Run (2013)

Mortal Kombat's Sub Zero? No, it's William Moseley in a parkour flick for tweens.

I once tried out for the 100m hurdles and hurt my balls.

At a glance:

Don't think there's been better "movie ambassadors" to parkour than Banlieue 13 (2004) and Yamakasi (2001), so Simone Bartesaghi's indie effort Run (2013) with the folks from Team Tempest is a worth a look-see if you're into this scene. It's supposed to be in 3D too, I think, though I watched me the regular version. What you get is a serviceable little time-waster, starrin William Moseley (English child star from the 2005 Narnia movie) as "hero... thief... traceur", as the taglines will have it. Nope, the man's instantly forgettable.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unfortunately, Run tends to careen towards Step Up and Streetdance territory, lackin both the urgency and the pedigree to be taken more seriously by a wider audience. I'm not surprised some might even fall asleep watchin the trailer -- it's quite a lethargic little number for a movie about freerunnin! So I'm thinkin the only people who can be remotely excited about this are ) members of the production and distribution team b) parkour fans c) teenage moviegoers who will gobble up anythin with a young cast and a romantic subplot. It was a chore to finish this without some sort of substance abuse, really.

Perennial wonderment:

Slug parkour. This picture I found off the Internet must be some sort of cryptic review of the movie.

If I were born in a French banlieue, would I have been a traceur? All I can do now is admire all these Luc Besson movies and think of how I'd been chased by people all my life and never made an international movement out of it.

Kelsey Chow

Reminds me of:

Dance movies for teenagers. Can't believe I've had to watch a few. I think I've only ever enjoyed Honey (2003). Come to think of it, the female lead here looks a bit like Jessica Alba, doesn't she? Too bad she doesn't do much.

Watch out for:

Kelsey Asbill Chow, the Chinese-English looker who appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) but someone like my sister would remember as Gigi from TV's One Tree Hill. She complements the fluff here perfectly.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I guess what tipped it for me was that the parkour scenes aren't really immersive or fun to watch. Oh, well. Check out the official website and Facebook page for more info. I'm off to bed, fellas.★★
Bonus material:

What a poor promo pic. This review is to help out.

3096 Days (2013) @ 3096 Tage

How much weight did Antonia Campbell-Hughes lose to play a paedophile's muse? Apparently he kept her malnourished so she'd look more like daddy's little girl.

The real Natascha Maria Kampusch

At a glance:

3096 Days (2013) by Sherry Hormann (Desert Flower, 2009) is based on the 2010 autobiography of Natascha Maria Kampusch, the Austrian woman known for her abduction at the age of 10 back in 1998. Kampusch was held in a secret cellar by her kidnapper Wolfgang Přiklopil for more than eight years, until she escaped in 2006. The lass has gotten worldwide attention since and she's some kinda celebrity activist now, takin pics with Sri Lankan kids and whatnot.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Since the movie is based on her account of the harrowin events, we get a decent technical runaround e.g. the renovated dungeon and other physical details of the incarceration. However, while Antonia Campbell-Hughes really gives her all as Natascha and Thure Lindhardt makes a memorable villain, the little emotions are absent in this screenplay and her terrible ordeal -- one that you would expect to be riddled with desperation, reflection and total anguish -- seems as if it wasn't even a true story. Guess what? Maybe it isn't. There are plenty of documented instances where Miss Kampusch was caught lyin about the details and you can read online the many competin theories as to what really happened durin those 3096 days. See, some people think she's not so much a victim as she makes herself out to be. Apparently, she even cried when told about the fate of her abductor. All the speculation is infinitely more fascinatin than the movie proper, so do give it a Google. Read the IMDb boards, if you like. It would surely go some way towards explainin why these characters seem so one-dimensional. There simply isn't enough goin on here to convince the viewer than Natascha was bein held against her will.

"Fuck. I'm gonna miss prom night."

Perennial wonderment:

Maybe if the renowned German filmmaker and director Bernd Eichinger didn't die with his unfinished script, we'd have a better movie. After all, he did option her book and wanted Kate Winslet for Natascha, you know? Couldn't been like The Reader (2008), maybe. Anyway, this movie is apparently also based on his unfinished script.

