Into The Woods (2012)

Ava Brunini as Stacy: "Can someone please get me out of this movie?"

At a glance:

Hadrian Hooks: "Just do it. Don't let anyone stop you."

We judge the player based on the play and this movie review blog is all about lookin out for respectable indie efforts that might otherwise just pass under the radar. That bein said, in this age of technology, too many movies have been made just because they could. I'm still reelin from havin sat through Money Shot (2013) the other day and now find myself endurin debut writer-director Hadrian Hooks' Into The Woods (2012), a labour of love that must mean a lot to him, as you can deduce from a rather frank interview with the man, who sounds like a nice enough fella. Completed quite some time ago and havin recently found DVD/VOD release, it's a horror-by-numbers shoestring project, about a group of friends who take up a bet to spend a night in the murderous woods of Hollywood Hills.

Bad news on the doorstep:

How we might be persuaded to watch the DVD.

While its low production values are apparent, especially considerin the limited funds at disposal for productions such as these, Into The Woods is not a place worth goin, largely due to a completely unremarkable story with little or no payoff at all. After one has forgiven all the poor angles, bad lightin and banal dialogue, it's still difficult to even remotely care for these cardboard characters who never say or do anythin interestin. Shoot me dead, they ain't even memorable enough to be dislikeable! Characters make up the all-important cinegredient that usually elevates any zero-budget horror flick to a level of respectable fun, whatever its compendium of shortcomings. Sadly, the pedestrian actors prove fatal to the enjoyment of the movie, so I hope Hooks starts from a better place should he decide to have another go at it in the future.

Perennial wonderment:

So painfully amateur.

When will the necessarily unintelligent people in horror movies stop queuin up to be slaughtered like helpless lambs?

I can't remember if I cried:

Yep. Precisely how I feel about the movie.

When I realised the movie's villain is hardly ever seen (not just due to the bad lightin), heard or explained.

Most memorable line:

The only moment in the movie with some semblance of originality is when Laila Odom's character says that black people don't go into the woods and that it's a white people thing.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It hardly meets the minimum advertisin expectations I set for it after seein the poster. One of the few positives from the movie is that it's really short. Sorry mate, nothin here. So jog on.★1/2

Cornered! (2009)

Doughnut Donny wants to screw Jess but all he could do is pretend not to be
starin at her cleavage, just like the rest of the audience. Wotta dead script.

At a glance:

CGI rcockoaches.
They're in the movie, too.

James Duval tried.

"Not the panties, Clyde!"

Essentially, Cornered! is an indie horror feature expanded from a one-sentence premise with a token twist, just in case you forget you're watchin a micro-budgeted C-movie. During their nightly poker game, a group of lowlifes are terrorised in their own convenience store by a masked killer. We have deliveryman Morty (Steve Guttenberg, Cocoon, 1985), sweaty Latino proprietor Steve (Eduardo Garcia), his useless addict nephew (James Duval from the Gregg Araki movies), zaftig sex chat part-timer Mona (Ellia English, Aunt Helen from The Jamie Foxx Show), fat nobody Doughnut Donny (Peter Story) and the kindly prostitute Jess (Elizabeth Nicole) that he so desperately wants to boink but cannot, on account of his colossal fuckup loser of a personality.

Elizabeth Nicole gives her cleavage to the cause.

Bad news on the doorstep:

None of these characters have anythin goin for them. Who wants to watch a bunch of losers for 87 minutes? Shouldn't there be at least one interestin, sympathetic protagonist to root for? Shouldn't there be at least some cheap nudity since it's rated R? James Duval and Ellia English have a good go at it but this amateurish script is the sort that just fell out of some film student's bag pack. Sadly, a C-grade survival horror that nobody will miss.

Reminds me of:

Night At The Golden Eagle (2001).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Torturous runaround but you can at least be consoled by the fact that it was at least coherent. Can't believe it cost more than US $3 million to make. Well, you can go over the remains of this project at the official Cornered! movie website that still runs today.★1/2

Bonus material:

Poor fellas.

Hydra (2009)

"Should I look to the left of the green screen or to the right, Mr Director?"

At a glance:
Hot damn. Cinetel Films' Hydra is a humourless, C-grade creature feature with millionaires, ex-Marines, dumb blondes, uncharted islands and even a little Greek mythology. Some psycho businessman rounds up a couple of billionaires who have all lost a loved one; and puts them on an island to hunt cons as game. Of course, they had no idea that the island would just happen to be the archaeological site where Mr. Hercules left behind his sword and a live hydra for company.

Dawn Olivieri stars in Hydra.

Bad news on the doorstep:
You might not get past the first five minutes, where the CGI hydra already appears, to comical disbelief. Sometimes they aren't even placed too well and you can see the actors lookin elsewhere when the hydra is strikin. Haha. Try watchin it on fast forward like I did.
Perennial wonderment:
If I can stop watchin bad movies for fun. As I watched this movie, my mind wandered so far away and I was fantasisin about whether havin a hydra cock can be a good thing i.e. if I behead my cock and two grow in its place?

"Hey, you might make more off this hand than your entire salary for the movie!"

Reminds me of:
The last time I watched a C-grade creature feature. Pteradactyl (2005).
Watch out for:
The hydra. It evaporates when cauterised.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Polly Shannon, Jana Williams, Dawn Olivieri, Dwayne Adway, Diego Villarreal Garcia, Ed Blinn, Michael Miranda and Philip Moon. Do you know who these actors are? Beats me. Okay for a laugh, I guess.★