Be My Slave (2012) @ 私の奴隷になりなさい

Mayama Akihiro flicks Mitsu Dan's bean in Be My Slave (2012).

Took this from the Facebook fan page.

At a glance:

Tôru Kamei's Be My Slave (私の奴隷になりなさい transliterated as Watashi no Dorei ni Narinasai) is an adult drama based on a Shu Satami novel, featurin model Mitsu Dan 壇蜜 (born Shizuka Saito) in the titular role. She plays an employee at a publishin company with some serious sexual needs, lurin a younger colleague (Mayama Akihiro) into her voyeuristic perversions before we're introduced to a game master fetishist (Itao Itsuji) who seems to hold all the cards. This movie reportedly "conjures up the spirit of classic Nikkatsu roman-poruno, a lineage solidified by the presence of Dan’s industry predecessor, Aya Sugimoto, who starred in the recent remakes of the old Hana to Hebi movies." If you know what that means, then you stand a better chance than me at appreciatin it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Consider it your disclaimer that I really don't dig conventional Oriental porn, especially those Japanese ones with exaggerated resistance. So I'm not the kinda movie reviewer who'd know the difference between an AV model and a gravure idol. However, I did watch the extended, 111-minute director's cut of this full-frontal movie and I'm not glad to report that it failed to get a rise outta me, if you'd pardon the pun. The story is nothin new, the sex is unbelievably borin and Mitsu Dan ain't my idea of a good time, no matter how many dildos and vibrators she wants stuffed into all her orifices. Preferences aside, her unremarkable performance makes the whole movie pointless and borin to me.

What?

Perennial wonderment:

The sex appeal of docile Japanese women. I'm right at the other end of the spectrum here and usually find myself alone when friends gawk at diminutive, titless Asian girls.

Reminds me of:

That other sex movie that bored my tits off - Natali 3D 나탈리 (2010).

Watch out for:

The toy-assisted DP scene. You can actually spot Itao Itsuji lookin quickly to the cameramen for further instructions after givin Mitsu Dan a crisp slap on her arse. Talk about ruinin the mood!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Mitsu Dan simulates a DP here for your viewing pleasure.

I'd recommend a rewatch of Tokyo Decadence (1992) if you're lookin for a similar fix. Anyway, check out the official website for more information about this unnecessary movie, if you understand Japanese.★★

Bonus material:

Like what you see? Well, there ain't much more where that came from.

Eugénie (1975, or is it 1970?)

At a glance:
There seems to be an awful lot of movies out there titled Eugénie and they all seem to be classic erotica. Even this title had two or three variants and all by that artsy sicko Jess Franco, whose oeuvre of sex movies makes him very important in world cinema (for the uninitiated). Wotta guy! The movie I'm tellin you about here is adapted from a dirty book by Marquis de Sade and it revolves around a pretty (and pretty fragile) girl who begins a sadistic, incestuous affair with her writer stepfather. Together they go on a series of graphic and elaborate thrill kills (one of the victims is future Franco starlet Alice Arno in her first role for him, I read). The conflict comes when Eugénie falls in love with the next intended victim, a musician bloke. Themes are sadomasochism, disenfranchisement and jealousy.
Bad news on the doorstep:
If you're lookin for Tinto Brass nudity, then obviously this isn't it. Franco's works often depress. I feel like I'm lost in a wonderful garden and it's gettin late. Love the colours in this film, though.
Watch out for:
Soledad Miranda (born Soledad Rendón Bueno in Seville to Portuguese parents of Roman ancestry), better known by her stage names Soledad Miranda, Susann Korda and credited here as Susan Korday, pic, brunette), often said to be Franco's greatest discovery. He put her in some cult classics such as Count Dracula and Vampyros Lesbos. In this movie, you can see her exquisite nymph of a body (if you're into that sort of thing) when she's not busy huggin her knees all the time. Fragile beauty, she. A DVD box describes her as The beguiling beauty Soledad Miranda. Phwoar. Died in car accident with her husband at the wheel 1970, aged 27. In three more weeks I'm goin to outlive her. That is if zombies don't kill me in my sleep.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I prefer somethin more immediate. ★★1/2
The day the music died:

