Mukhsin (2006)

At a glance:
The quieter of her works, Mukhsin is a sun-bleached testament to the late advertisin icon Yasmin Ahmad's talent for the structured, substantial and quaintly inspirin but ultimately indulgent, didactic and unreflective. Movie is a muted countryside love story between two kids - one a tomboy tree-climber of a girl and the other, the titular character, a boy who just moved into the area.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Why don't I like it? I hate almost every character. I'll beat them all up if I had the chance.
Watch out for:
A prayer scene containin a Koranic extract, used to highlight and condemn the bitchin and the provincial mentality of the antagonists in the movie. Thought this was a little too Yasmin for me.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I'll go for ★★ 1/2 but I really could hate this movie a lot more. There's a reason why most of Yasmin's detractors are what I regard as the fundamentalist Malays and why her work manages to win over young Chinese and Indian audiences who never watch Malaysian movies. It's because her characters are all social tools to fuck the status quo. Her content is really mengada-ngada incendiary sometimes. Oh well, rest in peace anyway.

Taxi Hunter (1993) @ 的士判官

At a glance:
Decent CAT II Herman Yau exploitation flick about mild-mannered office guy (played by his favourite actor Anthony Wong, pic) whose pregnant wife dies due to a bastard taxi driver. He turns into a nutjob and goes all out to eliminate all shortchangin, overchargin, non-complyin taximen. Apparently inspired by a real taxi strike in Hong Kong.
Perennial wonderment:
How the beautiful (well maybe not so much pre-ops) Athena Chu and the Ambassador of Ugly Mr. Ng Man Tat can play father and daughter in a movie. Rank.
Reminds me of:
The highly effective Michael Douglas-starrer Falling Down, also about a troubled anti-hero who goes off the handle. Just look at the poster. Released in the same year even. Also, the other Herman Yau-Anthony Wong classic Ebola Syndrome, an exceedingly exploitative and enjoyable CAT III feature usin the same stressed-good-guy-goes-nuts formula.
Watch out for:
The pregnant wife freak accident scene. Gilababi.
Most memorable line:
You are also a good whore.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?The second layer to this story is how the deranged cabbie killer remains a nice guy in every other way thoughout the movie. Give Herman ★★★1/2 for such an entertainin watch despite it not bein a CAT III. Wotta man.

Clubbed (2008)

"Stick it up your ma."

At a glance:
Autobiopic vehicle for Geoff Thompson, the Coventry hard man who went from club doorman to writer, martial arts teacher, motivator, talk giver and DVD seller. Pretty impressive marketin campaign for such a modest project. Movie is based on his book Watch My Back.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Loved the 80s settin but nahh this is one movie that's really into itself. Danny (Crispin Clover lookalike Mel Raido) makes me laugh out loud when he gets into the whole I-must-read-Sun Tzu phase. To be a Midlands doorman in those days must be tough but this movie is more like family drama with lots of inelegant digressions, includin Rambo trainin moments.
Perennial wonderment:

Geoff Thompson

Party... like it's 1980.

Why Northerners never make good gangster flicks. Alright, this one ain't a gangster flick per se but the embarrassin aspirations for larger-than-life realism or profundity is showin... and shockin.
Reminds me of:
Some pathetic West Yorkshiremen I used to know. Always short on fuse, money and action.
Watch out for:
Danny havin a go at some inbred fat fucks with a brick in front of his kids - topless, shoutin and swearin. Raw. Speakin of raw, the FX on a beat up rasta's face is pretty awesome. The whole socket area was swollen and the eye looked as slim as a cunt slit.
Most memorable line:
Fukkin Zorro. Ha.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
You could do a lot worse. For a bit of variety, I guess.★★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Michelle Marsh plays Skank's girlfriend, Babs.
This photo is apparently from an event in Leicester Square, U.K.

