Hana (2006) @ 花よりもなほ

"I don't wanna be a samurai. I just wanna have sex all day."

At a glance:

There are quite a few Japanese movie titles which start with "hana" (meanin "flower") and some of these simply get the short title when they reach other countries. It was tough to tell them all apart but this isn't the murder mystery I thought I was gonna watch! Somewhere in pathetic, rural Edo (old Tokyo) a few hundred years ago, a travellin samurai (Junichi Okada) stays in decrepit conditions as he struggles to locate his father's killer. Life however, is never that easy because nobody will give him respect until he performs that sacred task, except perhaps the hot widow-next-door, Osae (Rie Miyazawa) and his young son. As time goes by, the contemplative samurai discovers that the ancient codes seem to be a hindrance on the way by which he really wants to live his life.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"We have come to kill the LGBT community
that threatens our values!"

This movie is directed by Hirokazu Koreeda who is well-known for his morbid themes of death and loss - yet the movie explores these with the most annoyin lack of attention and sobriety. Although I have only read about his impressive line of movies, they certainly promise some hard-hittin drama. Did I miss the point, or does this movie simplu not translate well to foreign audiences?

I can't remember if I cried:

I wasn't kiddin about this bein
a lazy Sunday afternoon movie.

It's obvious the film isn't meant to be a silly farce but much of the story has been muddled by unhelpful sidetrackin and an excess of dialogue - or is it an excess of subtitles? This is definitely not your average samurai movie, what with its black humour and light overtones. The subject matter of the redundant samurai is sufficiently discussed but lacks any sort of cinematic impact for it to retain resonance. The 'boyband' samurai actor just couldn't carry any real pain or guilt in his performance. Also, too much of our attention is diverted to the village idiot, the lover of the landlord's wife and also other bit-part characters which gives the movie an episodic, lazy afternoon viewin feel.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

 Despite its rich historical and cultural details e.g. the (literally) shitty 17th century outhouse, the village plays and also a subplot on the famous 47-ronin story, this movie projects a stubborn lack of urgency. The directional kamikaze is finally committed when a dissatisfyin, all-too-pleasant endin was served.★★

Gerimis Mengundang (2012)

"Aha! Now the boys will believe I had me some Danish pastry."

At a glance:

Boy is this piss poor movie. The title Gerimis Mengundang (Malay literal: "drizzle invites"), also a theatre play earlier in the year, is a nod to the '96 hit ballad from Malay rock band SLAM (not coincidentally, the lead character is named Zamani after the band's frontman). Story? Indonesian ambassador's daughter nearly decapitates Sabah Air pilot in a Kota Kinabalu jet ski mishap but obviously romance must blossom, stretchin the requisite 90-minute runtime.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Managin a meagre RM 220,000 at the Malaysian screens accordin to the FINAS jokers, this is likely the worst Malay movie I've survived since 2 Alam (2010) and I do feel sorry for its scribe Azwan Annuar, a nice guy whom I know. It plays out like an encyclopaedia of moviemakin errors for film students to take note of. Its amateurish editin, invasive music score and total disregard for a need of Act I, Act II etc. are horrific, but nothin is more terrifyin than the completely non-existent chemistry between the two leads, which trumps even the travesty of Joey Exist and Julie Ziegler in Toyol Nakal (2011) accordin to one review. There is no reason to believe they love each other, hate each other or even have met each other - maybe they shot them separately with a green screen!

"Fuck me, I can't believe I'm wearing the ugliest jacket in the world for this movie."

Perennial wonderment:

Henny Yuliani and Dhitra Marfie,
who looks like my friend, Kurt.

Why do they bother with these collaborations? Are there tax reasons? Silly serumpun sentiments? Add this entry to the recent spate of Malaysian films with strong Indonesian input: Christine Hakim, Dian Sastro and Slamet Rahardjo in Puteri Gunung Ledang (2004), Teuku Zacky in Kayangan (2007), Tamara Bleszyński in Cicakman 2 (2008), Samuel Rizal in the appallin Sayang (You Can Dance) (2009), Revalina Temat in Cintaku Forever (2007) and not to mention other suspect movies like Diva (2007) and Tipu Kanan, Tipu Kiri (2008).

Reminds me of:

It's got a scene or two at the Sutera Harbour Resort, a beautiful place I once stayed.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hmm. I wonder what this button does..."