Soledad Rendón Bueno a.k.a. Soledad Miranda
(9 July 1943 – 18 August 1970)

Barbed Wire Dolls (1975) @ Frauengefängnis

At a glance:
The less is said about these old exploitation films, the better. However as a Women In Prison (WIP) product, apparently there is a historical importance in movies like these. They're made because floggin and other types of torture were outlawed in commercial porno but people still had to get their S&M fix somehow, innit? In this Jess Franco flick, his real life playthin Lina Romay is a girl who accidentally kills her dad (Franco himself) as she was defendin herself from incestuous rape. In jail, she meets a loony dominatrix wardress (Monica Swinn in hotpants with a monocle) and various other oversexed lesbians or in-house psychos, as she learns about the corrupt, self-subsistin penitentiary.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Maybe this would be wonderful viewin in those days but the shock value here isn't really felt. I can't believe how many reviews they are out there discussin this movie's merits. Borin bollocks. Prefer those Pam Grier movies.
Reminds me of:
Thriller: A Cruel Picture but at least that was interestin.
Watch out for:
Ridiculous slo-mo rape chase scene. Wtf. Instead of shootin it in slo-mo, they actually did everythin slowly.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Schlockmeister supreme Jesus Franco is one man who can make nudity borin. In a movie with scenes of cigarette-aided masturbation and nude electrocution, I can't believe it's so difficult to finish watchin this movie.

Gradiva (2006) @ C'est Gradiva Qui Vous Appelle

"My dear, what the fuck are you doin?"

At a glance:
Gradiva introduces an archaeologist (James Wilby) to us, then sets him off on a chase for mysterious titular girl (doubles up as Leila, played by gorgeous veteran French-American actress Arielle Dombastle) while beddin his slave girl Belkis (Dany Verissimo) at every other go. This pretty much forms the plot for a person watchin it on operational terms. Oh and there's plenty of artsy frontal nudity and S&M violence, which is why it's R21 in Singapore.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Difficult to review Surrealist films, especially when Dali paintings escape even the more curious of the non-commercial cinemagoers today in this region. How then do I make heads and tails of a movie so intentionally disjointed, confusin and artsy such as C'est Gradiva Qui Vous Appelle? Gradiva may be callin all right – but it's very difficult to answer. This octogenarian director apparently makes films that make sense to nobody but himself. Oh wait a minute - it's all over, he died last year.
I can't remember if I cried:

When I realised the story is told with little regard for audience understandin. Which bit is a dream allegory? Which bit is the true timeline? Only director Alain Robbe-Grillet and film students would know, I suppose. To others, Gradiva is a 110-minute long indulgence.
Reminds me of:
The dodgy stadium-style Singaporean cinema I watched it in. Reeked of spunk.
Watch out for:
Dany Verissimo (without which the movie would've been unbearable), the sultry actress you might recognise from District 13 @ Banlieue 13 as pistol-packin Lola. She took off her knickers and stuffed it into some bloke's mouth while pointin the gun at his face, I vaguely recall.

"Why, yes. You're quite right. This movie makes no fuckin sense."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
One? Perhaps a worthy piece for feminist academic study but even for art house fans, a production such as this is best confined to your collection of quirky DVDs or to the local grindhouse, assumin of course it's the R-rated kind. Can't decide which is the least rewardin watch - The Piano Tuner Of Earthquakes (2005), Gradiva or the paint dryin from my bedroom wall. Then again, Dany Verissimo isn't painted on my bedroom wall.