Diary Of A Sex Addict (2008) @ Diario De Una Ninfómana

At a glance:

Belén Fabra

Adapted from a sexy Euro chicklit book, Diario De Una Ninfómana (2008) is a 95-min story about a French lass who was fuckin any hard cock in Spain before fuckin an Italian/French cock who was to be her future boss. Havin been dumped too many times by too many fuck buddies, she falls in love and marries the cunt while he in turn abuses her to the brink of suicide. She responds by joinin a brothel. Is this a joke movie or what?
Bad news on the doorstep:
All the wrong ways of doin erotica is exhibited in this well-shot but totally misconceived piece. Contrived, self-important borgeouis bullshit. The 'redemption' music at the end is hilarious. This bit about a wheelchair-bound whoremonger is ridiculous and forced. Titless Belén Fabra (pic) who plays the nympho protagonist ain't even that hot to begin with.
Perennial wonderment:
How shitass films like these get greenlighted.
Reminds me of:

I give, you take.

Reckless cockass crapass bitchass nympho bitches I know who never admit they like sex as much as they do. Ironically, the stupidity of the main character's monologues help compound this fact, leadin me to the conclusion that girls genuinely really don't have the foggiest about how stupid they sound when they come up with these lines about how sex isn't everythin. Balls.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mediocre ★★ for the effort. Wanna watch a really genuine and decent movie about sex addiction? Try I Am A Sex Addict (2005) instead.

Bonus material:

Women who only have themselves to blame.

Messengers 2: The Scarecrow (2009)

At a glance:
Heard the 2007 Pang Bros predecessor The Messengers sucked big time - so how much worse can this one can be? It's straight-to-video, a supposed prequel that chronicles the summonin of a scarecrow that is able to give some toyol-like advantages to its master.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's excruciatingly slow and I'd reckon the white pus from the walls of my diseased tonsils will sooner burst than somethin excitin actually happenin. Although it's R-rated, a lot more sex (with Amanda Holt playin the teenage daughter - incestuous, preferably) should've been part of the story. A lot of early mystery but not enough to sustain pace. Hot cast not present either, although this Norman Reedus (pic) who plays lead scarecrow sucker John Rollins does have a face with some intrigue.
Reminds me of:
Those old Children Of The Corn movies and that little-known, small town, crazed-Christian story, Frailty.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Disappointin - you're not gonna miss anythin.

It's A Free World... (2007)

At a glance:
Introducin spunky Kierston Wareing (pic) as the sexy anti-soccermom with a bad dye-job and a moral dilemma on being Britain's equivalent of a mid-tier snakehead, master director Ken Loach continues his illustrious catalogue of socialist films with It's A Free World..., the title itself already mockin globalisation, commercialism and the ugly shortcomings of the free market.

Kierston Wareing

Bad news on the doorstep:
Even as England grows increasingly unhappy with the Polish influx of illegal workers (sometimes legal) or any other alien Turk, Algerian or Lithuanian for that matter; she scarcely needs the oft-called defector director to produce yet another critical piece of film literature about her problems. However, as even his toughest critics may attest, he does bring a great deal to the table in terms of purposeful and solid didactic filmmakin.
Reminds me of:
The door factory I once worked at.
Most memorable line:
As the woman is asked "Is your son better than mine?" by vengeful and desperate workers who are wronged by the system (or at least, her system), audiences should find that Ken Loach has not lost his basic edge in invitin self-question. Social realist cinema still needs Loach, as he pulls off yet another anti-climax, forcin us to understand that his movies never end cinematically because real life doesn't follow cinema logic.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Doesn't pack as much cinematic punch as say, The Wind That Shakes The Barley (2006) or his celebrated masterpiece Kes (1969), which this writer concedes admirin unapologetically. It's decidedly less poignant, perhaps due to the rougher and less romantic nature of today's socio-economic problems compared to those days. For an old man however, he sure does know how to keep up with the times. ★★★

Tiren: Mati Kemaren (2008)

