the whole family, especially the father, played by a positively pervy William Ho Ka Kui.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Anthony Wong's maverick China cop antiques render it too playful and the comic detracts from the flavour of the film to the point of nausea.
Perennial wonderment:
What are all these former soft porn actresses doin in Hong Kong now? 
I can't remember if I cried:
When Anthony Wong fondles a female corpse and correctly ascertains the time of death based purely on the sogginess of her breasts, passin it off as brilliant police work as a colleague gapes in admiration. 
Reminds me of: 
Red To Kill (1994) and all the other films in which Lily Chung (pic) gets raped.
Watch out for:
Violent end sequence that teaches you how to stab someone to death with a deity figurine.
Most memorable line:
Who needs lines with a DVD cover like that? 
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two and a half.

Stool Pigeon (2010) @ 线人

Liu Kai Chi, the ex-stool pigeon with a lousy retirement package.

At a glance:

It’s Beast Stalker Part II as one-genre man Dante Lam Chiu Yin’s latest Hua Yi Brothers-backed US$4 million crime drama goes down as his best so far, lookin like it’s been explicitly made with Golden Horse intentions, especially with the role reversal between Nick Cheung and Nicholas Tse, who now play a cop and an informant respectively. Since his unfocused Sniper (2009) was somewhat a one-dimensional letdown, it was great that Fire Of Conscience (2010) burned brighter and now we can attest to Stool Pigeon 线人 being a superior product that benefits from the exceptional pairin and also a particularly restrained but intense screenplay by Jack Ng Wai Lun, save for some jarrin extended downtime. The titular informant here is habitual offender Ghost Jr (Tse), son of a renowned underground racer and is now doin time but Inspector Don (Cheung) picks him out to be the best positioned informant to infiltrate a gang who specialises in jewellery heists. Since his sister has been pimped out due to his father’s debts, the money proves too good for him to refuse and Ghost Jr gets dragged through an epic struggle of blood, sweat and tears. We have good character development throughout, startin with Liu Kai Chi’s ex-stoolie character and even Kwai Lun Mei who apparently holds a gun for the first time in a movie, playin a feisty gangster’s moll. Mainlander Lu Yi gets a comfortable part as heist mastermind Barbarian while Miao Pu gets to play Nick Cheung’s wife again (Beast Stalker) in a twisted sideplot.

First time shooter: Kwai Lun Mei.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The mole scenario is a HK cinema overkill but Stool Pigeon offers two fresh aspects that are uncommon. One is the often darkly humourous dialogues about informant procedure and even pricing structure. We’re shown how to “treat your stoolie like your girlfriend” and also how cash rewards commensurate with task objectives in a most organised way. Next, we have a more textured presentation, as Lam chose despairing Kowloon streets for most scenes and there are plenty of location-specific references that enrich the movie.

Your informant is like your girfriend.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The picture comes off stylish, thematically-grippin and substantial, balancin drama and action will aplomb, unlike the many uneasy blow-em-‘up HK titles we have had to settle for every now and then.The director has edited a scalpin scene with Cheung, so you can expect the movie to be averagely violent, with plenty of realistically dirty blood-soaked scuffles (check out Tse getting beaten to a pulp on the kerb) instead of clean chops and martial arts. Watch it as this year’s best Hong Kong crime drama so far.★★★★

City Under Siege (2010) @ 全城戒备

Superslut and superhero.

At a glance:

American X-Men are crossed with Chinese Future X-Cops in uneasy yet fairly entertainin Hong Kong actioner that certainly contains more drama than what poster or title might suggest. In a modification of the usual themes we find in movies about post-war Nazi experiments, this Benny Chan picture uses the prologue of fictional Japanese experiments in Malaysia durin WWII occupation and spins a mutant story with heroes and villains, mostly in fat suits, clown suits or any other futuristic-lookin PVC apparel, as long as they look more advanced than Streetfighter characters. In City Under Siege (2010), we follow a bumblin simpleton named Sunny (Aaron Kwok) who goes from circus clown to national hero in a bizarre turn of events that we’ll omit as spoilers. Colin Chou (Forbidden Kingdom) plays the arch nemesis, while Shu Qi (Gorgeous) gets a decent role as a beautiful TV news anchor. Meanwhile there are also Mr and Mrs Smith super agent roles for Zhang Jing Chu (Aftershock) and Wu Jing (SPL).

