A Sister's Nightmare (2013)

Ahh... Natasha Henstridge. Species was a rite of passage for many wankers, literally.

At a glance:

You will forgive this writer for not resistin Natasha Henstridge in any form of visual entertainment, on account of the post-pubertal nostalgia of watchin Species (1995) for the very first time. You will forgive this writer, even if A Sister's Nightmare is a Lifetime telemovie and her glorious teardrop tits, now misshapen by the sands of time, remain covered throughout. The story? Oh, it's just a mystery thriller directed by Vic Sarin, about an embattled police officer (Kelly Rutherford) who is forced to welcome her older sister (Henstridge) into her home after 16 years of confinement in a psychiatric hospital.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh, the usual caricatures and predictable setups. It's also a little strange that the actress who plays the younger sister is six years older than her in real life, not that this had any bearin on just how the movie held up, goin into the last third where the dots connect all too easily. Every other character, like the feckless fiancé (Matthew Settle) and even the mysterious, aquaphobic daughter (Peyton List) merely embellish the backdrop, so we don't think this is a Stephen King story.

Kelly Rutherford looks a little like Ellie Goulding here, doesn't she?

Natasha Henstridge is a different species, these days.

Reminds me of:

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) and Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) but those were much better, of course.

Most memorable line:

Well I certainly don't remember any but check out this hilarious movie review by Jill O'Rourke at Crushable. Definitely more entertainin than what I've spluttered here or even the movie proper.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Canada will continue to breed such movies for many more years to come, surely. This particular one's a rushed exercise, but very serviceable for a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Keep your expectations low.★★★
Bonus material:

Wow. Time changes everything, huh?

Orc Wars (2013)

Orc Wars are fought with semi-automatics, shotguns, tasers, Indian medicine men, rednecks and even elven princesses with bad dye-jobs who do jumping front kicks.

Dragonfyre The Worldgate Sentinel?
Not a bad poster, frankly.

At a glance:

Orc Wars by Kohl Glass is worth a look-see, if only to do some background readin to understand whether orcs are trademarked or copyrighted entities. Sorry, I'm equally ignorant about Tolkien's works and German folklore. I've never seen the 2001 movie Orcs! either. Anyway, I just read from producer Kynan Griffin a few hours ago that the movie will be known as Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel in some markets. The story? Not too sure, wasn't really payin too much attention. It's a fantasy flick, with some kinda mixed realm or time travel plot, involvin this ex-army redneck (Rusty Joiner) who buys a remote ranch in the country despite the cutthroat market without even lookin at the property. You get hand grenades, tasers, swords and sub-machine guns, not to mention CGI dragons, white elven witches and a whole lotta Orcs, chasin after this one warrior huntress chick (Masiela Lusha) who looks like Shakira with a worse dye-job.

Bad news on the doorstep:

When they're not shootin a Lord Of The Rings or Hobbit movie, I suppose you can have all the Orc costumes on the cheap. Frank Veenstra over at Bobafett1138 pardons the cheapness but finds it particularly annoyin that all modern Orcs sound like they walked in from the Peter Jackson movies.

Perennial wonderment:

"So... err... gimme all your gold, fool."

Let me give you an example or how absolutely frustratin this can get sometimes. See this frame right here? The chick lands on her feet dramatically after doin some kungfu shit, but you can hardly see the blade or her boobs. The scene just ends like that. What a waste!

Reminds me of:

Timeline (2003) starrin Gerard Butler, Paul Walker and Frances O'Connor. That was a neat little timewaster that was very serviceable, though.

Masiela Lusha plays the elven princess.

I can't remember if I cried:

When the Indiana Jones character whips out two pistols and starts shootin Orcs within the openin five minutes. That's when I went to the fridge to look for snacks.

Most memorable line:

I'd be damned if I remembered any lines at all.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not unwatchable, lest you think I'm bein too harsh. However, it's hard to get into the mood with all the ATVs and grenades soundin off, while both the good guys and the bad guys hardly register a significant note. Well, if you're hardly payin attention, the adventure is largely inoffensive. Do check out its official Facebook fan page for more info.★★
Bonus material:

Director signing off DVD copies to send to the Kickstarter financiers who donated to the cause. The Orcs thank you guys for lunch, I'm sure.