At a glance:
Directed by an old-time erotica auteur, Tiren has got absolutely nothin to do with whatever that is goin on in the poster and drags you through 90 minutes of nothin for a plot, while showcasin lots of sexy underwear and pocong. There are probably twenty reasons not to watch it but there are only two to; one is for the ridiculous pervo jokes cracked by some comedians in a few disjointed sketches (which are, admittedly, quite funny) and two is for the dangdut sensation that is Dewi Perssik (pic), an Indonesian testament to the saleable commodity that is sex.
Bad news on the doorstep:
If you really do enjoy watching her coveted lady lumps (a particularly crude opening involves peein behind a grave to tease a man), then slap yourself twice and send yourself to the nearest cinema -but do so for that reason and that reason alone. The purported mystery surroundin dead girl Ranti (Dewi Perssik), her ex Leo (Renee The) and his new girl Maya (Deriell Jacqueline) is simply hocus-pocus lazy storytellin based on a lot of suggested sex and half-hearted mysticism. Tiren is a new low - one of the most frustratin movies to have come out from Indonesia for a while now, outdoin other decidedly rubbish productions that one can somehow find a heart not to hate.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It remains that Rudi Soedjarwo and Monti Tiwa are the only two notable arts men who know how to combine silly comedy and even sillier horror for good entertainment. Director Emil G. Hampp was here busy sexperimentin with matching bras and panties for his big-bosomed stars, while completely forgettin the basic aspects of decent moviemakin. Tiren is grossly inadequate, just like Deriell Jacqueline's nightie.

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

At a glance:Faster, sexier and crazier than the 2006 first, the cartoonish Jason Statham (pic) in this modern day exploitation flick sure is remininscent of the crazed goalkeeper he played in Mean Machine with Vinnie Jones. He does all manner of bizarre things to get himself excited, includin fuckin in the dirt on a horse racetrack and wearin an electric dog collar. He beats up people and gets beaten up just as often. He spends the whole movie escapin a loony whore (an unmistakably trashy Bai Ling) and rescuin his stripper girlfriend (Amy Smart from The Butterfly Effect). What's there not to like about this movie? There's even that guy (Efren Ramirez) with a condition called Full Body Tourette's Syndrome!
Bad news on the doorstep:
Some racial stereotypin will anger a few minorities but everythin is forgivable when you know it's an exploitation movie from the outset.
Perennial wonderment:
Can Amy Smart (pic) act? I can't be sure.
Reminds me of:Stone Island jackets. I wish the climate permitted.
Watch out for:
Pornstars Ron Jeremy, Jenna Haze and Lexington Steele. You can also catch a cameo by the late David Carradine, in case the unreleased movies he completed before he died earlier this year don't make it into distribution.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?I'll go for three and half stars. How many movies have an official website that makes you type a cuss word before it lets you in?

Public Enemies (2009)

"What does zit mean, zis word, moll, Johnny?"

At a glance:
Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard in the same movie? It's a biopic about a violent Depression Era gangster? Bring it on!
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's a 140-minute struggle to care about a bank robber who, although played with some measure of suave and swagger by the chameleonic Johnny Depp (check out the pickup lines he gets!) it suffers from an uneven, peculiar narrative style. We just can't couldn't give a toss about John Dillinger - whom musta been helluva more interestin than this damn movie. Hell if it didn't finish strong, I might even have hated it. On the whole, it just seems like a whole lot of A-list stars just decided to appear in a B-grade flick. Michael Mann - why laa?
Perennial wonderment:
Of whether Marion Cotillard can finally go Hollywood has been solved! Yay. Her English comes off odd, though.
Reminds me of:
The Untouchables (1987) and Lonely Hearts (2006). Hell if they made it just a little goofier, I wouldda thought of Bugsy Malone (1976).
Watch out for:

The bedroom scenes between Cotillard and Depp and tell me how they were because I sure as hell didn't see me none at TGV Bukit Tinggi in Klang where I caught this. I'm surprised this movie even made it to Malaysia.
Most memorable line:
The one about his favourite things in life.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
A gangster movie has either gotta have lotsa class or lotsa intensity - this one has neither. Will see if I can get the 1991 TV film Dillinger (or even better the 1973 one) and see if they're any better. This movie didn't teach us too many things, except that Billy Crudup, who was Dr Manhattan in Watchmen (2009), does a good J. Edgar Hoover impersonation. Aah... who's gonna make the next L.A. Confidential (1997)? ★★★

Two Syllables Behind (2005) @ O Dve Slabiky Pozadu

"How do you subtitle cheongsam into Slovak, gramps?"