After you've forgiven Kamal Adli for the ugly black jacket he wears in the movie and his longtime real-life model girlfriend Intan Ladyana for not givin him much wardrobe sense, let's get to his actin. He had publicly admitted he was out of his depth for the theatre adaptation so I'm afraid how bad that must've been because in this movie, he's pretty rubbish. To think this Aku Ada Kau Ada (2012) actor was even Pelakon Harapan nominee sometime ago for his role in Niyang Rapik (2010). He's all over the place here, with a comically illogical character arc that leaves us gigglin each time. There's even a scene of him cartwheelin across vege stalls while chasin a thief in Kota Kinabalu's Filipino Market. O my days, who should be shot - the action director or Kamal Adli?

Olivia Jensen: Decked in sinuangga and tapi,
Kadazan gear never had a hotter, whiter model.

Watch out for:

Olivia Lubis Jensen, the Copenhagen-born, 19-year-old lolita of Danish-Indonesian descent. She put in a remarkably mature contribution and provided the only reason to finish the film, if you could manage it. Decked in sinuangga and tapi, Kadazan gear probably never had a hotter, whiter model. She's also the only Indonesian in here without the unnatural, overclear baku that plagues the other performances.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Like Indonesian reviewer Daniel Irawan, I think this is a technical disaster of love story template that may have served more as diplomatic downtime between the two squabblin nations. And like my colleague Fadli over at Tontonfilem, I too found Olivia Jensen's snow white thighs to be the sole consolatory highlight of this otherwise putrid film. ★
Bonus material:

See what I mean. Were they even in the same movie?
No chemistry whatsoever.

The Skeptic (2009) @ The Haunting of Bryan Becket

At a glance:

"Is it so wrong to believe that
the Malaysian PM is innocent?"

You have every reason to doubt this telemovie that didn't quite make the big waves TV commercial director Tennison Bardwell wanted it to, despite first spawnin the idea as early as in the 80s. The Skeptic another haunted house exercise but with a decidedly strong focus on the titular lead, upon which the movie's credibility rests. Unfeelin workaholic lawyer Bryan Becket (Tim Daly) is a doubtin Thomas who moves into his late aunt's reputedly haunted Victorian mansion after her death, much to the displeasure of his wife (Andrea Roth) and his partner (Tom Arnold). Naturally, the spookfest begins and ghostbusters are consulted - a scientist (Bruce Altman), a psychiatrist (Edward Herrmann), a priest (Robert Prosky) and even a young psychic (Zoe Saldana). The psychic points out to Bryan that it has somethin to do with his childhood memories.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"You heard whispering sounds,
and presuming that they must be human,
your brain strove to put speech to them.
It's called psycho-acoustics."

With hardly any special effects, the burden of suspense rests squarely on Tim Daly's exasperated character; and the actor does give it all. However, the Sceptic vs Believer elements are a little overstated by the filmmaker, as if tryin too hard to make a ghost movie for adults. This strangely brings about an air of unintended humour to the proceedings but to no good effect. Slant Magazine's Fernando F. Croce points out that Bryan's scenes with his partner (Tom Arnold) and priest (Robert Prosky) have comic and poignant energy, but for the most part the film awkwardly suggests Poltergeist (1982) as a 12-step self-help programme.

Perennial wonderment:

"I see dead careers."

I find movies with such titles irresistible. Here are some if you care for more: The Possession Of Gail Bowers (2006), The Disappearance of Alice Creed (2009), The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (2008), The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010), The Possession Of David O'Reilly (2010).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Some interestin moments and a committed though not particularly compellin performance from the cast. You will finish the film, at least. Popmatter's Cynthia Fuchs put it best: "Inane as any other insight offered up in The Skeptic, at least it acknowledges the fundamental metaphor of every haunted house movie ever made. And now, we can all go home."  ★★ 1/2

Bonus material:

"So father, did you manage to find my career in here somewhere?"

Rock Of Ages (2012)

At a glance:

Never seen the Broadway act but in the hands of the very gay Hairspray director Adam Shankman, Rock Of Ages became a full-on camp musical, sorta like New Line Cinema's feature-length Glee for homosexual, hair metal has-beens. Must've been watchin all the wrong trailers because I thought it was Rock Star (2001) with just a smatterin of Burlesque (2010). The chosen material is actually not so much glam as it is rock ballad staples like Poison, Foreigner, Journey and Def Leppard. I'm such a sellout. I enjoyed it. The story? Well, the year is 1987 and we follow starry-eyed Sherrie (Julianne Hough, Footloose, 2011), who arrives in Hollywood and meets rock wannabe Drew (lead role upstart Diego Boneta) in the Bourbon Room, a monumental community center for sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

"Hey do you mind if I join a boy band?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

The two leads have a shaky start but wore less clothes, got more comfortable and generally got better as the show progressed, although this might remind you of the Piper Perabo-Adam Garcia romance in Coyote Ugly (2000) a little too much. Don't quite care for Russell Brand, who was too conscious of himself but even he got better. Not happy with Mary J. Blige in a token black presence but this was included, as well as a lot of unconvincin emotional downtime.