"Wow, I can see his ego from here."

Bad news on the doorstep:

The balance between CGI and traditional FX isn’t very comfortable, especially comin from such an established filmmaker who gave us the Police Story movies with Jackie Chan. As mentioned earlier, it’s rather unusual that the movie does have a useful healthy dose of emotional downtime and humorous interjections (Aaron Kwok’s obsession with bein “slim”) - this helps lift the mood for the otherwise very overdone plot. More importantly, it’s possible that many of the understated action scenes in this movie are actually quite explosive but can’t find a comfortable place to engage the audience who are bein visually bamboozled with various CGI oddities.

Aaron Kwok shouldn't have had that last murtabak.

Perennial wonderment:

We must however single out Aaron Kwok as being a much improved, very competent and professional actor despite the flak he gets all these years. In related observations, Shu Qi’s Cantonese has improved fivefold since the Sex And Zen years while Mainlanders Zhang Jing Chu and Wu Jing need better projects if they’re gonna break out of the B-movie mould.
I can't remember if I cried:
This movie had Malaysian indie distributor NEF havin a go at organisin a big event with the HK stars in town. It was a circus.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Feels more Ultraman than Rumble In The Bronx but you're likely not to feel shortchanged if you’re looking for an action movie with Chinese stars. ★★1/2

72 Tenants Of Prosperity (2010) @ 72 家租客

At a glance:
Referencing the Shaw Bros 1973 classic The House Of 72 Tenants, the decidedly crowded 72 Tenants Of Prosperity is a colourful (though not necessarily nutritious) addition to the Chinese New Year movie calendar which will invariably draw laughs among all followers of Hong Kong TV and cinema, especially those with a history of TVB fandom. There's like 180 known actors in it! In this 2010 reupdate, the paedophile politicians and brothel owners are missin and they've been replaced by fish ball noodle hawkers and manga sellers. We get intermittent flashbacks to 70s HK where the events of Sai Yeung Choi Street originally took place: 72 tenants who battled greedy landlords, with a love triangle that gave rise to a family feud. In the present day, the feud continues with the same triangle still festering but now it's a full-on Romeo and Juliet adventure as the next generation start to commit inter-family relationships of their own.
I can't remember if I cried:

When I read this cast list: Jacky Cheung, Eric Tsang, Anita Yuen, Lam Ka Tung, Charmaine Sheh, Fala Chen, Michael Tse, Bosco Wong, Linda Chung, Stephy Tang, Wong Cho Lam, Joyce Cheng, Lawrence Ng, Ron Ng, Kevin Cheng, Kenneth Ma, Kate Tsui. Kelly Chen, Sunny Chan, Joe Ma, Ben Wong, Natalie Tong, Leung Ka Ki, Timmy Hung, Joel Chan, Carina Lau, Alan Tam, Natalis Chan, Chin Siu Ho, Wayne Lai, Nancy Sit, Tony Leung Ka Fai, Sammy Leung, Dicky Cheung, Andy Hui, Tin Kai Man, Sam Lee, Ella Koon, Bernice Liu, Kayi Cheung, William So, Wu Fung, Louis Yuen, Raymond Lam, Justin Lo and Myolie Wu.
Watch out for:
Unlike similar projects with jarrin cameos, this one goes at it casual with a most light-hearted and non-committal approach. Story is funny in a giggly way and a truly inspired highlight is when Jacky Cheung and Wong Cho Lam do a play of Jackie's hit number.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Decent family fun. The film must also be credited with one of the most original and inoffensive way to execute the obligatory product placements. They un-apologetically sang our all the sponsor names to the tune of a traditional New Year tune while holding out title cards and liftin household appliances! Do tell the kids not to copy all the swearin. ★★★

