Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.

I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013)

Jemma Dallender in a spot of rape & revenge for I Spit On Your Grave.

At a glance:

"I shit on your grave!! I do!!"

Director Steven R. Monroe follows up on his R & R hit (rape and revenge) I Spit On Your Grave (2010) with the inevitable I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013) -- this time with a slightly prettier lead in Kristin Kreuk lookalike Londoner Jemma Dallender (a bit like Hanna Mangan Lawrence too, innit?) and with better, more memorable villains, although they are typically East European again, as Hollywood's preferred criminal profilin will have it. The beloved critic Roger Ebert, who famously rubbished the 1978 original and its 2010 remake, is probably turnin in his grave right know, knowin that this franchise has managed to outlive him. For what it's worth, the product is a more polished, technically accomplished concept sequel with improved realistic torture for you gore hounds out there. This reboot features Katie, a wannabe model who gets more than she bargained for, after agreein to a free photo shoot with some dodgy blokes. Highlights include an extended rape scene on the floor and several good kills involvin a shitty toilet bowl (literally), a cement mixer and an electric prod, not to mention an excellent nipple removal scene reminiscent of Grotesque (2009), plus the best, most graphic castration scene I've ever seen on film.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We gotta nip it in the bud, I say.

I think it's a story of two halves, in more than one sense. The rape bit is nasty, steady stuff. However the revenge bit, which I believe to be central to makin these kind of movies work, is only partially present. Jemma Dallender actually commands a stronger screen presence than her predecessors Camille Keaton and Sarah Butler but the narrative robs us of any sort of meaningful reflection on the part of the aggrieved character that would have made retribution sweeter. The downtime I'm talkin about involves only a subway pigeon roast and a few half-arsed conversations with a sympathetic priest in a church. Notwithstandin some logistical concerns that plague the story and requires frequent suspensions of disbelief, Katie's unlikely escape and rebirth as the hellbent avenger is hard to relate to because she goes from desperate, helpless victim to a calculated, punchline-hurlin badass too quickly. She seems to have forgotten about the anguish that drove her so far in the first place, while we have been invested to see her keep it, especially for the decisive moments in which she is to exact her revenge. Huntin down her captors become an exercise in car-crash curiosity and the payoff we ask for is reduced to a series of shock violence and human depravity.

Jemma Dallender is a little tied up at the moment.

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

Perennial wonderment:

How should we do I Spit On Your Grave 3 ? I say, have a male lead this time, a pizza guy maybe, who gets raped and tortured by some old maids. Any better ideas? Drop me a line below.

Reminds me of:

I Spit on Your Grave / Day Of The Woman (1978) and Thriller - A Cruel Picture (1974). It's rare but I do find that this movie has actually provided a reasonably more entertainin modern times reupdate on those rape and revenge movies, although it broke no new ground.
I can't remember if I cried:
The nipple removal scene!

"Hmm... I wonder what this does..."

Most memorable line:

None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Starburst Magazine's Paul Risker framed it well: "For all the controversy of Straw Dogs' notorious rape scene, the film remains a reflection of the ideologies of its director Sam Peckinpah. It explores the individual’s relationship to violence and the necessity of violence for survival. Whilst this reflection is embedded in the film’s subtext, I Spit on Your Grave 2 asks you to attempt to find a reason to celebrate it by projecting meaning and metaphor onto it where none exists." The movie could have been 15-20 minutes shorter, to achieve what it did. By the way, I saw a 107-minute version, so don't get shortchanged because I read that there are some festival cuts around.★★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you below but I don't suggest you click through unless you don't intend to watch the movie. Enjoy!

Joe Absolom gives it up for the best castration scene in cinema history.

Paku Pontianak (2013)

Sidek Hussein has been carrying around this facial growth for 30 years. Horror movies always benefited from it. Apparently he's gonna have to operate soon.

The nail of necrophilia! Nice design, too.