Thirtysomething Antonia Campbell-Hughes playing a thirteen-year-old girl?
It would've been illegal to cast someone true-to-age, perhaps.

Home but never alone.

Reminds me of:

A bit of Trade (2007) and The Reader (2008) but those were well above average movies. This one's more like The Seasoning House (2012) if you're talkin about how hollow it feels.

I can't remember if I cried:

The sight of Antonia Campbell-Hughes in all her frail nakedness invites disgust and some sympathy but it's hard to invest in her character because we don't get to see what makes her tick. Some sequences in this drama approach art but somethin just ain't right with the whole setup. By the way, extended scenes of the girl in the nude do serve as one of the few ways by which we can feel some force of realism behind the turns of events, so you're pretty much completely shortchanged if you're watchin anythin less than the 1hr50min cut.

Most memorable line:

None. However I would like to mention that the dubbed British English dialogue is rather strange and off-puttin. Did they manage to go as far as they wanted to with this production idea? One reviewer I read remarked that you get Irish and Danish actors, playin Austrian people who talk with German accents.

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to be of use.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A follow-up movie oughtta be interestin. One that disputes her version of events. It would've been a more meaningful endeavour that would've been taken seriously if little Amelia Pidgeon played the girl throughout the whole show, without an older actress supplantin her. Meanwhile, we can all watch Michael (2011) or go kidnap our own pre-pubescent chick to see for ourselves if it really is this easy to keep a girl in your cellar for 3096 days and take her out shoppin once in a while.★★
Bonus material:

So this is what Miss Kampusch does with her time these days.

The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

Deranged (2012)

Buxom Glaswegian babe Natalia Celino moved to Spain after starring in Deranged (2012).

How can you give away the killer in the poster itself?

At a glance:

Not to be confused with the Korean ecological thriller of the same name and year of release, I believe Neil Jones' rather disastrous Deranged (2012) is a very fittin title for this little vanity project by the lead Marcia Do Vales, a Brazillian actress who also produced and wrote it. If you can stand her distractin accent and classless demeanour, then you can try finishin this DVD. Other casts in this Spain-set slasher include Craig Fairbrass (Vikingdom, 2013), Victoria Broom (Zombie Women Of Satan, 2009) and the obligin Glaswegian talent Natalia Celino (Umbrage, 2009). It's about four chicks away on a bachelorette holiday at a remote country house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Let's keep it short, lest it robs me of my time twice over. It's a low-budget genre piece with a several actors who keep things respectable but the effort is completely undone by a prologue and a poster that actually reveals who the killer is, right from the outset. This wouldn't have been a big problem if it had more goin for it but unfortunately, it doesn't. UK video store owner Dave Wain wrote a great review about how none of the girls are particularly likeable, singlin out the OTT performance from Marcia Do Vales, for she goes into moments of heightened tension soundin "like a Latino cookie monster".

Perennial wonderment:

Victoria Broom & Tabitha Quitman wonder how they'll live this one down.

Where's the labret gone, Natalia?
Oh well, have fun wherever you are.

Reminds me of:

Hmm... I didn't finish watchin Donkey Punch (2008), that other movie about British sluts holidayin in Spain. 

I can't remember if I cried:

Influx Magazine's Nav Qateel nails this one: "The best performance came when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than the scene right before she drops dead, where she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder)."

Watch out for:

The very nice Natalia Celino, a Scottish bird with monstrous tits. She gives us an eyeful in one sex scene to which she really should've have agreed, but it's definitely her (you can tell from her eye of horus tatt on her right shoulder and her pierced chin). I think she used to be a stripper or somethin like that, but she's recently had another baby and just moved to Spain last month, accordin to her rather public Facebook page. Probably to escape from the shame of havin starred in this horrible movie!

"Dude, can you shine the light here a little?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I see other interestin titles associated with Neil Jones - The Reverend (2011) and The Seasoning House (2012). As for this one, I'd say stay the fuck away.★1/2
Bonus material:
Check out the official website and Facebook fan page while it's still up.

