The Colony (2013)

Kevin Zegers and Charlotte Sullivan made no difference in The Colony (2013).

Production still from The Colony (2013).
And don't you dare bitch about spoilers.

At a glance:

I had the pleasure of attendin a secretive test audience screenin for an unfinished cut of The Colony last year. So I was particularly excited to go to the world premiere at Scotiabank Theatre in Toronto, a week or so before it goes on wide release. It's a modest and respectable, if essentially unremarkable Canadian effort by screenwriter Patrick Tarr and director Jeff Renfroe, about a snow-set post-apocalyptic world that's bang opposite from Hollywood's usual projections of global warmin in the future, i.e. Waterworld (1995). Trust the Canadians to have come up with this twist, eh? Shot at the decommissioned NORAD base (North American Aerospace Defense Command) in North Bay, Ontario, the synopsis reads: Beneath the icy surface, survivors of Colony Seven struggle as food supplies dwindle and temperatures continue to drop. Plagued by illness and internal conflict, the colonists suspect the worst when they mysteriously lose contact with Colony Five – the only other known settlement. Sam (Kevin Zegers), a strong-willed mechanic with a tragic past, joins a team headed up by Briggs (Laurence Fishburne) on a dangerous expedition to find out what happened. After a hellish trek, they discover a threat much worse than imagined, and now Colony Seven must win a savage battle to preserve the last of humanity.

Bill Paxton outperforms everyone else in The Colony ...
but only because he actually has a credible character arc.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, it sure didn't get much better the second time around. We start off low-key, buildin promisin, creepy isolation, like in The Thing (1982) but suffer a narrative meltdown to end on a generic slasher note that mostly failed to resist the easy overkill. A major letdown comes by way of underwritten primary punch-clock characters who constantly appear less desperate than they ought to be. While it is in no way a poor movie, the final product cannot pretend to have transcended the sort of weekday afternoon sci-fi mediocrity that always leave us emotionally shortchanged. I believe it's perhaps three or four more rewrites from cult DVD material. Nevertheless, eOne has packaged it well and I do hope it gets a good run at the cinemas.

"What if I told you... that you've seen this movie before?"

Perennial wonderment:

How tall is Laurence Fishburne? There's something about his neck as though he's kind of 'squashed' in appearance. Still, you'd think he's huge if you ever watched The Matrix movies, schoolin Keanu with that trench coat. Accounts vary but today I was standin next to him and can report he cannot be much more than 6'.

Reminds me of:

The Road (2009) and that addictive FPS I used to love, Left4Dead2.

Watch out for:

Bill Paxton (remember Frailty?) as the resident troublemaker. Each time I see this guy's face, I think of an axe. You can read all about his role in this Twitchfilm interview - he apparently refused to say a line because it sounded too much like one from the Alien movies. Maybe that's why his was the only character that has a semblance of originality.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I prefer a more cerebral brand of sci-fi but have a look at The Divide (2011) if you want somethin cut from the same cloth. Check out the Facebook fan page to learn more.★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some photos from the world premiere in Toronto I attended, thanks to Toronto After Dark for havin me.

Fishburne tried his darnedest not to look at this TV reporter's boobs.
His wife, actress Gina Torres, was visibly irked. Haha.

Scavengers (2013) @ Space Soldiers

"So... is something gonna happen in this movie sometime soon or what?"

At a glance:

"Shit, boss. This space suit makes my perineum itch."

Whenever a DVD has an extraneous promo sticker on the box, you know you're in trouble. This one says "Sci-Fi-Horror in style of Event Horizon". If you read that and still bought it, then you have nobody to blame except your silly self. For Travis Zariwny's Scavengers a.k.a. Space Soldiers, I aligned my expectations to accommodate a low budget sci-fi yarn, thinkin it oughtta be somewhat fun but cheap and instantly forgettable like last year's Lockout (2012) starrin Guy Pearce, maybe with more chicks in sweaty space apparel to compensate and much lousier editin. The synopsis reads: A team of space scavengers discovers superior alien technology that threatens the balance of the known universe. Hotly pursued by a rival crew of intergalactic mercenaries, the Revelator crew must fight through the deepest reaches of space to locate and protect the life-altering device.

"If you'd just open the shower door,
we could kiss for real, you know."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Half an hour into the movie, I could no longer continue. It had the most banal tech talk, which droned on and on. The characters and the performances are desperate. There is nothin worth investin in.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Ain't it absolutely shockin that filmmakers can actually forget that a movie is supposed to be entertainin? Awful movie.★

Cloud Atlas (2012)

Cloud Atlas: Overambitious, three-hour ego trip? Or epic sci-fi splendour?

At a glance:

Tom Hanks a little behind Robert Downey Jr. on this one.