At a glance:

Metrowealth's 85th title Paku Pontianak (2013) (lit: Vampire's Nail) aims to repeat the trusty but tired formula that has made them some money in the past, like Santau (2009), Mantra (2010), Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012) and most recently Minyak Dagu (2013), the last in that list I believe is the only horror production of theirs that has managed to turn in a profit so far this year. Reportedly shot for some RM 1.82 mil, it's a pretty standard genre exercise, about a labu sayong maker played by Pekin Ibrahim who bangs some chick in the middle of the road and takes her into his home to care for her. Yes, it's definitely a missed opportunity to sensationalise the traditional Malay gourd-shaped clay carafe industry like what Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore did for pottery in Ghost (1990), since they drove so deep into Kuala Kangsar to shoot, yet failed to take much from the culturally rich locale. Anyway, the fella bangs some chick (debutante Uqasha Senrose) on the road and brings her home to care for her since she's conveniently lost her memory as well. Time passes and his mum (Ruminah Sidek) starts to push for marriage in view of the gossipy villagers, but a jilted fan of his (debutante Hidayah Samsudin, fresh from her SimplySiti Star Search win) comes up with the theory that her rival is actually a vampire. Jeez, I've got to move to the country some day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Some good did come out of this movie, eh?

Well, this might go down as one of the most beautiful movies in the world for the lead couple who met and got hitched on set (Pekin insists he has known Uqasha since the both live in Subang but have never exchanged words), but for the rest of us who are dyin for some fresh horror chops, it's only the most recent in the catalogue of MIG titles that you start to forget even before walkin out of the cinema. Ismail Bob Hashim gets another go at horror after Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012), but it's the same Brian Ng sound mix (I like the guy, by the way), the same David Teo box office pantun pontifications, the same haunted angles, the same Ella Sandera makeup SFX and even the same tray of black magic paraphernalia, it seems. To MIG's credit, it has slightly more character development than usual, built on the otai boost of Ruminah Sidek and Sidek Hussein. However, most of the characters add little dimension to the story and I'm sorry to have to single out Uqasha Senrose here for a grossly uneven debut performance that really made no difference to the role and looked even worse next to Pekin's masterful nuances.

Perennial wonderment:

"So, is your skin as nice as Robert Pattinson's?"

Twilight notwithstandin, how many human-vampire romances have we seen recently? The director confesses to usin Nang Nak (1999) as a reference but he strangely brings this up as a positive distinction in a TMO clip. Well, the latest reupdate on that age-old Mae Nak legend just happens to be the new Thai box office champ, Pee Mak (2013), so what did Paku Pontianak bring to the table? Did they drive that crane so far deep into Kuala Kangsar to come away with such a pedestrian effort? What's so special about this story that it needs to be told? Even with low expectations, things have gotten very stale in the MIG stable.

Hidayah Samsudin tries to get her man back.

Reminds me of:

The Kuntilanak trilogy. Yep, I saw all of them. I persevered because Julie Estelle starred in all of them but they really got worse and worse!

I can't remember if I cried:

When I count how many MIG movie I've seen. I really enjoyed Santau (2009) but things have just been goin round in circles and I'm just dyin for MIG to try somethin like Centipede Horror (1984) someday.

Watch out for:

Adiba Yunus should've been the lead!

All eyes are on 21-year-old Kelantan-Siamese beauty Nik Zaris Uqasha Senrose Nik Sen and she is kinda cute but the real sex appeal and commandin female performance in this movie belong to Adiba Yunus (Siti Adibah Mohd Yunus) has risen up the MIG ranks from a mere film extra. She plays the suspicious sister Suraya with sharp conviction that is neither annoyin nor frivolous. I'll resist writin another paragraph on her seductive dominatrix looks out of respect but I do hope we'll get to see more of her. Oh, she's apparently landed the lead role in the upcomin Nasi Kangkang. Wow, my day just got better.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Box office voodoo!

Pekin Ibrahim shines but this is essentially the same punt forward with the familiar big reveals and convenient tie-ups near the end. The third act is a real downer and I really don't fancy these lazy expositions. That bein said, Paku Pontianak is actually a slight improvement on several technical fronts. How about breakin the PG-13 mould by goin for somethin that will really get the industry talkin? Oh well, I do hope Pekin and Uqasha get married next year -- then somethin great would have come out of it.★★
Bonus material:

Well, they have to promote it, don't they?

L-R: David Teo, Uqasha Senrose, Hidayah Samsudin, Adiba Yunus, Along Eyzendy, Pekin Ibrahim.

Rape For Profit (2012)

Rape For Profit: Women and children are helpless victims and it's all men's fault.