Deadly Delicious (2008) @ 女人有毒 @ 双食记

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

At a glance:
Directorial debut of screenwriter Zhao Tian Yu, about two women, a man and how food can be an instrument of evil. Themes of infidelity and revenge. Reminds me of films like Thinner (1996), Perfume (2006) and Chocolat (2000). Decent premise, adequate suspense.
Bad news on the doorstep:
The ladies - Yu Nan (left) from Tuya's Marriage (2006) and Jiang Yi Yan, (right, Zhang Zi Yi lookalike) aren't too pretty and they sometimes look like each other. Other complaints I read concern the distant characters and inconsequential dialogue. Francis Ng did his best, I guess. But the movie really needed somethin sicker or at least some token sex scenes.
Watch out for:
Terrapin beheadin on wooden choppin board with Chinese cleaver. Always nice to see. People need to be more unflinchin. Reminds me of the poor turtle in Cannibal Holocaust (1980).
Most memorable line:
Ah I'll get back to you on this. Francis Ng orders a long list of funky gourmet shyte to impress his air-stewardess girlfriend.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Doesn't really hit the pyschological thriller high notes I'd like, though it's rather dark and sombre. At times, unanappetisingly cold, like some of the various dishes featured in the film. Better than what I'd expect from a commercial Mainland movie though.★★1/2

The Treasure Hunter (2009) @ 刺陵

At a glance:
Kevin Chu's Treasure Hunter is basically how The Mummy gets an Asian treatment as Taiwanese tomb raiders go to Mainland China and frolic about in the deep desert to cook up some Indiana Jones adventure. To drive the picture, the Kung Fu Dunk director re-teams with regional pop prince Jay Chou and ropes in supermodel-turned-actress Lin Chi Ling, who finds time among boutique launches to star in another big picture after debutin in John Woo's Red Cliff.
Bad news on the doorstep:
I fell asleep watchin this. At least two abang photographer were snorin loudly at the Malaysian press preview. Can't decide if Storm Warriors is worse.
Perennial wonderment:
Poor Jay Chou. Fans mother him and keep him protected; his crossover pet project as a big screen actor has not been easy, considerin most older audiences won't give him the time of day. Since his relatively successful turn in Secret, the talented musician can't get any respect for starrin in Kung Fu Dunk and nobody likes the fact that he's Kato in the upcomin Green Hornet either instead of Stephen Chow. Media spotlight is heavy on a such a marketable star and many say the man (with a facial expressions range that is notoriously limited) ought to stick to what he knows best. Perhaps it's then a case of low expectations because Mr. Chou does manage to do better this time around. He has at least added one more broodin angle to his repertoire of looks as a devil-may-care, bike-ridin cowboy drifter who's also the guardian of an ancient city. Sadly, this movie is simply too derivative to be interestin.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Perhaps in territories like China where the influx of Hollywood movies are capped and governed by law, everyone will think that Jay Chou crackin a whip is the birth of a new hero icon. The rest are probably just happy that he didn't spot a fedora. One and a half stars.