Brüno (2009)

At a glance:
In Brüno, gay Austrian fashionista Mr. Gehard does what he did as far back as 1998 - provokin unsuspectin people with his cinematically outrageous GAP sentiments (that's gay and proud, as a fashion-conscious Yorkshireman once shared with me). He learns dildo-to-dildo combat and irks Christian pastors. He tries to go straight by engagin in a romp with pornstar Michelle McLaren (pic). He talks about human rights issues with Paula Abdul while sittin on Mexican labourers actin as stools. He chases after Harrison Ford and gets told to fuck off, an obviously unstaged footage that accurately portrays how half the world must view this horrifically absurd character.
Bad news on the doorstep:
There is such a thing as too much and Brüno just underlines the irreversible fact that his celebrated characters, at one time so devastatingly funny, have ran their course. They're simply too recognisable now and the gags have become too tedious a chore to sit through a full feature for, never mind the activist protests and public uproar.
Perennial wonderment:
Sacha Baron Cohen's incendiary interview tactics are undoubtedly ingenious, being able to bring out the ingenuous best out of the real-life celebrity and public figures whom he pursues. The use of presumably faux-German words like spooncktum is also clever if not nauseatingly near to the mind. Mockin celeb trends like baby adoption plus political correctness in language are also done well by Brüno, who insists that "African-Americans" is the right term to call anyone from the African continent because anythin other than that refrain is racist, while at the same time bringing a black baby on a talk show and spectacularly exaggeratin his love for a child who is obviously not his. However, somewhere after the first third of the movie, it becomes obvious that Borat and Ali G are both much more likeable characters than this annoyin blonde buffoon whose watchability nosedives sharply into the risque and repetitive. Brüno is simply not sincere enough for us to care about.
Watch out for:
A Cambridge scholar doin a 2-minute oral sex simulation scene with an imaginary dead person. You'll find it a godsend that the man has decided to retire all his characters like Borat, Ali G and now Brüno.
Most memorable line:
Brüno after eatin a lot of pies: "I'm committing carbicide."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Tastelessness is personified by Brüno to good, one-time box office results. May it never be repeated for as long as anal bleachin is not a lunchtime topic with colleagues at work.

American Psycho (2000)

Patrick Bateman.
Single-handedly decimating prostitute populations
since the turn of the millenium.

At a glance:
Never read the '91 book from which it's adapted but this sure makes some compellin viewin. On the surface, a story about a sick fuck narcissistic investment banker named Patrick Bateman who kills people, for example, a colleague with a better business card than his because it has a watermark. Historically, it has gone down as an important psychological thriller that attracts academic interest due to its surrealist presentation of white collar rat race socio-dynamics. Long monologues on fine food and beauty products by lead actor Christian Bale (pic) expound a complex story with plenty of rewards, cerebral as much as visual.
Perennial wonderment:
Batman or Bateman, this Christian Bale couldda easily played Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight (2008) with equal aplomb, if you examine the emotional breakdown in the telephone scenes.
Reminds me of:
Myself, of course. You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood. I want you to clean your vagina. I like to dissect girls. Did you know I'm utterly insane?
Watch out for:
All the pop culture commentary by Bateman are actually great reviews on the subject. You just find it hard to capture it all because he's sayin it while he's choppin some guy or whore up. With an axe. Shiny one, even.
Most memorable line:
"Don't just stare at it. Eat it."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Cara Seymour & Krista Sutton in a butt-eatin competion

Pin this one down at four full stars for intellectual entertainment that lives on today due to its unusual delivery. Check out this excerpt I got for you from a Universal Studios site - The characters are captive to 1987 fashion, which costume designer Isis Mussenden describes as "much bigger than now - shoulders with lots of pads, big glasses, big earrings and necklaces, and clothes that used large quantities of fabric. It's a general rule of thumb that when times are affluent, the clothing becomes voluminous." Mussenden's challenge was threefold. "As a costume designer, my first job is to interpret the script and build characters off the clothes," she says. "Clothing not only conveys character and mood visually, it also tells the story. When Bateman is feeling powerful, he wears a red tie, a shirt with bold stripes. But in weaker moments he appears in a lighter suit and a less flattering yellow tie.