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Tranny cop sex: Just in case you're not confused enough in The Haunted Dollhouse (2013).
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At a glance:
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| Wanna take it out and check if I'm anatomically correct? |
At first, I thought this 2013 omnibus horror from
Full Moon Features is actually
Devildolls (2012) because the latter lists it as an alternative title and most items on its IMDb page seem to check out. When I discover that none of the vignettes match the synopses of the movies they were apparently culled from i.e.
Demonic Toys a.k.a Dangerous Toys (1992),
Ragdoll (1999) and
Doll Graveyard (2005), I realise it's actually a completely new release, but again, culled from
other Full Moon movies! Anyway, I'm glad to know that producer and director
Charles Band is still goin strong. In all fairness, at least the doll theme is legit, so the package does do what it says on the tin. The first part, culled from
Skull Heads (2009), is called
The Protectors and is about some thievin con artists who pretend to be Hollywood filmmakers on a location recce, so as to loot an old Italian castle, but soon discover they're up against some skeletal creatures who can zap dead people into zombies. The second story, culled from
Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008), is about the superstitious practice of
worry dolls, set against a women
-in-prison backdrop. The last story,
Demonic Toys, is culled from
Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993) and I couldn't even tell you what goes on here because I was already too confused to follow after the second story.
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| Jessica Morris has nice eyes. Oh, the CGI skull dolls are cool too! |
Bad news on the doorstep:
Yep, we have a bad case of over-packaged under-editin here. Characters zoom by, emotions change all too easily from scene to scene and your understandin of events oscillate accordingly.
Perennial wonderment:
Nothin to wonder here. It's obvious that blatant repackaged anthologies like these should serve only as a callin card for us to look up the originals from which they were culled. It's definitely preferable to have endured a bad movie in its entirety than to have seen only parts of a potentially good movie, so imagine havin to watch mere parts of movies that are probably bad in the first place!
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Robin Sydney with barely any plot or clothes to work with.
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Reminds me of:
All the times I watched those Chucky movies. Did you know that the fear of dolls is called pediophobia? Well, better a pediophobe than a paedophile, eh?
I can't remember if I cried:
When this palm-sized chick in a bikini starts screamin even before she turns around to see what she was supposed to be afraid of. Ah,
Melissa Behr. Who cares if you can't act when you look so good still?
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| Dry humping your elderly servant while she's cooking in the kitchen. |
Most memorable line:
How often do you hear someone say the word
"obstreperous" in a horror movie? This sure is some FUBAR shit goin on here.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
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| Feeling fucked yet? |
Culture Crypt nails it:
"Remember the heyday of Blockbuster Video, when a
new Full Moon release meant hands that eagerly clutched a VHS tape with excited
anticipation to see not only the movie, but the ahead-of-their-time Videozone
segments that played after the film? Those days are over. They have been over for several years, in fact. The exact beginning of Full Moon’s
decline is difficult to pinpoint. One top candidate for that dubious honor may be their predilection for
filming two movies at the same time when in actuality they were splitting one
cohesive story into two separate films (see Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 for an
example). Now, like Devildolls
before it, Charles Band attains a new low in fan exploitation by presenting an 'anthology' that is actually three truncated versions of previous Full Moon films
cobbled together into one semi-coherent disappointment." Go there for what I consider to be the most definitive review on this unfortunate movie, if you even could call it that.
★★Bonus material:
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Melissa Behr has a stunning body. Wonder what she's up to these days?
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