Hard to imagine people going to its website and downloading wallpapers, really.

This is bad angle for a chick as hot as Natalia Celino. Shame on you, DOP!

Online (2013)

Morgan Ayres & Esseri Holmes are cheating spouses in Online (2013).

At a glance:

Would you cheat on a wife as hot as Kelsey Sanders?

Temptation is just one click away, so reads the tagline for the unimaginatively titled and non-SEO-friendly Online (2013) -- brought to you by the producer of What Would Jesus Do? (2010) through the distributor Slingshot Pictures, who only do faith-based titles and whose goal is to "acquire films that have strong family values, messages of hope and are life affirming as well as spiritually enriching." Consider it due notice then, that you're readin a review on a Christian-themed feature film about temptation and infidelity on a movie blog with as many sex ads as mine. Anyway, it does look like a determined bunch of middle-class Republicans got together and shot this peculiar flick, leadin to a final product that I'll concede as technically accomplished and deservin of a place on any DVD shelf -- even if the content is terribly and laughably guilty at preachin to the choir. It starts with a pointless openin credit sequence in an Italian restaurant kitchen (what does pizza-makin achieve in mise-en-scène?), after which we're introduced to our slightly giddy leadin man John (Morgan Ayres), a happily married, newly promoted, all-round clean cut, son of a preacher man. Late one night, our upright Christian crusader turns online outlaw when he decides to join a social networkin site that reconnects him with his high school flame, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). All it takes is one extramarital kiss and bam! Little Johnny starts shakin like a leaf, worryin about his neglected wife (Kelsey Sanders), his new job, his towerin father, the risen God -- you know, all that stuff.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The Interweb - where many a virtual sin is committed !

Sold!

Secular sentiments aside, this movie really tests you with some ludicrous events and character decisions -- and I'm not referrin to people breakin into prayer. The crux of the story is the Ninth Commandment and how it's a sin to lust for another, even in your heart. On the strength of the movie title, it had the golden chance to discuss relationships in the age of technology and social networkin, which is why I endured it. However, confined to operate within its narrow, self-defined framework, we see no sex, no lust and no real reflection on anyone's part, unless you think the match cuts where our estranged couple eats separately count. Nobody even swears in this movie, not that it's a definitive measure of realism. All the characters are unlikeable, weak, two-dimensional and grossly unreal. An easy example is how the wife played by Kelsey Sanders is hotter, sexier and much more temptin than the supposed temptress played by Esseri Holmes.

Perennial wonderment:

Looking for a bit on the side...
from a pastor's son?

Which church or congregation produced this I wonder? I think the director, filmmaker Kevan Otto is an ex-cop or somethin. It's not a cheap production, you know. Although mostly indoors with some slipshod camerawork and editin, they had some pretty elaborate sequences. Anyway, can someone explain to me why all the promo keyart and visuals do not feature billings for the three main casts? I can't even see their names in the small print. Is it because they're not part of the Christian scene that's behind a project like this one?

Thanks for the comedy, Mr Herlong!

Reminds me of:
The time the old lady in Orgazmo (1997) said: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig-fuckers." Okay, well it doesn't exactly remind me of that but I do think of that scene fondly whenever I feel people come on too strong.

I can't remember if I cried:

Byron Herlong had better not quit his day job as a computer guy because his actin is outrageously hammy. He played a French character in this movie as if he went all out to make the world hate everythin and anythin French.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whoa... You mean you only cheated... IN YOUR HEART?!?!"

I quite like how the end credits rolled but your capacity to enjoy or rather, to finish this movie, would pivot on your tolerance of unapologetically didactic Christian content. If you can't even get past the first of many scenes in which a Bible verse gets quoted, then just fast forward to find out the endin. However, in doin so, you'll miss out on the bit where they manage to take a swipe at psychics. Haha. Check out its Facebook fan page for more info.★1/2
Bonus material:

"O Lord! Show me the way to a better casting agent!"

Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.

I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013)

Jemma Dallender in a spot of rape & revenge for I Spit On Your Grave.

At a glance:

"I shit on your grave!! I do!!"