Perennial wonderment:

Tom Cruise may well be a seriously weird guy in real life with that Scientology shyte but he's really got presence when it comes to movies. Here, he seems to be truly enjoyin himself as the spectacle that is the incoherent, sex-dripped rock god Stacee Jaxx, modelled after Keith Richards, Axl Rose and Jim Morrison, says the director. Caked in makeup like one of the unholy reincarnations from his Lestat character in Interview With The Vampire (1994), his signature move involves placin one hand on a woman's bosom and talkin about risin phoenixes (?) as he stares them down into helpless submission, not that I imagine we can use this trick today in some downtown bar. Co-star Malin Åkerman (Watchmen, 2009) gets quite a romp with him as his reluctant love interest Constance Sack (what a name!) and you can read in interviews how she only has pure adulation for him. Cruise reportedly sang his own songs (all the cast members did too, it seems) but I'm not part of the consensus that says he aced it. The unforgivably clean, poster boy rendition of Bon Jovi's cowboy classic Wanted Dead Or Alive had my eyes rollin - but damn did it look good in the trailer!

Most memorable number:

My favourite item!

Catherine Zeta-Jones rendition of Pat Benatar's 1979 gem Hit Me With Your Best Shot does it for me. All that high-kickin, shoulder-turnin action really got me goin. Additionally, I read that there's a strip dance to the Scorpions' Rock You Like A Hurricane in a scene between Stacee and Sherrie that was left on the cuttin room floor but will feature in the DVD.

Malin Akerman

Watch out for:
Cameos by Extreme's Nuno Bettencourt, REO Speedwago's Kevin Cronin, Skid Row's Sebastian Bach and even 80s darlin Debbie Gibson, though I can't bloody spot her. Also, this movie also contains the most FUBAR gay kiss in recent times. Watch it to find out who and who. By the way, here's Warner's official website for Rock Of Ages if you wanna check it out.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Clockin some 122 minutes, Rock Of Ages still felt terribly fluffy and fleetin to me. Reviewer Peter Howell notes that as he demonstrated with the early 1960s homage Hairspray, Shankman is really only interested in how his films look, sound and feel, not whether they actually say anythin - his mantra is the three Cs: colourful, cute and campy. However, it is a movie that knows what it is and it'll always be hard to hate. What can you do but rock on? ★★★
Bonus material:

For my video on how to disgust Joan Jett, check this out.
Photo taken 18 May 2012, AMC Yonge & Dundas, Toronto.

They Wait (2007) @ Demon Days

At a glance:

Female ghost with strange black, inky arms.

Here's more on the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival. They Wait (2007) was a Canadian horror flick that most dismissed as a silly piece of work, produced by the overwhelmingly unpopular Uwe Boll and directed by Ernie Barbarash (Assassination Games, 2011) but I'd like to think the story and screenplay by Trevor Markwart is actually quite solid and intriguin, though the finished product of course, stumbles here and there. Look away now if you don't wanna read a spoiler: besides playin out a mystery that traces back to maligned sweatshop immigrants, it also skims over a topic I don't think any horror movie has ever covered before - inhumane bear farmin! We follow a married inter-racial couple (coincidentally I just watched another Chinese-Caucasian pairin in Seventh Moon last night) as they return to Vancouver for an uncle's funeral after six years abroad in Shanghai. Just as you would expect, it's open season for them starved spirits and their son Sammy (Regan Oey) starts to be able to see them like a Chinese Haley Joel Osment, subsequently fallin prey to one particular mysterious spectre, a female ghost with strange black, inky arms. Sarah (Jaime King) and Jason (Terry Chen) must figure out just what they want before dawn, when the realm of the dead would close up and the kid will be lost forever.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Terry Chen
- what an annoyin actor!

Well, the heart of the mystery is unusual and definitely not cliched but the eerie buildup is undone by some cartoonish CG work, made worse by Terry Chen (The A-Team, 2010) in a superfluous role as the nobody dad. Poor guy was probably miscast because they movie doesn't need him at all. He took too much attention away from Jaime King (Mother's Day, 2011) and made the pair look trivial. I also have a problem with the castin of the kid, whose "Eurasian attributes" go as far as havin dyed brown hair. Come on guys, get real!