At a glance:

Narrow and naive, to say the least.

Backed by executive producer Jada Pinkett Smith and her NGO Don't Sell Bodies, Eric Esau and Jason Pamer's Rape For Profit (2012) is a Mew Films documentary the Huffington Post apparently calls "disturbing and provocative", though of course the writer behind this randy movie review blog will dismiss as little more than a narrow and naive worldview of the world's oldest profession, based on a few prostitutes in downtown Seattle, or to use a more sympathetic term as advocated by the film's extremely one-sided take on the trade, "prostituted women". Culled from hundreds of hours of ridealong footage with Sea-Tac street crimes unit and the Seattle high-risk victims unit, this 86-minute film purports to take the audience undercover for an up-close look at the true nature of the sex trade. Hmm... surely a movie review on a documentary that is against the objectification of women does not belong on a blog that verily celebrates it such as mine?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Hmm... I wish I had a therapist who looks like this.

The only thing powerful about this documentary is how the supercharged cops shame and shout at pimps, not to mention how the filmmakers see fit to drive around ambushin customers in some sort of vigilante effort to administer guilt, to the extent of causin an accident. You see the pigs in made-for-camera Batman-type roles, brandishin their brand of law with healthy doses of morality lectures. Even more gung-ho are the filmmakers, who directly confront the johns and ask them how they could do it to their wives, why porn ain't enough and why they had to come out and act on it, with no intention of procurin a meaningful answer. Far from bein an insightful tell-all exposé, this is the moral catharsis of several well-intentioned individuals and their respective organisations whose hearts are no doubt in the right places, however the total demonisation of the johns and the total vindication of the girls reflect a painfully mainstream point of view. Footage of interviews with mayors, councillors, district attorneys and even industry experts who all endorse the same position seal this for me as a missed opportunity. If you truly believe people who say "very few women end up around the world in what we call prostitution without a history of prior sexual harm" and that porn is a dress rehearsal for men who look for hookers, then go ahead and watch it.

Kiddie porn?

Perennial wonderment:

Did you know that whores ask would-be customers to whip their dicks out so that they can filter out cops? Just about the only genuinely interestin thing I learned from this movie. Oh wait, I also learned that cops surf backpage.com and escort sites lookin for a lack of hip and waist development in under-aged girls that are advertised as barely legal. Haha!

Reminds me of:

All those we've lost along the way.

I can't remember if I cried:

Rape victim with a pretty sad general history of abuse.

Some of the horror stories shared by the victims are truly heartbreakin but the filmmakers' forceful handlin of the pimps and also the whores are so laughably didactic and deluded that I find the effort almost difficult to believe as an unstaged documentary. Among the include "Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to her", "Do you think she wanted to grow up to be in some alley to suck dick?" "You are happier here now! This is much better for you!" and "You're precious, you're a princess and you have value and worth and I'm sorry you didn't grow up hearing that." Bah.

Johns can't seem to spell right, can they?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The mention of Green River killer Gary Ridgway (a necrophiliac with a penchant for whores) and various other unhelpful content serve only to cloud the issue further, though I'm glad that cop did manage to get the 24-hour drop-in help centre open after so many years of tryin. Check out the official website and Facebook fan page for more info. However, if I were you, check out American Courtesans (2013), Whores' Glory (2011) or even I Am A Sex Addict (2005) for a less naive viewpoint, if not a more entertainin and fascinatin one.★★
Bonus material:

"It has been said that prostitution and rape are two sides of the same coin."

I saw this witty review on IMDb written by an American user called timlin-4. My sentiments on this film seem closest to this fella, so I'll publish it below verbatim, since I cannot better it.

Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

THANKS REDNECK GATORS! : Victor Webster coppin' a feel of Jordan Hinson.

At a glance:

Yep, it's really happening.

