Hell Glades (2013)

Jenny Scordamaglia and Katie Rotolo have the best pair in Hell Glades (2013).

Pointless interracial horseplay scene:
Michael Malone and Sandy Jean.

At a glance:

How I wish I could take some hot chicks into the wetlands for eight days and muck about in the name of makin a movie. Just about anyone can make a movie these days, can't they? Just ask my fellow countryman Julian Cheah... or in this case, Aiden Dillard, who has carved a name sellin his movies like Meat Weed America (2007) to dodgy content distributors Troma Team Video. I think this Hell Glades farce never got shopped since its completion as far back as 2011 and only recently found itself on iTunes. Filmed in Immokalee and Miami Beach, it's a sun-soaked slasher with bikini-clad broads and an outlandish Native American villain named Coowahchobee. The synopsis reads: On Friday October 5th 2007, the first day of Columbus Day weekend celebration in the United States of America, a group of young women went camping in the Florida Everglades. They all disappeared under myserious circumstances, except for one. This is her story.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Coowahchobee loves good head."

"With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen
was hard pressed not to enter your pistil."

Well, what can I say. This is the cheapest cousin of Wild Things (1998) yet -- and I've seen me all of them. Curiously edited with a range of hard cuts and some fadeaway shots, it comes across like an action documentary with very low production values. The sound mix is so poor that swimming pool waves drown out the voice of a guy who narrates standin next to it. The worst thing about this movie though, is what is bein passed as actin. The delivery and timin of the lines are so outrageously hammy, it seems almost intentional. This in turn becomes an unexpected sellin point of the movie. If only they packaged it that way, it could've turned some heads. As it is, the laughable low-budget kills and horrible lightin is enough to make anyone switch off within the first 10 minutes.

Best actor: This barn owl.

Perennial wonderment:

The worst completed movie is still better than the best uncompleted movie, right? One day, I will test this.

Reminds me of:

Troma's The Toxic Avenger (1984) but that was curio piece with a lastin legacy. Hell Glades (2013) on the other hand, plays off scarcely better than a film school project you'd shoot with your parents' money. It's strange they had so many elements and used so many people for the effort. Aiden Dillard, if you're readin this - can you tell me what you had initially hoped to achieve by makin this movie?

I can't remember if I cried:

Please. Do. Not. Act. Again. Ever.

This fella named Ron Henry cannot act to save his life. If you're readin this, please sir, don't ever put yourself through the embarrassment again.

Most memorable line:

Well, this silly flick sure has some unusual writin. Imagine how in the first minute, a couple have sex in the woods and the girl goes: "Hey John, look at that owl, looks like it's watching us. Isn't that strange?" and he replies with a snigger: "Even the birds like to watch the bird and the bees." Other cringe-inducin lines include "That's where I keep my larger prey like bears panthers and other big pussies." and "Our love is like sandwich. You are ham, I am cheese."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Robin Vernon groped by Seminole baddie in Hell Glades (2013).

Hell Glades in the hands of a more competent filmmaker would've had high chances of fallin into the category of films that are so bad, they're good. What kinda movie goes through the elaborate execution of havin their bustiest actress say lines like "With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen was hard pressed not to enter your pistil." Should've been much more fun than this.★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you, culled from the official Hell Glades Facebook fan page.

What does the Arabic on Aban Sonia's chest say?

(L-R: Chelsea Harshman, Nicole Soden, Katie Rotolo, Jenny Scordamaglia, Belkys Galvez, Aban Sonia. Krelwear sponsors swimwear on last day of filming at Deauville Hotel, Miami Beach. Photo: Sid Graves.)

Paranormal Whacktivity (2013)

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KL Gangster 2 (2013)

Rosyam Nor goes for Sheera Iskandar's extra virgin goodness in KL Gangster 2.

"Pat pat siku lipat, siapa download aku sunat!"