Many thought this movie was not possible, you can read. Eventually made for over US$100 mil on a peculiar split shootin arrangement between Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run) and the Wachowski siblings (now that one of them has turned into a woman), Cloud Atlas (2012), with its stunnin, otherworldly trailer, is just about the most excitin, non-superhero movie that you'd have saved up to catch on IMAX this year. It runs for 172 minutes and chronicles six related stories, featurin an embarrassment of stars such as Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent, Hugo Weaving, Doona Bae, Jim Sturgess, James D'Arcy, Keith David, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw and Zhou Xun. The story is adapted from David Mitchell's 2004 book of the same name - a book that Natalie Portman apparently introduced to the twin directors on the set of V For Vendetta.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Jim Broadbent oughtta have known better than to be in this.

It's one of the most expensive, unnecessary and over-directed movies I've ever seen in my life. Talk about seethin sci-fi shyte - that's three hours of my life I'll never get back. Ebert has been slowly losin it these past few years and none more so than his unadulterated praise of this. You're either gonna be one of those people who gave this supposedly visionary movie an extended standin applause at the Toronto International Film Festival or you're sat here with me cursin your sore bum. The last time the Wachowskis took us on a ride through realms was in The Matrix (1999) and it worked despite the incredulity and disorientation because the audience is afforded the space and respect to establish links through strong characters and their compellin dialogue. Cloud Atlas is a confetti of visuals, thrown about to celebrate what flatters and deceives. I can barely hear what Tom Hanks mumbles half the time! A movie this grand, you'd think that when the pieces fall together in the end, you'd get a big emotional payoff that rewards you for keepin up. The reality is that this is a narrative many producers will avoid for years to come.

Jim Sturgess does a yellowface.
Strangely he spoke Cantonese as a Korean.

Perennial wonderment:
If there's one thing I can defend the movie on, it's against all the well-publicised MANAA bullcrap about not hirin Asians to play the Asian roles in the movie. It's actually vital to the context and integrity of the story that the same actors appear in multiple races and even different genders. Why don't these activist jokers go for bigger fish and leave this already doomed movie alone, eh?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

While we at least can be consoled that the picture doesn't pivot entirely on a gimmicky M. Night Shyamalan twist (that you'd have to decide whether or not to buy), the central themes are lost in the sheer spectacle of it all, and drowned in a routine music score. This R-rated story could've been told in 30 other shorter, more accessible and less ambitious ways but it simply had to go for this serendipitous portrait of self-grandeur. To the rest of you who enjoyed this conceit, I envy your patience.★★

Troll Hunter (2010) @ Trolljegeren

At a glance:

Not quite your run-of-the-studio adaptation of Three Billy Goats Gruff, Troll Hunter (native: Trolljegeren) is filmmaker André Øvredal’s idea of punctuatin Norwegian folklore with Blair Witch Project box office sensibilities to deliver a winsome monster movie that doubles as a “found footage” moc-doc masterpiece deservin of all the distribution attention it gets.We follow three Volga college teens who are shooting an assignment - host Thomas (Glenn Erland Tosterud), female sound recordist Johanna (Johanna Morck) and scaredy-cat cameraman Kalle (Tomas Alf Larsen, mostly offscreen but given a memorable character arc) as they happen to land themselves the chance of a lifetime - filmin a supposed bear poacher (Otto Jespersen) who turns out to be a modern day Van Helsing-type reluctant hero who spends his days annihilatin trolls that are being kept secret by the government.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's not very classically dramatic and you don't get silly romantic subplots or heroic climaxes, if that's your idea of a good monster movie.

Perennial wonderment:

Why can't they come up with somethin new in the monster movies genre like how this film has done? The great thing about Troll Hunter is what a delightfully technical horror movie it is. Adequately underpinned by a biological context on how these trolls can exist and subsist, its persuasive style is further helped by some useful dry Scandinavian horror (“Hey what about Muslims? Can they sniff out Muslim blood just like Christian blood? I don’t know, let’s find out") and keeps us glued in-universe throughout. The suspenseful narrative here never takes a backseat and the CGI decisions cleverly avoids overdoin things to the point of losin the audience. The monsters (they come in different subspecies even) are woolly creations that start getting iffy in scenes where they appear in their entirety – but fortunately the backstory and also the traditional FX work (boiled fur soup resin, used for applyin troll scent) is diligent and solid.

Reminds me of:

Cloverfield (2008), Blair Witch Project (1999), The Mist (2007) and [REC] (2007).

Most memorable line:

"Do you think Michael Moore gave up after the first try?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The day this film opened in the U.S. a horror movie website announced that American director Chris Columbus and his company 1492, along with CJ Entertainment & Media, had acquired remake rights. Watch this now in its native Norwegian (or English-dubbed, in some territories) before Hollywood messes it up.

Attack The Block (2011)

Jodie Whittaker in a fun role.

At a glance:

While the rest of the wakin world have turned up in droves to put even more money into Spielberg and Bay pockets, might we suggest a different but equally enjoyable intergalactic battle at the cinemas this season – Attack The Block! Doin precisely what it says on the tin, Attack The Block: Gangsters vs. Aliens is Gremlins-meet-Goonies as we follow a gang of rowdy South London teens whose ordinary rowdy lives are changed overnight with an outrageous alien attack on their council flats, followin what they thought was a meteor shower on Guy Fawkes Day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Run!!!