The unapologetic Syfy story Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013) is what you get when several hungover writers eat a bad slice of pizza and decide that Romeo and Juliet desperately needs to be retold against a backdrop of rednecks, werewolf-like alligators, and rednecks who turn into werewolf-like alligators. Too much for you to process, huh? The pair of star-cross'd lovers who want to take your life here with a single jaw-droppin viewin, in case the gators don't, are Jordan Hinson and Victor Webster, as they ride out this preposterous but not altogether un-fun creature feature. The official synopsis reads: "When a family of Louisiana moonshiners dumps a bad batch of ‘shine in a swamp, the gators begin to mutate! They grow stronger, meaner, and more dangerous as they terrorize the bayou."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unlike other naysayers who tell you that the actin in here is simply atrocious, I'll tell you that each and every actor actually takes it seriously and nobody is short of respectably convincin at any one point. It's just that the animated threats look so painfully fake, leadin to an acute loss of character investment, even though the movie doesn't ask to be taken too seriously. This was also the biggest problem I had in tryin to finish watchin Sharknado (2013) and other Syfy spawns with similar formulae.

Perennial wonderment:

How about you spare my life and I'll put you in Gatornado?

Are rubber suits preferable to bad CGI for monster movies like this one? I remember watchin a horrible movie called Hydra (2009) in which the character reacts to an invisible force because the green screen work just ain't the best. That doesn't happen in Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators but I still feel embarrassed watchin it all the same. Yet, I secretly (and genuinely) wish I could get paid to write screenplays like these. The endless fun I would have.

Reminds me of:

Texan beauty Jordan Hinson was the little girl who was forced Munchausen's by proxy in the enjoyable direct-to-video caper Glass House: The Good Mother (2006). Boy, has she grown. She's found success on TV with Eureka but I don't watch TV so I won't know.

I can't remember if I cried:

A self-defecatin redneck pleads: "Can we at least wait until the place ain't jumpin' with gators? Because I got the heebie-jeebies and I ain't even know what the heebie-jeebies is."

Most memorable line:

"I was goin crazy here. I want somethin' more to life than drinkin' and huntin'. If I stayed here, I'd end up barefoot and pregnant, sittin' front of a porch, swattin' mosquitoes."

Watch out for:

This actress croaks as if the cancer from her smoking is infecting the air.By far the most interesting character. Is her name Amy Brassette?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Undemanding audiences.

Well-marketed backwater entertainment for undemandin audiences, with a dash of humour and some pretty good music, too. Hell, they even left somethin in there for sequel ambitions.★1/2

Bonus material:

CG you later, alligator!

The Haunted Dollhouse (2013)

Tranny cop sex: Just in case you're not confused enough in The Haunted Dollhouse (2013).

At a glance:

Wanna take it out and check if I'm anatomically correct?

At first, I thought this 2013 omnibus horror from Full Moon Features is actually Devildolls (2012) because the latter lists it as an alternative title and most items on its IMDb page seem to check out. When I discover that none of the vignettes match the synopses of the movies they were apparently culled from i.e. Demonic Toys a.k.a Dangerous Toys (1992), Ragdoll (1999) and Doll Graveyard (2005), I realise it's actually a completely new release, but again, culled from other Full Moon movies! Anyway, I'm glad to know that producer and director Charles Band is still goin strong. In all fairness, at least the doll theme is legit, so the package does do what it says on the tin. The first part, culled from Skull Heads (2009), is called The Protectors and is about some thievin con artists who pretend to be Hollywood filmmakers on a location recce, so as to loot an old Italian castle, but soon discover they're up against some skeletal creatures who can zap dead people into zombies. The second story, culled from Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008), is about the superstitious practice of worry dolls, set against a women-in-prison backdrop. The last story, Demonic Toys, is culled from Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993) and I couldn't even tell you what goes on here because I was already too confused to follow after the second story.

Jessica Morris has nice eyes. Oh, the CGI skull dolls are cool too!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Yep, we have a bad case of over-packaged under-editin here. Characters zoom by, emotions change all too easily from scene to scene and your understandin of events oscillate accordingly.

Perennial wonderment:

Nothin to wonder here. It's obvious that blatant repackaged anthologies like these should serve only as a callin card for us to look up the originals from which they were culled. It's definitely preferable to have endured a bad movie in its entirety than to have seen only parts of a potentially good movie, so imagine havin to watch mere parts of movies that are probably bad in the first place!

Robin Sydney with barely any plot or clothes to work with.

Reminds me of:

All the times I watched those Chucky movies. Did you know that the fear of dolls is called pediophobia? Well, better a pediophobe than a paedophile, eh?