The Storm Warriors (2009) @ 风云II

At a glance:
Storm Warriors has a lot of fans. We have the type who read the 1989 source material and saw the first movie. Then we have the electronic type that are brought in by the producers in large numbers to blow at Aaron Kwok and Ekin Cheng's hair. More graphic novel movie than martial arts epic, this sequel to 1998's HK cinema milestone Storm Riders is the greatest incarnation of Ma Wing Shing's celebrated Fung Wan comic and nothin short of box office blitz is expected when entrusted in the able hands of directors Danny and Oxide Pang. However, when the brothers themselves tell you that no decent movie critic can avoid comparin this wuxia reupdate to that Spartan SFX feast 300 because it uses the same software (!) that's when you know you have a novelty movie in your hands. Indeed it's special effects before story as we're swirled and twirled into the windy world of Nip Fung (Ekin Cheng) and Bou Keng Wan (Aaron Kwok) as the two heroes (and their emo hair) return to the silver screen after so long to battle evil once more. The story starts off coherently with some reference to the first movie and we are soon made to understand that this will be a two-hour battle with Wind, Cloud and Nameless (Kenny Ho, pic) against evil Lord Godless (Simon Yam) and his equally evil son Heart (Nicholas Tse). Layabout Piggy King (Lam Suet) joins the story later on, together with Lord Wicked (Kenny Wong Tak Bun), Second Dream (Charlene Choi) and Chu Chu (Tang Yan).
Bad news on the doorstep:
However, this synopsis is too simple - or frankly, unnecessary. In a CGI-heavy project such as this, too much have gone into dazzle and the story predictably suffers. Borin, really. Aside from Aaron Kwok who sustained some over-reported injuries, the supportin cast have little to do. That's why you won't mind soft porn actor Kenny Wong as an armless sifu or cute newcomer Tang Yan, who replaces Shu Qi as Cloud's romantic interest Chu Chu to no useful effect.
Perennial wonderment:
Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok never age.
Watch out for:
Incredibly bad actin by Ekin Cheng near the end. Very poor.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I slept through this movie TWICE. Let the next one be better, since we know Ekin and Aaron will still look young enough to do it. ★★

Mulan (2009) @ 花木兰

At a glance:
Disney days like these, it's hard to get a good adaptation that satisfies the senses and still educates the young. Good thing then that the oft-told legend of ancient woman warrior Fa Mu Lan is in many ways, a wonderful fairy tale. The subject matter (a girl who goes to war disguised as a man to keep her enlisted father safe at home) has produced some wonderful films; Shaw Brother's 1964 huangmei classic Lady General Hua Mulan and also the American animation treatment ten years ago, Mulan come to mind. For this Jingle Ma Hong Kong addition, we're very lucky to have the talented Vicki Zhao a.k.a. Zhao Wei (the Red Cliff movies) leadin the lineup in more ways than one. It was always goin to be a battle to tell a story as tough as Mu Lan's.

Russian singer Vitas has a token gweilo role.
He also provided the song Beneath the Glory for the score.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Took the easy way out by focusin on romantic aspects. Whole project seems like a rush job (note remarkably uneventful openin sequence) with uneven focus and excessive emo downtime (intrusive violin score). Mulan is epic only in costume and settin, but little else, especially if you're lookin for a memorable sword-and-sandal adventure. While Vicki (pic, R) may win over enough feminist sympathisers with this performance, the movie does her no justice by skippin past the powerful turns in the movie, investin in teary scenes when the audience have yet to be convincingly let in on the magnitude of her sacrifice, or war, or love for that matter. Her pairin with Chen Kun (pic, L, I think he was in Painted Skin) is flat because the romance between Mu Lan and fellow soldier Wen Tai is brief and underdeveloped. As for the rest of the cast, Jaycee Chan (Invisible Target) gets to play a blunderin footman in yet another likeable loser role, while Hu Jun (Everlasting Regret) is the one who ends up havin a meatier turn as the villainous general. The prominently announced part of CJ7 tomboy Xu Jiao as the young Mu Lan is only a brief, token show while the bizarre appearance of a Caucasian character (A Russian singer called Vitas) is also questionable.
Perennial wonderment:
If next year's Chow Yun Fatt biopic Confucius can return the great epics to Hong Kong cinema credentials. This one sure didn't do nothin for me.
Watch out for:
Vicki Zhao. The 33-year-old China-born actress knows how to put on a show. Blessed with big, bright eyes and a soft demeanour but ever-willin to do some bruisin ass-kickin in recent films, her rise to stardom is probably just as spectacular as her titular character if you go cross-century. However, her screen appeal is the singular drivin force behind this effort.

"You're not my father!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This 2009 Mulan reupdate isn't an essential watch, though it does have a few Joan Of Arc moments. Best remembered as a good vehicle for Vicki Zhao's risin star. Watch out for her in the upcomin 14 Blades opposite Donnie Yen. Two stars from me for now.
Bonus material:
Here's a goldmine of 50 behind-the-scenes stills that I've got for you. Enjoy.

Chen Kun & Vicki Zhao on the set