Well, maybe not bad news for you - but I caught this on a midnight show on account of the fledglin distributor Platinum Pictures, who ain't quite figured out how to do press previews yet. Well, I'm happy enough they took a risk with this movie. I don't remember if they made a profit off this late release.

Perennial wonderment:

Aside from the committed, largely teenage cast, the real stars of the show - impossibly black, wolf-like critters (it's“even blacker than my cousin Femi” says one of the characters) – manage to hit that editin ambiguity where the creatures appear believably menacin without expensive SFX work. How often does that happen, eh?

Reminds me of:

Kabluey (2007), Skyline (2010), The Goonies (1985) and Gremlins (1984).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Just another day in the hood.

What really elevates this from a pet project to an impressive, well-thought debut feature from frequent Edgar Wright collaborator Joe Cornish (the duo are behind the screenplay for Spielberg’s upcoming Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn) is the prevalent humour in the movie and how the audience can find it easy to relate to the simple and identifiable characters, save maybe their difficult London accents that may alienate the untrained ear of audiences in this region (or even maybe American viewers, as evident in some reports recently about worried U.S. distributors). Nevertheless, Attack The Block: Gangsters vs. Aliens is a refreshin and welcome addition to the saturated monster movies we have come to expect from the market out there.

City Under Siege (2010) @ 全城戒备

Superslut and superhero.

At a glance:

American X-Men are crossed with Chinese Future X-Cops in uneasy yet fairly entertainin Hong Kong actioner that certainly contains more drama than what poster or title might suggest. In a modification of the usual themes we find in movies about post-war Nazi experiments, this Benny Chan picture uses the prologue of fictional Japanese experiments in Malaysia durin WWII occupation and spins a mutant story with heroes and villains, mostly in fat suits, clown suits or any other futuristic-lookin PVC apparel, as long as they look more advanced than Streetfighter characters. In City Under Siege (2010), we follow a bumblin simpleton named Sunny (Aaron Kwok) who goes from circus clown to national hero in a bizarre turn of events that we’ll omit as spoilers. Colin Chou (Forbidden Kingdom) plays the arch nemesis, while Shu Qi (Gorgeous) gets a decent role as a beautiful TV news anchor. Meanwhile there are also Mr and Mrs Smith super agent roles for Zhang Jing Chu (Aftershock) and Wu Jing (SPL).

"Wow, I can see his ego from here."

Bad news on the doorstep:

The balance between CGI and traditional FX isn’t very comfortable, especially comin from such an established filmmaker who gave us the Police Story movies with Jackie Chan. As mentioned earlier, it’s rather unusual that the movie does have a useful healthy dose of emotional downtime and humorous interjections (Aaron Kwok’s obsession with bein “slim”) - this helps lift the mood for the otherwise very overdone plot. More importantly, it’s possible that many of the understated action scenes in this movie are actually quite explosive but can’t find a comfortable place to engage the audience who are bein visually bamboozled with various CGI oddities.

Aaron Kwok shouldn't have had that last murtabak.

Perennial wonderment:

We must however single out Aaron Kwok as being a much improved, very competent and professional actor despite the flak he gets all these years. In related observations, Shu Qi’s Cantonese has improved fivefold since the Sex And Zen years while Mainlanders Zhang Jing Chu and Wu Jing need better projects if they’re gonna break out of the B-movie mould.
I can't remember if I cried:
This movie had Malaysian indie distributor NEF havin a go at organisin a big event with the HK stars in town. It was a circus.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Feels more Ultraman than Rumble In The Bronx but you're likely not to feel shortchanged if you’re looking for an action movie with Chinese stars. ★★1/2

Hydra (2009)

"Should I look to the left of the green screen or to the right, Mr Director?"

At a glance:
Hot damn. Cinetel Films' Hydra is a humourless, C-grade creature feature with millionaires, ex-Marines, dumb blondes, uncharted islands and even a little Greek mythology. Some psycho businessman rounds up a couple of billionaires who have all lost a loved one; and puts them on an island to hunt cons as game. Of course, they had no idea that the island would just happen to be the archaeological site where Mr. Hercules left behind his sword and a live hydra for company.

Dawn Olivieri stars in Hydra.

Bad news on the doorstep:
You might not get past the first five minutes, where the CGI hydra already appears, to comical disbelief. Sometimes they aren't even placed too well and you can see the actors lookin elsewhere when the hydra is strikin. Haha. Try watchin it on fast forward like I did.
Perennial wonderment:
If I can stop watchin bad movies for fun. As I watched this movie, my mind wandered so far away and I was fantasisin about whether havin a hydra cock can be a good thing i.e. if I behead my cock and two grow in its place?

"Hey, you might make more off this hand than your entire salary for the movie!"

Reminds me of:
The last time I watched a C-grade creature feature. Pteradactyl (2005).
Watch out for:
The hydra. It evaporates when cauterised.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Polly Shannon, Jana Williams, Dawn Olivieri, Dwayne Adway, Diego Villarreal Garcia, Ed Blinn, Michael Miranda and Philip Moon. Do you know who these actors are? Beats me. Okay for a laugh, I guess.★