Director Steven R. Monroe follows up on his R & R hit (rape and revenge) I Spit On Your Grave (2010) with the inevitable I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013) -- this time with a slightly prettier lead in Kristin Kreuk lookalike Londoner Jemma Dallender (a bit like Hanna Mangan Lawrence too, innit?) and with better, more memorable villains, although they are typically East European again, as Hollywood's preferred criminal profilin will have it. The beloved critic Roger Ebert, who famously rubbished the 1978 original and its 2010 remake, is probably turnin in his grave right know, knowin that this franchise has managed to outlive him. For what it's worth, the product is a more polished, technically accomplished concept sequel with improved realistic torture for you gore hounds out there. This reboot features Katie, a wannabe model who gets more than she bargained for, after agreein to a free photo shoot with some dodgy blokes. Highlights include an extended rape scene on the floor and several good kills involvin a shitty toilet bowl (literally), a cement mixer and an electric prod, not to mention an excellent nipple removal scene reminiscent of Grotesque (2009), plus the best, most graphic castration scene I've ever seen on film.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We gotta nip it in the bud, I say.

I think it's a story of two halves, in more than one sense. The rape bit is nasty, steady stuff. However the revenge bit, which I believe to be central to makin these kind of movies work, is only partially present. Jemma Dallender actually commands a stronger screen presence than her predecessors Camille Keaton and Sarah Butler but the narrative robs us of any sort of meaningful reflection on the part of the aggrieved character that would have made retribution sweeter. The downtime I'm talkin about involves only a subway pigeon roast and a few half-arsed conversations with a sympathetic priest in a church. Notwithstandin some logistical concerns that plague the story and requires frequent suspensions of disbelief, Katie's unlikely escape and rebirth as the hellbent avenger is hard to relate to because she goes from desperate, helpless victim to a calculated, punchline-hurlin badass too quickly. She seems to have forgotten about the anguish that drove her so far in the first place, while we have been invested to see her keep it, especially for the decisive moments in which she is to exact her revenge. Huntin down her captors become an exercise in car-crash curiosity and the payoff we ask for is reduced to a series of shock violence and human depravity.

Jemma Dallender is a little tied up at the moment.

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

Perennial wonderment:

How should we do I Spit On Your Grave 3 ? I say, have a male lead this time, a pizza guy maybe, who gets raped and tortured by some old maids. Any better ideas? Drop me a line below.

Reminds me of:

I Spit on Your Grave / Day Of The Woman (1978) and Thriller - A Cruel Picture (1974). It's rare but I do find that this movie has actually provided a reasonably more entertainin modern times reupdate on those rape and revenge movies, although it broke no new ground.
I can't remember if I cried:
The nipple removal scene!

"Hmm... I wonder what this does..."

Most memorable line:

None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Starburst Magazine's Paul Risker framed it well: "For all the controversy of Straw Dogs' notorious rape scene, the film remains a reflection of the ideologies of its director Sam Peckinpah. It explores the individual’s relationship to violence and the necessity of violence for survival. Whilst this reflection is embedded in the film’s subtext, I Spit on Your Grave 2 asks you to attempt to find a reason to celebrate it by projecting meaning and metaphor onto it where none exists." The movie could have been 15-20 minutes shorter, to achieve what it did. By the way, I saw a 107-minute version, so don't get shortchanged because I read that there are some festival cuts around.★★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you below but I don't suggest you click through unless you don't intend to watch the movie. Enjoy!

Joe Absolom gives it up for the best castration scene in cinema history.

Paku Pontianak (2013)

Sidek Hussein has been carrying around this facial growth for 30 years. Horror movies always benefited from it. Apparently he's gonna have to operate soon.

The nail of necrophilia! Nice design, too.