Run (2013)

Mortal Kombat's Sub Zero? No, it's William Moseley in a parkour flick for tweens.

I once tried out for the 100m hurdles and hurt my balls.

At a glance:

Don't think there's been better "movie ambassadors" to parkour than Banlieue 13 (2004) and Yamakasi (2001), so Simone Bartesaghi's indie effort Run (2013) with the folks from Team Tempest is a worth a look-see if you're into this scene. It's supposed to be in 3D too, I think, though I watched me the regular version. What you get is a serviceable little time-waster, starrin William Moseley (English child star from the 2005 Narnia movie) as "hero... thief... traceur", as the taglines will have it. Nope, the man's instantly forgettable.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unfortunately, Run tends to careen towards Step Up and Streetdance territory, lackin both the urgency and the pedigree to be taken more seriously by a wider audience. I'm not surprised some might even fall asleep watchin the trailer -- it's quite a lethargic little number for a movie about freerunnin! So I'm thinkin the only people who can be remotely excited about this are ) members of the production and distribution team b) parkour fans c) teenage moviegoers who will gobble up anythin with a young cast and a romantic subplot. It was a chore to finish this without some sort of substance abuse, really.

Perennial wonderment:

Slug parkour. This picture I found off the Internet must be some sort of cryptic review of the movie.

If I were born in a French banlieue, would I have been a traceur? All I can do now is admire all these Luc Besson movies and think of how I'd been chased by people all my life and never made an international movement out of it.

Kelsey Chow

Reminds me of:

Dance movies for teenagers. Can't believe I've had to watch a few. I think I've only ever enjoyed Honey (2003). Come to think of it, the female lead here looks a bit like Jessica Alba, doesn't she? Too bad she doesn't do much.

Watch out for:

Kelsey Asbill Chow, the Chinese-English looker who appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) but someone like my sister would remember as Gigi from TV's One Tree Hill. She complements the fluff here perfectly.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I guess what tipped it for me was that the parkour scenes aren't really immersive or fun to watch. Oh, well. Check out the official website and Facebook page for more info. I'm off to bed, fellas.★★
Bonus material:

What a poor promo pic. This review is to help out.

3096 Days (2013) @ 3096 Tage

How much weight did Antonia Campbell-Hughes lose to play a paedophile's muse? Apparently he kept her malnourished so she'd look more like daddy's little girl.

The real Natascha Maria Kampusch

At a glance:

3096 Days (2013) by Sherry Hormann (Desert Flower, 2009) is based on the 2010 autobiography of Natascha Maria Kampusch, the Austrian woman known for her abduction at the age of 10 back in 1998. Kampusch was held in a secret cellar by her kidnapper Wolfgang Přiklopil for more than eight years, until she escaped in 2006. The lass has gotten worldwide attention since and she's some kinda celebrity activist now, takin pics with Sri Lankan kids and whatnot.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Since the movie is based on her account of the harrowin events, we get a decent technical runaround e.g. the renovated dungeon and other physical details of the incarceration. However, while Antonia Campbell-Hughes really gives her all as Natascha and Thure Lindhardt makes a memorable villain, the little emotions are absent in this screenplay and her terrible ordeal -- one that you would expect to be riddled with desperation, reflection and total anguish -- seems as if it wasn't even a true story. Guess what? Maybe it isn't. There are plenty of documented instances where Miss Kampusch was caught lyin about the details and you can read online the many competin theories as to what really happened durin those 3096 days. See, some people think she's not so much a victim as she makes herself out to be. Apparently, she even cried when told about the fate of her abductor. All the speculation is infinitely more fascinatin than the movie proper, so do give it a Google. Read the IMDb boards, if you like. It would surely go some way towards explainin why these characters seem so one-dimensional. There simply isn't enough goin on here to convince the viewer than Natascha was bein held against her will.

"Fuck. I'm gonna miss prom night."