At a glance:

Unceremoniously leaked online more than a full month ahead of its theatrical run this 3 October, filmmaker Syamsul Yusof's dreams (and Daddy's dough) must've gone up in flames last night, as KL Gangster 2 (2013) will now be forever known as Skop Production's RM 4.5 mil prequel that goes into the game with no hope of nibblin anythin near the record RM 11.74 mil the original posted late in 2011. Poor thing. I dragged all my middle class friends to the cinema and paid cash money to watch the first movie twice, just to make sure they had the funds to make this one. Things were still very upbeat three weeks ago when its excitin YouTube trailer was released to more than a million views.

Bad news on the doorstep:

KL Gangster 2: Tauke or taugeh?

The package is generally overlong at almost two hours, with Zizan's wannabe gangsta funnyman role, so celebrated in the first instalment, ostensibly overstayin his welcome, along with all that overdone Canto and Hokkien palaver you get from everyone else. Adam Corrie repeatedly sayin one line in Cantonese only to follow it with the correspondin Malay translation is a fatal example of how it all goes pear-shaped on this occasion. You just can't do that! When KL Gangster first hit the screens in 2011, it played along the fine lines between the lame and the laughable, while deliverin Malaysia's answer to Hong Kong's popular 90s series Young And Dangerous (Syamsul actually outright name drops Chan Ho Nam this time) in a surprisingly refreshin and fun way. This 2013 prequel boasts a "dream team" cast addition in veteran villain Rosyam Nor but while the man acquits himself well, all that trash talk throughout has worn too thin and there is seriously very little poison left in Soffi Jikan's Bangladeshi sting. Even Syamsul Yusof's unpolished stab at the Chinese dialects are exposed this time as he attempts longer lines. The first product was an enjoyable and successful hit-and-run. This one sorely needed a stronger script and newer elements.

"Who uploaded my movie?! Who?!"

Perennial wonderment:
How did the movie fall in the wrong hands? What an unfortunate development. As Soffi Jikan quips in the movie: O.O.O. -- Out of order.

Reminds me of:

How Hugh Jackman was completely heartbroken when an unfinished copy of his labour of love X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) was uploaded a month before it was released in cinemas. The perp, a New York movie fan by the name of Gilberto Sanchez, 49, pleaded guilty and got a year behind bars. Will they get to the bottom of this one? Do me a favour, fellas. Go watch this one in the cinema because whatever its flaws, it deserves to be seen on the big screen, especially for the ambitious action sequences near the end.

Most memorable line:

"Ini malam manyak sui laa. Pukul tiga pagi lagi mau kacau orang ka? Sejuk sejuk ini macam ah, baik lu balik peluk bini bikin anak maa." Love the new mullet, Syamsul! Oh, Rosyam Nor has a good one too. "Eh barua, gua mau kasi ingat sama lu ah, duduk sini lu punya tempat diam-diam, lu jaga sama lu punya anjing-anjing hitam. Jangan nanti hari Deepavali, orang pecah kelapa, lu pecah kepala." Not gonna make many MIC friends any time soon.
Watch out for:

Babi-cue punya perempuan:
The deliciously milfy Angeline Tan Yoke Yeah.

The incredibly and deliciously milfy Angeline Tan Yoke Yeah (of Pi Mai Pi Mai Tang Tu fame, who seems to be enjoyin a new lease of big screen life lately, starrin in films like Cinta Beruang and Hantu Air). She actually gets quite a lot of screen time but cannot turn the movie around. By the way, Sheera Iskandar's err... "heavy" return as the once-pious disco sister is a complete letdown, contributin little to the proceedings.

From hati kering to poket kering?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

As a staunch supporter of this franchise, I wanted it to be good so badly -- and more importantly, I wanted it to make money. What are the chances now for KL Gangster 3? My heart goes out to Syamsul Yusof, who has apparently lodged a police report this mornin over the matter. "Sorry ah, lengcai. Lu punya ending tarak chantek maa." ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Bisikan Syaitan (2013)

"Why did you put the twist inside the synopsis ?!?! Why ?!?!"

Nabila Huda all sullen, like.