At a glance:

Metrowealth's 85th title Paku Pontianak (2013) (lit: Vampire's Nail) aims to repeat the trusty but tired formula that has made them some money in the past, like Santau (2009), Mantra (2010), Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012) and most recently Minyak Dagu (2013), the last in that list I believe is the only horror production of theirs that has managed to turn in a profit so far this year. Reportedly shot for some RM 1.82 mil, it's a pretty standard genre exercise, about a labu sayong maker played by Pekin Ibrahim who bangs some chick in the middle of the road and takes her into his home to care for her. Yes, it's definitely a missed opportunity to sensationalise the traditional Malay gourd-shaped clay carafe industry like what Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore did for pottery in Ghost (1990), since they drove so deep into Kuala Kangsar to shoot, yet failed to take much from the culturally rich locale. Anyway, the fella bangs some chick (debutante Uqasha Senrose) on the road and brings her home to care for her since she's conveniently lost her memory as well. Time passes and his mum (Ruminah Sidek) starts to push for marriage in view of the gossipy villagers, but a jilted fan of his (debutante Hidayah Samsudin, fresh from her SimplySiti Star Search win) comes up with the theory that her rival is actually a vampire. Jeez, I've got to move to the country some day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Some good did come out of this movie, eh?

Well, this might go down as one of the most beautiful movies in the world for the lead couple who met and got hitched on set (Pekin insists he has known Uqasha since the both live in Subang but have never exchanged words), but for the rest of us who are dyin for some fresh horror chops, it's only the most recent in the catalogue of MIG titles that you start to forget even before walkin out of the cinema. Ismail Bob Hashim gets another go at horror after Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012), but it's the same Brian Ng sound mix (I like the guy, by the way), the same David Teo box office pantun pontifications, the same haunted angles, the same Ella Sandera makeup SFX and even the same tray of black magic paraphernalia, it seems. To MIG's credit, it has slightly more character development than usual, built on the otai boost of Ruminah Sidek and Sidek Hussein. However, most of the characters add little dimension to the story and I'm sorry to have to single out Uqasha Senrose here for a grossly uneven debut performance that really made no difference to the role and looked even worse next to Pekin's masterful nuances.

Perennial wonderment:

"So, is your skin as nice as Robert Pattinson's?"

Twilight notwithstandin, how many human-vampire romances have we seen recently? The director confesses to usin Nang Nak (1999) as a reference but he strangely brings this up as a positive distinction in a TMO clip. Well, the latest reupdate on that age-old Mae Nak legend just happens to be the new Thai box office champ, Pee Mak (2013), so what did Paku Pontianak bring to the table? Did they drive that crane so far deep into Kuala Kangsar to come away with such a pedestrian effort? What's so special about this story that it needs to be told? Even with low expectations, things have gotten very stale in the MIG stable.

Hidayah Samsudin tries to get her man back.

Reminds me of:

The Kuntilanak trilogy. Yep, I saw all of them. I persevered because Julie Estelle starred in all of them but they really got worse and worse!

I can't remember if I cried:

When I count how many MIG movie I've seen. I really enjoyed Santau (2009) but things have just been goin round in circles and I'm just dyin for MIG to try somethin like Centipede Horror (1984) someday.

Watch out for:

Adiba Yunus should've been the lead!

All eyes are on 21-year-old Kelantan-Siamese beauty Nik Zaris Uqasha Senrose Nik Sen and she is kinda cute but the real sex appeal and commandin female performance in this movie belong to Adiba Yunus (Siti Adibah Mohd Yunus) has risen up the MIG ranks from a mere film extra. She plays the suspicious sister Suraya with sharp conviction that is neither annoyin nor frivolous. I'll resist writin another paragraph on her seductive dominatrix looks out of respect but I do hope we'll get to see more of her. Oh, she's apparently landed the lead role in the upcomin Nasi Kangkang. Wow, my day just got better.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Box office voodoo!

Pekin Ibrahim shines but this is essentially the same punt forward with the familiar big reveals and convenient tie-ups near the end. The third act is a real downer and I really don't fancy these lazy expositions. That bein said, Paku Pontianak is actually a slight improvement on several technical fronts. How about breakin the PG-13 mould by goin for somethin that will really get the industry talkin? Oh well, I do hope Pekin and Uqasha get married next year -- then somethin great would have come out of it.★★
Bonus material:

Well, they have to promote it, don't they?

L-R: David Teo, Uqasha Senrose, Hidayah Samsudin, Adiba Yunus, Along Eyzendy, Pekin Ibrahim.