Perennial wonderment:

Maybe if the renowned German filmmaker and director Bernd Eichinger didn't die with his unfinished script, we'd have a better movie. After all, he did option her book and wanted Kate Winslet for Natascha, you know? Couldn't been like The Reader (2008), maybe. Anyway, this movie is apparently also based on his unfinished script.

Thirtysomething Antonia Campbell-Hughes playing a thirteen-year-old girl?
It would've been illegal to cast someone true-to-age, perhaps.

Home but never alone.

Reminds me of:

A bit of Trade (2007) and The Reader (2008) but those were well above average movies. This one's more like The Seasoning House (2012) if you're talkin about how hollow it feels.

I can't remember if I cried:

The sight of Antonia Campbell-Hughes in all her frail nakedness invites disgust and some sympathy but it's hard to invest in her character because we don't get to see what makes her tick. Some sequences in this drama approach art but somethin just ain't right with the whole setup. By the way, extended scenes of the girl in the nude do serve as one of the few ways by which we can feel some force of realism behind the turns of events, so you're pretty much completely shortchanged if you're watchin anythin less than the 1hr50min cut.

Most memorable line:

None. However I would like to mention that the dubbed British English dialogue is rather strange and off-puttin. Did they manage to go as far as they wanted to with this production idea? One reviewer I read remarked that you get Irish and Danish actors, playin Austrian people who talk with German accents.

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to be of use.

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A follow-up movie oughtta be interestin. One that disputes her version of events. It would've been a more meaningful endeavour that would've been taken seriously if little Amelia Pidgeon played the girl throughout the whole show, without an older actress supplantin her. Meanwhile, we can all watch Michael (2011) or go kidnap our own pre-pubescent chick to see for ourselves if it really is this easy to keep a girl in your cellar for 3096 days and take her out shoppin once in a while.★★
Bonus material:

So this is what Miss Kampusch does with her time these days.

The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

Deranged (2012)

Buxom Glaswegian babe Natalia Celino moved to Spain after starring in Deranged (2012).

How can you give away the killer in the poster itself?

At a glance:

Not to be confused with the Korean ecological thriller of the same name and year of release, I believe Neil Jones' rather disastrous Deranged (2012) is a very fittin title for this little vanity project by the lead Marcia Do Vales, a Brazillian actress who also produced and wrote it. If you can stand her distractin accent and classless demeanour, then you can try finishin this DVD. Other casts in this Spain-set slasher include Craig Fairbrass (Vikingdom, 2013), Victoria Broom (Zombie Women Of Satan, 2009) and the obligin Glaswegian talent Natalia Celino (Umbrage, 2009). It's about four chicks away on a bachelorette holiday at a remote country house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Let's keep it short, lest it robs me of my time twice over. It's a low-budget genre piece with a several actors who keep things respectable but the effort is completely undone by a prologue and a poster that actually reveals who the killer is, right from the outset. This wouldn't have been a big problem if it had more goin for it but unfortunately, it doesn't. UK video store owner Dave Wain wrote a great review about how none of the girls are particularly likeable, singlin out the OTT performance from Marcia Do Vales, for she goes into moments of heightened tension soundin "like a Latino cookie monster".

Perennial wonderment:

Victoria Broom & Tabitha Quitman wonder how they'll live this one down.

Where's the labret gone, Natalia?
Oh well, have fun wherever you are.

Reminds me of:

Hmm... I didn't finish watchin Donkey Punch (2008), that other movie about British sluts holidayin in Spain. 

I can't remember if I cried:

Influx Magazine's Nav Qateel nails this one: "The best performance came when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than the scene right before she drops dead, where she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder)."

Watch out for:

The very nice Natalia Celino, a Scottish bird with monstrous tits. She gives us an eyeful in one sex scene to which she really should've have agreed, but it's definitely her (you can tell from her eye of horus tatt on her right shoulder and her pierced chin). I think she used to be a stripper or somethin like that, but she's recently had another baby and just moved to Spain last month, accordin to her rather public Facebook page. Probably to escape from the shame of havin starred in this horrible movie!

"Dude, can you shine the light here a little?"