Bitter, bitter.
Cured my fever?

Perennial wonderment:

Does bear bile really work? God knows I had a lot as a child. They were nasty. I hope one day the trade will stop. For further readin on the bear bile trade and just how torturous it is for our ursine friends, check out a Facebook fan page or two because that's what people do these days.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005).

Watch out for:

Shaw Bros wuxia vet Cheng Pei Pei (Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun-Li, 2009) plays the annoyin aunt with some literal skeletons in the closet. Great to see the golden oldies still gettin work.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★★ 1/2 for the story.

Shaw Brothers wuxia vet Cheng Pei-Pei.

Seventh Moon (2008)

At a glance:

Burning effigies:
A multi-million dollar industry.

I've decided to revisit some of the more recent films about the Hungry Ghost Festival, the calendar staple that lends such a rich source for ghost stories when I was growin up. This American horror indie would've disappeared under the radar, if it were not written and directed by Blair Witch Project (1999) mastermind Eduardo Sánchez and had the dirty star appeal of Amy Smart in the lead. Seventh Moon is based on the Chinese legend that on the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of Hell open and the Dead can enter the realm of the Livin. Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul (Tim Chiou), Americans on a honeymoon in China, end up lost in a remote village, thanks to nervous taxi driver Ping (Dennis Chan).

Bad news on the doorstep:

Horror movie pre-requisite:
Doin what you're not supposed to. Without backup.

The burnt offerings may be lost on Western viewers but for anyone comin from this part of the world, it's pretty creepy stuff - although Eduardo Sánchez seems to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and turned this into a monster movie by the third act. Many critics have lamented on the decision to overuse the shaky cam technique here, a favourite for the director. I believe that the excessive quick cuts and only half-seein the obviously obscured "ghosts" took some of the spook out of what was set to be a fairly creepy effort.

Perennial wonderment:

Amy Smart:
I'm sexy but do they know it?

Why can't Amy Smart make it like Blake Lively? I remember her vaguely in early films like Varsity Blues (1999) and Road Trip (2000) but it was in The Butterfly Effect (1994) opposite Ashton Kutcher that I thought she was really gonna make it. After the two Crank movies, I don't think she has anythin substantial lined up on her CV. What a waste. I always look forward to her gettin her kit off.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005) and Herman Yau's The First 7th Night (2009).

Watch out for:

Dennis Chan Kwok San 陈国新 as the cabbie Ping. Nice to see some old hands still findin work. The man has worked in the Hong Kong film and television industry as a producer, director and actor for more than 30 years, perhaps best known to Western audiences for his work in Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer franchise. His latest appearance on the big screen was a cameo in Andy Lau's box office gem A Simple  Life (2011) @ Sister Peach.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
The two leads do their best and give us some reason to care for them but the supernatural elements grew tiresome. DVD Active's Gabriel Powers notes that the climax is so similar to The Descent (2005) that Neil Marshall should call his lawyers. For further info, visit the Seventh Moon official site, which is oddly still up today. ★★
Bonus material:

For the unitiated, this is what every Chinese production does before shootin and not just those that concern ghosts.

Brave (2012) @ The Bear And The Bow

"I'm Pixar's first princess and I'm goin ta skelp ye wee behind!"

At a glance:

Here is where we meet and discuss how we were seduced by that awesome trailer. Did you know its previous title was The Bear And The Bow? Anyway, it's Pixar's first female protag and Disney's first redhead heroine since Ariel in The Little Mermaid (1989). She's not an annoyin Princess Nobody like in Tangled (2010) either. She's spunky, she's Scottish and she can shoot the moustache off an ant. The stage is all set for Princess Merida (Kelly MacDonald) to light this story on fire and give us even more of the kind of feudal fun we had with contemporaries like How To Train Your Dragon (2010).

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Dinnae ye ken, our movie kinda sucks
so don't be a wee clipe!"

It starts like a Scottish Mulan (1998), then careens off into some kinda magic bear Shrek story. Watchin Brave (2012) is like watchin two movies waitin to happen; and both never does. Perhaps the mixed proceedings had somethin to do with there bein two directors to finish off the movie. In any case, Hollywood Reporter's Todd McCarthy was spot on, that the film "diminishes into a rather wee thing as it chugs along, with climactic drama that is both too conveniently wrapped up and hinges on magical elements that are somewhat confusing to boot." It was an awkward journey because the heart of the story goes missin midway and the audience is left unsure what to do with the emotional downtime that is spread all over the place. Pixar's 13th will go down with poor Princess Merida as a failed fairy tale.
Perennial wonderment:

"Yes, Scotttish girls shave. Next question, please."