At a glance:

This might not be the longest 80 minutes of your life, but film editor Faizul Rashid's debut feature Bisikan Syaitan (2013) (literally: Satan's Whisper) suffers the stunnin marketin incompetence of havin a widely circulated synopsis that effectively reveals the big twist in the movie. Why do things like this still happen? What a fuckin waste of time it was for me. Who am I to ask for a replacement DVD or download voucher apology from Grand Brilliance producers Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin and Latiff Mohaideen for havin sat through this farce? Bisikan Syaitan is a sorry shyte excuse of a supernatural horror, shot at Frasers Hill and Kuala Kubu Baru for a reported RM 1.5m. It opened in Malaysia last month, rakin in some RM 790k.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Can't you give me a better T-shirt?"

If that's not bad enough, stick around and run through the genre tropes with me. This movie is about 20 or 30 years behind time, with all its cardboard characters and cheesy scare scenes. Maybe some of these actresses take the term Scream Queen in horror movies to mean you have to scream an awful lot. Screamin at the top of your lungs in every distress scene is not actin! Nabila Huda is ace in any bohsia role but she's no scream queen. The other actress, Wan Sharmila, commands no screen presence and apparently a steamy scene between her and Fizz Fairuz was lost to the censors.What's left? A Tweety t-shirt and a whole lot of screamin.

Perennial wonderment:

How many times have we seen a good premise on paper, completely lost to rubbish execution? Maybe that's why some of the older MIG horror flicks were quite watchable -- they had some measure of pace and execution, to mask its inadequate story. Workin with Nanie Ishak's script that
has everythin from watermelon and coconut juice to human placenta and explodin computer screens, how did it turn out so bad? Whispers here, whispers there. Whispers do not make a movie!

Reminds me of:

The last time I enjoyed a horror movie at home was 9-9-81 (2012) a few weeks ago. In a cinema? Probably as far back as Laddaland (2011).

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hey yo wassup you hospital folks y'all? Where da party be at?"

Dynas cameos as a doctor. Talk about bein miscast. All that flowin hair, walkin in and out of ORs like it's a Pantene ad. When will they learn? Wotta joke. What can you expect from a movie that screws up the font spacin in its title cards?

Farrah Nadia

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Doe-eyed child actor Farrah Nadiah is by far the best thing about this terrible effort, though I can't knock Fizz Fairuz for anythin. I can't believe them guys left that cliched last scene in the final cut. You know I'm only angry because I care. This was a piss poor project, even for the undemandin local standards. Back to the drawin board, fellas.★1/2
Bonus material:

"You're under arrest for starring in a criminally poor movie."

Lovelace (2013)

Peter Sarsgaard tickles Amanda Seyfried's tonsils in Lovelace (2013).

At a glance:

The real Linda Lovelace.

How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle, asks the poster for Deep Throat (1972), the purported most profitable indie flick of all time at some $600m (not accordin to the mob who funded it), out of which tragic starlet Linda Lovelace received none of the US$1250 owed to her. I wish I were livin in those pre-Internet days to experience fuck flicks at standalone cinema wankathons, at least once in my life. If I did, I wish I got to know Linda Susan Boreman, the unassumin Florida schoolgirl turned world famous porn star, often credited as bringing adult entertainment into the forefront of mainstream attention. This very sympathetic and one-sided Andy Bellin / W. Merritt Johnson treatment is a biopic based on Eric Danville's 2001 book The Complete Linda Lovelace, focusin on how the lass escapes her religious mother (Sharon Stone) to meet and marry the charismatic hustler Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) who would end up bein her papa pimp and punisher. Who would've thought that Linda's impressive capacity for fellatio would send her up the dizzyin heights of international superstardom and then down so far to the lowest levels of human depravity? Lovelace (2013) is a movie I was excited to read about and I wanted to like.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Juno Temple would've been my top choice for Linda.