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I see other interestin titles associated with Neil Jones - The Reverend (2011) and The Seasoning House (2012). As for this one, I'd say stay the fuck away.★1/2
Bonus material:
Check out the official website and Facebook fan page while it's still up.

Hard to imagine people going to its website and downloading wallpapers, really.

This is bad angle for a chick as hot as Natalia Celino. Shame on you, DOP!

Online (2013)

Morgan Ayres & Esseri Holmes are cheating spouses in Online (2013).

At a glance:

Would you cheat on a wife as hot as Kelsey Sanders?

Temptation is just one click away, so reads the tagline for the unimaginatively titled and non-SEO-friendly Online (2013) -- brought to you by the producer of What Would Jesus Do? (2010) through the distributor Slingshot Pictures, who only do faith-based titles and whose goal is to "acquire films that have strong family values, messages of hope and are life affirming as well as spiritually enriching." Consider it due notice then, that you're readin a review on a Christian-themed feature film about temptation and infidelity on a movie blog with as many sex ads as mine. Anyway, it does look like a determined bunch of middle-class Republicans got together and shot this peculiar flick, leadin to a final product that I'll concede as technically accomplished and deservin of a place on any DVD shelf -- even if the content is terribly and laughably guilty at preachin to the choir. It starts with a pointless openin credit sequence in an Italian restaurant kitchen (what does pizza-makin achieve in mise-en-scène?), after which we're introduced to our slightly giddy leadin man John (Morgan Ayres), a happily married, newly promoted, all-round clean cut, son of a preacher man. Late one night, our upright Christian crusader turns online outlaw when he decides to join a social networkin site that reconnects him with his high school flame, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). All it takes is one extramarital kiss and bam! Little Johnny starts shakin like a leaf, worryin about his neglected wife (Kelsey Sanders), his new job, his towerin father, the risen God -- you know, all that stuff.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The Interweb - where many a virtual sin is committed !

Sold!

Secular sentiments aside, this movie really tests you with some ludicrous events and character decisions -- and I'm not referrin to people breakin into prayer. The crux of the story is the Ninth Commandment and how it's a sin to lust for another, even in your heart. On the strength of the movie title, it had the golden chance to discuss relationships in the age of technology and social networkin, which is why I endured it. However, confined to operate within its narrow, self-defined framework, we see no sex, no lust and no real reflection on anyone's part, unless you think the match cuts where our estranged couple eats separately count. Nobody even swears in this movie, not that it's a definitive measure of realism. All the characters are unlikeable, weak, two-dimensional and grossly unreal. An easy example is how the wife played by Kelsey Sanders is hotter, sexier and much more temptin than the supposed temptress played by Esseri Holmes.

Perennial wonderment:

Looking for a bit on the side...
from a pastor's son?

Which church or congregation produced this I wonder? I think the director, filmmaker Kevan Otto is an ex-cop or somethin. It's not a cheap production, you know. Although mostly indoors with some slipshod camerawork and editin, they had some pretty elaborate sequences. Anyway, can someone explain to me why all the promo keyart and visuals do not feature billings for the three main casts? I can't even see their names in the small print. Is it because they're not part of the Christian scene that's behind a project like this one?

Thanks for the comedy, Mr Herlong!

Reminds me of:
The time the old lady in Orgazmo (1997) said: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig-fuckers." Okay, well it doesn't exactly remind me of that but I do think of that scene fondly whenever I feel people come on too strong.

I can't remember if I cried:

Byron Herlong had better not quit his day job as a computer guy because his actin is outrageously hammy. He played a French character in this movie as if he went all out to make the world hate everythin and anythin French.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whoa... You mean you only cheated... IN YOUR HEART?!?!"

I quite like how the end credits rolled but your capacity to enjoy or rather, to finish this movie, would pivot on your tolerance of unapologetically didactic Christian content. If you can't even get past the first of many scenes in which a Bible verse gets quoted, then just fast forward to find out the endin. However, in doin so, you'll miss out on the bit where they manage to take a swipe at psychics. Haha. Check out its Facebook fan page for more info.★1/2
Bonus material:

"O Lord! Show me the way to a better casting agent!"

Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.