Conan The Barbarian (2011)

At a glance:

Rose McGowan plays Marique.

Featurin a relatively unknown cast of pro bodybuilders, the camp classic Conan The Barbarian was released in 1982 and launched the actin career of a certain Arnold Schwarzenegger into international superstardom. Today, Robert Howard's celebrated Cimmerian character lives again through TV's Baywatch Hawaii star Jason Momoa - though the result is Texas Chainsaw Massacre director Marcus Nispel's unfortunate mix of sword-and-sandals with obscene gore - all in the name of violent cinematic fun. They do look pretty damned good though. For those not fascinated by Momoa's carefully chiselled naked butt in the bedroom scenes, the eye candies are Rachel Nichols, pic (Amityville Horror, 2005) and Rose McGowan (Grindhouse, 2007) but they don't do too much. The whole movie has a 'drunken tavern' production design with muddy floorboards and topless barmaids aplenty - and somewhere in between those two you'll find the formidable French actor Saïd Taghmaoui (La Haine, 1995) starrin as an afterthought of a bandit - a testament to how unnecessary this movie really is and how hard it is to get cast in the decent role these days.
Bad news on the doorstep:

"Kill me now. I don't wanna be in this movie."

When it comes to blood, other barbarians are happy to spill but Conan splashes. Rated R Stateside and 18/M18 in Malaysia and Singapore respectively, Conan The Barbarian does more than what it says on the tin if you're lookin to catch some barbarous acts of violence in voluminous gratuity. The story, unrelated to earlier films, follows Conan as a child who grows up hell-bent on findin the evil warlord (Stephen Lang from Avatar) who killed his father (Ron Perlman, Hellboy) and annihilated his entire village in search of a mythical artefact. It is not difficult to agree with the online consensus that this 2011 reupdate lacks heart - as can be felt most jarringly in scenes of emotional downtime with grand music - all failin to resonate with the audience. In short, it's hard to care for the characters no matter how good they look.
Perennial wonderment:

"If I touch you there..."

Hard to tell Momoa from the Baywatch days of Jason Ioane and his pearly whites. He's very committed to the role and nothin like the hunky young lifeguard we remember - but at least he has found a suitable job since apparently receivin 140 stitches on his scarred face in a 2008 bar brawl involvin beer glass. There seems to be blood and violence at every turn when it comes to Conan, eh? Well, Cimmerian or not, check yourself for hepatitis after the show.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Dozed off at the Singaporean premiere plenty of times.★★
Bonus material:

All the natives are happily topless on set. Barbarians, really.

Sleeping Beauty (2011)

At a glance:

Remember that very watchable little girl in Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2004)? Well Emily Browning (pic) grew up and became the pale beauty that is Babydoll in Sucker Punch (2011). Now she appears as the titular muse in Sleeping Beauty (2011), a polished but very confusin WTF debut from Aussie writer-director Julia Leigh, though it seems to be fiercely endorsed by The Piano (1993) veteran Jane Campion who calls it everythin from sensuous, complex and unafraid to a fascinating piece of contemporary existential cinema. The story is about uni student Lucy, who looks like she's twelve but spends half the film in her glorious, pinkest bits in full view despite workin five jobs, gettin sucked into a perverse world of dirty old men entertainment under the pretext of waitressin e.g. havin to match her lipstick colour to her labia. I know. WTF, right?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Yes, WTF must indeed be the commonest acronym to exclaim just a third into the film, wherever you may be watchin it. There's a lot of fairytale references planted about but seriously, it's a rather tiresome piece of static craphouse cinema if you asked me.

Perennial wonderment:

Does Emily Browning herself understand what the film is all about or is it all a load of bollocks printed on the production notes? Apparently she was made to study Charlotte Gainsbourg's performance in Lars von Trier's Antichrist (2009) for this performance, so I'm even more convinced that it's farthouse fare just like that one.

Reminds me of:

Gradiva (2006) and Eyes Wide Shut (1999).