Dirty beauties Juno Temple and Chloe Sevigny both have small roles in this and I wish either of them had landed the leadin part instead. Was Amanda Seyfried cast because of her freckles and her 60s style, upside-down heart-shaped tits? I read that Kate Hudson was first choice! What a disaster that would've been. Far more critical than that, of course, is how easily the picture goes down, when contrasted against the cultural significance of its characters. I'm talkin about how it "reduces an immensely disturbing, politically byzantine tale to a series of cartoonish vignettes" and how "this celeb-studded biopic squanders a gutsy performance by Amanda Seyfried while making '70s porn look scarcely more sleazy than a movie-of-the-week melodrama from the period", accordin to Rob Nelson for Variety. Sarsgaard and Adam Brody especially give some layered, highly watchable performances but the way all the characters enter and exit the proceedings, e.g. Playboy legend Hugh Hefner played by James Franco, simply devalues the explosive subject matter. Not only is the camerawork rather static, the characterisation makes caricatures out of everyone and many potentially powerful scenes lose their emotional gravitas, e.g. Dad (Robert Patrick) talkin to his little girl on the phone about how he had to walk out of the cinema, and Linda survivin a beatin in the streets only to be rescued by cops who were more interested in gettin her autograph.

Well, at least the retro typeset and production design was spot on.

James Franco's pipe-wielding Hugh Hefner!

Perennial wonderment:

Will we ever find out how much the movie actually made? Did Hugh Hefner really get a blowjob from Linda and was he really a sympathetic figure who wanted her to be a legitimate movie star? Was Linda actually a pathological liar and used everyone, just as much as they used her? It would've been nice to at least cover the other angle about how she felt the anti-porno movement also manipulated her durin her last days.

Reminds me of:

The wonderfully depressin biopics Auto Focus (2002) about Bob Crane and What's Love Got To Do With It (1993) about Tina Turner - both of which are vastly more resonant and wholly entertainin than this one.

I can't remember if I cried:

When it stopped at 92 minutes. What kind of self-respectin biopic has such a short runtime? No wonder everythin seems rushed!

Most memorable line:

Chuck says: "No, Linda, it's Shakespeare. I told them you do a great English accent, particularly with a cock down your throat."

Innit sad that a movie so big gave so little to Linda?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Total Film's Kate Sables notes that for a movie obsessed with truth-tellin, Lovelace "ignores the competing accounts of its heroine’s porno past, privileging only her own version". Another online comment dismisses Lovelace as "nothing more than a by-the-numbers, woman empowerment, Lifetime channel Movie Of The Week…with nudity". I do feel it's not very tender and disappointingly mediocre. For a more academic view on the topic, check out the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat. By the way, does anyone know what happened to that other Linda Lovelace story that was supposed to be out this year, Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story (2013), starrin Malin Akerman and Sasha Grey? I read that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be the lead. Oh well, meanwhile I'll have to check out Paul Schrader's The Canyons to see how LiLo is doin. ★★1/2
The day the music died:

R.I.P. Linda "Lovelace" Boreman (26 Jan 1949 - 22 Apr 2002)
and Charles Everett "Chuck" Traynor (21 Aug 1937 - 22 July 2002)

Bonus material:

Some of them like to use you, some of them like to be of use.

Milf (2010)

Wild things: Jack Cullison samples Amy Lindsay's MILF mounds.

At a glance:

Welcome to the motherload and the world of overripe melons, brought to you by the director of Sharkalanche (2013), Scott Wheeler, and the mockbuster producers behind Sharknado (2013), The Asylum. After failing romantically with girls their own age, a group of nerdy male college students discover the excitement of hookin up with sexy older women, often referred to as MILFs. Lifelong best friends Brandon (Jack Cullison) and Anthony (Philip Marlatt) as well as their geek/gamer friends Nate (Joseph Booton) and Ross (Ramon Camacho) succeed beyond their wildest dreams as they boink mature lady after mature lady. However, when Brandon gets slightly too attached to Anthony’s sexually active mother (Amy Lindsay), their whole scheme begins to fall apart.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Amy Lindsay and Molinee Green in Milf (2010).

Peppered with boob shots throughout all 88 minutes, the proceedings are more banal than the last overmilked American Pie addition, the unbearable American Reunion (2012). In fact, there's one scene that does seems inspired from the popular degenerate series and it's probably the highlight of this otherwise pedestrian effort. Simply not enough entertainment value here to make you stick to the screen, so your best bet is to leave this on the telly while other things happen in the room.

After school homework.

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that the Korean-American actor John Cho made popular the word MILF through the American Pie movies? So before the 1999 release of the first flick, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front must've been a badass Muslim rebel group that couldn't sell any t-shirts.