What were the creative disagreements that caused this movie to have two directors? Pixar's first female helmer Brenda Chapman (The Prince Of Egypt, 1998) was replaced by Mark Andrews; and along with it some 80% of scenes in the snow, I understand. 

Reminds me of:

Every time I hear Kelly MacDonald's voice, it takes me back to Trainspotting (1996), the time she gives Ewan McGregor so much lip outside the club, before gettin into the taxi and goin home with him to indulge in a spot of statutory rape.

I can't remember if I cried:

This is the first film to be released with the so-called Dolby Atmos sound format, developed by Dolby to reproduce more "natural and lifelike" sounds. Unless that means it's bloody difficult to hear a damned thing in the woods, then I have no clue what it is. I watched this at an advance screenin in Hall 7 of Famous Players Coliseum, Mississauga, where they really need to upgrade the system!

Should've been more on the will-o'-the-wisp / jack-o-lantern.
Reminds me of The Secret Of Kells (2009).

Most memorable line:

None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Well this certainly isn't WALL·E (2008). Didn't need to be in 3D either. Wasted all that good Celtic music in an underwhelmin product. I'm not sure what the end credit bonus scene was but I don't think I'm missin much. Console yourself instead with the fact that you watched Enrico Casarosa's neat little short La Luna (2011) in the beginnin. As Variety's Peter Debruge points out, it added seven minutes to the runnin time of Pixar's shortest feature since Monsters, Inc (2001). Verily, it covered too much about too many, in too little time. ★★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Check out the Brave Facebook fan page today.

People Like Us (2012)

"You're all wonderin whether I fuck my brother in this movie, right?"

At a glance:

Dreamworks together with longtime producer Alex Kurtzman on his directorial debut have come up with a fairly refreshin model of PG-13 rom-com in the winsome, LA-set People Like Us (previously titled Welcome To People), so it's a bit of a bum note if you, like me, suffered a generous, over-informative trailer. We know it's apparently loosely based on his life but did we have to get that much of a look-in? One should only know, walkin into this movie, that it's about a motor-mouthed strugglin salesman named Sam (Chris Pine, Star Trek, 2009), who learns that his estranged music producer dad has died and must now decide whether to fulfill his late father's wishes of passin $150,000 to his hitherto unknown sister Frankie (Elizabeth Banks, Man On A Ledge, 2012), an alkie mum with a troublemakin young son (Michael Hall D'Addario). Worry not - any chance of veerin into incestuous territory was snuffed out in about two seconds, much to the relief of the excitable zaftig woman a few rows in front of me who was heard shoutin "No, don't!"

Yep, I would.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Hmm... maybe another round of editin could've picked up the pace a little near the end. Also, Chris Pine is guilty of over-actin in patches.

Perennial wonderment:

Elizabeth Banks is doin super these days, isn't she? It feels like only yesterday she was in Zack And Miri Make A Porno (2008) with Seth Rogen. Reminds me of a younger Maria Bello. I believe she's the kind of actress Kristen Stewart can learn to be. Anyway, there's a notable turn in here from Michelle Pfeiffer who's still in the game, as it seems, playin the embittered mum. What a national treasure, she is. She had a small role in Dark Shadows recently, didn't she? I dislike Anne Hathaway for Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises so much, I'd rather Michelle whip out that old black latex and show her how it's done right. 

Michelle Pfeiffer, dignified as ever.

Reminds me of:

Well this is nothin like it - but the last time I saw any movie with improper brother-sister conduct was Charlotte Gainsbourg in The Cement Garden (1993). That was an infinitely more unsettlin movie.

I can't remember if I cried:

No I didn't cry but the endin is a winner. Satisfyin stuff, elevatin this from decent counter-programmin filler to memorable date movie.

Most memorable line:

"Don't steal from a record store. That's like kicking a dead man." But it's the kid who's the scene stealer, though. His gems include "But it's like milk and vegetables!" when asked to defend eatin cheese and onion crisps before dinner.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Quite a personal family drama, with nuggets of lovely detail. Likeable, sharp dialogue. More than adequately scored by Bollywood maestro A.R. Rahman. ★★★ 1/2
Bonus material:
Here are photos that were mountin an incestuous relationship that never was. Phew!