At a glance:
Offbeat and quaint, this Slovak sleep-o-rama sure is less intriguin than how the title makes it out to be. In O Dve Slabiky Pozadu, this Zuzana Sulajová chick (pic) plays dubbin actress Zuzi (they call it a voice talent these days, don't they) who is young, hedonistic and promiscuous. Fiercely independent, she goes through men as fast as her studio lines because she doesn't really know what she wants. Her Hungarian grandmother Erzsebet has a clue or two, bein the know-it-all she is. Conversations between the two women must be rich – but these are lost in the flashes of lazy subtitlin. You find yourselves driftin in and out of the movie at various points of interest. These would include the bizarre Mandarin-speakin, China-obsessed boyfriend of Zuzi  and the comedy that comes with his character; and the parts where Zuzi is in the studio, sayin her lines with such delightful expertise.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Do you know what are marha, bazmeg, lelkek and cholent? Neither do I. That's why subtitlin is done for movies. However, it befuddles the human mind no end that the English subtitles for this movie come interlaced with so many words that don't get translated. Worse, it makes too many references to its local cultural elements - like TV programmes and traditional dishes that only a Slovak would know. That in turn makes this review either grossly ignorant or plainly descriptive as best.
Reminds me of:
The time I watched this in a private screenin room ALONE at GSC's HQ in Kelana Jaya. What a muppet.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This movie doesn't travel. How the fuck did it end up with any sort of distribution is a wonder. Goin back to the movie title, it's a play on the heroine's fumblin in the studio and her general discontent in life. She finds herself two syllables behind in her timin despite her concentration – much like how she finds herself always unhappy with things despite the effort she puts in. In the same manner, Two Syllables Behind feels very unrewardin, especially if you are readin too hard for somethin that just isn't there. Worse, one feels that it is there – only in the Slovakian subtleties that frustrate us. Why the fuck did I bother writin this review? ★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Katarína Sulajová & Zuzana Sulajová

The Haunting In Connecticut (2009)

At a glance:
Supernatural horror of an alleged true story in the 80s, led by Virginia Madsen, starrin some pasty-faced teen from TV (known for Smallville I think) and gigi jongang Amanda Crew from Sex Drive. Some interestin visuals. Story about a cancer kid and his family who moves into a house with a history bla bla bla. Sound poster, though.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Quickly deterioratin after the half hour mark when sharp, loud noises started tryin to drown out the poor, uninspired story. A waste really - it has all the horror elements that could've made it a more interestin and endurin watch. I also read that the true story from which it is based wasn't too much of a sensation either.
Perennial wonderment:
How many ways can you spin a haunted house story?
Reminds me of:
Donny Darko because of that ectoplasm shyte. Would love to see me some of that. My mate's dad is a medium - I should ask him if he's seen such cinematic discharges before. It really is an arrestin sight.
Watch out for:
The scenes from the past. Interestin but came too late.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Disappointin two and a half but hope may lie in the supposed several versions that are out there. Still, don't think it would've made much difference unless there's really a lot more meat to the connectin story.

Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (2009)

At a glance:
Err... I didn't watch the first two - consider that your disclaimer. These cartoony things don't quite cut it for me. For miserable old bastards like this writer, watchin a three-minute sequence of a sloth named Sid (can't believe he's voiced by John Leguizamo) slide down a snow-capped mountain chasin dino eggs isn't good cinema time. Did laugh at the names of the eggs though. Fuck. Have I got a heart? Egbert, Shelly and Yoko - cracks me up every time. Seriously though, Fox has done all they can with this franchise. Time to move on and just do some VHS spinoffs from now on, ok?
Perennial wonderment:
When is the next time they're gonna make somethin as sharp as The Incredibles? The Wall-E stuff was pretty damn close though.
Reminds me of:
Movie Carnival 2008 in Malaysia - or was it 2007? I fondled Scrat cause I knew a girl was inside the costume.
Watch out for:
New character I understand wasn't in the first two movies - Buck, a loony British weasel voiced unmistakably by that cartoon of a man, Simon Pegg. It provided a little semblance of tangible human drama.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's fair to say that Scrat and Scratte in the brilliant Hindi movie sequence you saw in the trailer turned out to be the best part of the movie after all. Wish I knew what an acorn feels like.