Reminds me of:

Cougars Inc. (2011) and Cougar Hunting (2011). Yes, I watched them. I must hate myself. However, what I hate more than myself is the annoyin English bloke in this movie who seems to be modelled after Seann William Scott's Stifler in the American Pie movies, with none of the watchable charm.

"Hey Johnny, I'm doing something you did when you were just a baby!"

I can't remember if I cried:

The co-ed love interest (Jamie Bernadette) looks older than all the MILFs. How does that work?

Most memorable line:

"What? We're in college now. I'm now officially one year older than she was when she birthed you." and "Hey man, if anybody was gonna be sleepin' with my mum, I'm glad it was you." That's the level of writin you can in sex comedies of this generation, I reckon.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Hurrah! We finished watching the movie!"

The MILFs aren't even stunners. Jog on, fellas. Go watch Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) instead.★
Bonus material:
Here are some tits, so you can skip the movie.

Porn star Molinee Green drops her towel.

Ashley (2013) @ Sprawl

Nicole Fox and Nicole Buehrer negotiates the awkward morning after in Ashley.

Hey, look! Another nipple poster.

At a glance:

Domenic Migliore's snailwork of a story Ashley (2013) a.k.a. Sprawl is an exercise in teen frustration that renders itself all too well at the hands of the director, Dean Matthew Ronalds. From the attractive poster, I'd thought it might be somethin like Flashdance (1983) meets Lolita (1997), or maybe even Gia (1998) meets Crush (1993). Turns out it's an indie drama scarcely worth watchin even for 22-year-old lead Nicole Fox, the fashion model starlet best known as the winner of Cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model. She plays a sullen 17-year-old student faced with a catalogue of personal problems like self-harm, bullyin, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, buddin homosexuality and a general disenchantment with life. She lives with her alcoholic single mum (Jennifer Taylor), who blames her husband's death on her. Gosh, if she only had AIDS this would be the middle-class suburban white version of Precious (2012), wouldn't it?

Bad news on the doorstep:

"I'm a teenager!"

I think a critical flaw in this effort is the surprisin lack of any moral resolution to the proceedings, but what upsets me the most is that the movie has little, if at all, to say about the human condition. There's plenty of amateurish camerawork to pick on, too. What will probably stop you in your tracks is the overdone soundtrack which is saturated with annoyin teenybopper music, tense piano pieces and even opera tracks -- all of which hardly improve the scenes. Hell, there's no tension to the narrative and sometimes I can't even bloody hear what the characters are sayin!

Perennial wonderment:

Michael Madsen:
Most hardworking cameo actor today.

Oh there goes Michael Madsen again, makin yet another five minute cameo in any shoestring indie project that could do with better billings. Didn't I just watch him last night in Nomad (2013) mumblin and barkin at someone as usual? Somewhere in the world, it's payday for Michael Madsen. Here, he collects after tellin Ashley what veal is and then tryin to cop a feel. What a plonker.

Reminds me of:

"This is how I feel about heterosexual sex and polite conversation."

That equally meanderin melodrama About Cherry (2012) starrin Ashley Hinshaw, about how a young girl becomes a porn star. By the way, there's hardly any nudity here, save maybe for an awkward phone sex scene. Oh wait, Nicole Fox does take her bathrobe off somewhere near the end, if you actually get anywhere near that.

Nicole Fox disappears into Ashley.
[Photo credit migliorephoto.com]

I can't remember if I cried:

Once the end credits rolled. Sheesh. Remember, I watch bad movies so you don't have to. If you paid to see this, you'd be mean enough to say it ain't too far off from a voyeur cam, the footage of a girl smokin, cuttin herself, smokin again, playin on her laptop and smokin again.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

So was that endin an attempt at an emotional payoff? If I were payin enough attention, this movie actually has a very dangerous message. Me, I'm off to rewatch The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (2004) to forget about all this palaver.★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some production photos and a few movie stills if you insist on watchin it. You could also go check out the official website and the Facebook fan page.

America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox gives two for the cause.

How every successful relationship begins -- online.