I can't remember if I cried:

When this palm-sized chick in a bikini starts screamin even before she turns around to see what she was supposed to be afraid of. Ah, Melissa Behr. Who cares if you can't act when you look so good still?

Dry humping your elderly servant while she's cooking in the kitchen.

Most memorable line:

How often do you hear someone say the word "obstreperous" in a horror movie? This sure is some FUBAR shit goin on here.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Feeling fucked yet?

Culture Crypt nails it: "Remember the heyday of Blockbuster Video, when a new Full Moon release meant hands that eagerly clutched a VHS tape with excited anticipation to see not only the movie, but the ahead-of-their-time Videozone segments that played after the film? Those days are over. They have been over for several years, in fact.  The exact beginning of Full Moon’s decline is difficult to pinpoint. One top candidate for that dubious honor may be their predilection for filming two movies at the same time when in actuality they were splitting one cohesive story into two separate films (see Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 for an example). Now, like Devildolls before it, Charles Band attains a new low in fan exploitation by presenting an 'anthology' that is actually three truncated versions of previous Full Moon films cobbled together into one semi-coherent disappointment." Go there for what I consider to be the most definitive review on this unfortunate movie, if you even could call it that.★★
Bonus material:

Melissa Behr has a stunning body. Wonder what she's up to these days?

The Stranger Within (2013)

Estella Warren about to mount William Baldwin in The Stranger Within (2013).

The ghostly Katia Winter. Yeah I would.

At a glance:

Philosopher Erwin Neutzsky-Wulff's son Adam is a Danish TV series director makin his feature film debut with the R-rated Hollywood thriller The Stranger Within (2013). The earlier Sony title was The Stranger Inside but I think they're all too generic still. Anyway, it's completely Adam Neutzsky-Wulff's baby since he wrote, produced and directed it, and the biggest sellin point is that it sounds like an erotic thriller since William Baldwin and Estella Warren star in it. She's some kind of famous actress who survives a kidnap and rape, and he's the concerned psychiatrist husband who decides to take her to a holiday home on a remote island. Things get groovy when some bird appears on their doorstep (Sarah Butler, in various states of dress and undress again, just like she was in I Spit On Your Grave, 2010) with blood on her hands, seemingly havin just survived a hikin accident in which her boyfriend died. We're let in on a series of mindfucks but it does stop short of turnin into a home invasion thriller. Oh, there's a part too for Katia Winter -- I vaguely remember her naked body against Kellan Lutz in Arena a.k.a. Death Games (2011).

Bad news on the doorstep:

BDSM necrophilia? Nope. Oughtta be, though.

The billin is attractive and the performances are well above serviceable for an $800k flick but I didn't like bein whisked here and there so quickly in the early stages, while hardly connectin to the characters. The stock mystery thriller soundtrack compliments the rather predictable proceedings once they get to the house. It's not the most original of stories and if you watch a lot of thrillers, maybe the payoff twist won't really do it for you. To be honest, I only got this because I saw Kim Bodnia (that badass in the Pusher movies) in the cast listin but turns out he cameos as a masked kidnapper for just a few minutes! What a waste of a top actor -- didn't even get to see his face! Fuckin muppet.  

Perennial wonderment:

Estella Warren: Blushed and bemused.

Don't know modellin works but when I first saw Estella Warren in Planet of the Apes (2001), I thought she had an over-blushed kind of sex appeal that I don't particularly enjoy in an actress. Oh well, at least she finds work. Did you know she's a foodie and about to start some cookin shows and a culinary career of some sort?

Reminds me of:

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992), Sleeping With The Enemy (1991), Fatal Attraction (1987), Basic Instinct (1992) and this movie here (don't click it if you still want to watch the movie proper because you'd make out the twist right away).

Did you know:
Estella Warren is a world-class synchronised swimmer from Canada?

Watch out for:
There's a nice little song somewhere in the middle of the movie which I later found out to be Joan Westgate's Nothing Is Real. I'm tempted to say this is the best thing about the movie but that would be slightly too harsh. Her fans on YouTube said it anyway. Ha.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

For a thriller that wants to be taken seriously, the groundwork is pretty dodgy and the characters make pretty strange decisions sometimes. Well this ain't Mulholland Dr. (2001), that's for sure.★★
Bonus material:

Sarah Butler asks Estella Warren if her boobs are too small.