My hands were clenched in fists of rage:

When the end credits rolled and I realised I really should've resisted lookin this up after a Disney employee I know rubbished it on Facebook. The visuals are too strong and I gave in.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★ for high production values. Wannabe European schmaltz at its finest. Might I suggest you watch Tokyo Decadence (1992) instead, for a movie that has somethin to say.
Trailer for the curious:

Winter's Bone (2010)

At a glance:
Sparse and muted but oddly compellin, R-rated indie gem Winter's Bone was up for four Oscar nods includin Best Pic; and deserved all the distributor attention it got, if only because it's the least watched and probably the cheapest of the 10 nominees to shoot. Who would have thought that a US$ 2 million movie could turn so many heads? Critics have likened this to another Sundance winner, 2008's Frozen River. Here, we follow Down To The Bone director Debra Granik through the Missouri Ozark backwoods of crime writer Daniel Woodrell's 2006 book, where 17-year-old Ree Dolly deals with a sick mother, starvin siblings and a missin father - while buyin time before her home is repossessed. It's a morality tale about the white underclass and the underground drug trade, underpinned by some remarkable performances from a completely committed cast. In the lead, a young, classically-untrained Jennifer Lawrence (The Burning Plain, 2008) puts in a turn so apt and convincin, she got nominated by the Academy for Best Actress. Her star-makin role as an almost dislikeable teenager is mature and smoothly underhit. Joinin the restrained brilliance is John Hawkes (Me And You And Everyone We Know, 2005) who was himself endorsed here under Best Supporting for his role as the menacin uncle Teardrop, a conflicted man with a superb character arc. Other turns include Garret Dillahunt as a stiff local sheriff and a feisty Dale Dickey as the town matriarch.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Findin an adult without the attention span of housefly to watch it with.
Perennial wonderment:
If Jennifer Lawrence will find work consistently. Since appearin in X-Men: First Class (2011) as Raven / Mystique, I can't see her bein listed in anythin big, except The Hunger Games (2012). We need to see more of her.
Reminds me of:
Terribly Happy (2008) and Shotgun Stories (2007)
Most memorable line:
Never ask for what oughtta be offered.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Perhaps the climax smacked too much of a fable and lacked a more memorable and dramatic reward for viewers but Winter's Bone definitely delivers - that is, if you didn't base your expectations on its completely inappropriate B-grade horror movie poster (at least in my region). It may well be the only film in recent times that is genuinely worth watchin because some people thought it was Oscar-worthy. You'll like the music, too.

Pusher III (2005)

At a glance:
Pusher III is a somewhat muted culmination to the celebrated cult trilogy, focusin on a particularly menacin kingpin from the first two movies - baldin Serbian old-timer Milo, played by accomplished Croat actor Zlatko Burić, pic (doorman in Dirty Pretty Things and also went on to appear in that disaster movie 2012). We follow him through the course of just one day in his life, as he tries very hard to stay off dope while keepin ahead of some dodgy Albanians, Turks, Poles etc and bein the chef for his daughter's birthday party.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's been more than five years and fans of the series are still waitin for more from writer-director Nicolas Winding Refn but all we've got is a 2010 Hindi rip-off with the same name. You would've thought that since he has had some successful British and Hollywood projects e.g. Bronson and Drive he would start work on Pusher IV as soon as he can. There's good DVD money here and too many characters left unexplored. Please make Pusher IV in my lifetime, Nicolas!
Reminds me of:
Milo's harrowin attempts to stay clean and do right throughout the story are so realistic that any person who has ever been addicted to anythin, can relate to them. There are little nuggets of humanity in him, a sort of criminal determinism that defines him, yet the very next moment he goes about doin the cruelest things with frightenin ease. Milo's character struggle is like any criminal's - the irremediable belief that they are all unfortunate victims of circumstance. Milo's allure however, is that because he doesn't apologise for or try to justify his actions one bit, we begin to see the beauty of believin him.
Watch out for:
The reappearance of Milo's trusty henchman Radovan (Slavko Labovic) in the last third of the film, where the most grisly acts of criminal dismemberment get committed to your memory for life.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars for a truly satisfyin watch. You feel lucky to be a middle class wanker readin blogs like this one in your free time instead of bein mixed up with the characters in Pusher III.

Pusher II (2004)

At a glance:
A standalone sequel but best watched with the '96 original, Pusher II and Pusher III are nevertheless projects that were done because director Nicolas Winding Refn reportedly needed to bail his foreclosin production company back out into the black after runnin into debt. Thank goodness the man went back on his word not to touch the cult classic because the product is definitely top notch, expandin on the characters shown in the first film. Pusher II focuses on Tonny (Mads Mikkelsen, left) the seasonal loser so desperately eager to impress his disappointed dad (Leif Sylvester) and overturn his catalogue of lifelong fuckups that he ends up spirallin further down the abyss of self-destruction instead. It's not as intense as the first film but by golly it is a magnificently depressin one with wonderfully built themes of family dysfunction, drugs, responsibility and friendship.
Bad news on the doorstep: 
 I'm a big fan. I can't think of bad things to say about this very studied trilogy, except maybe I think not every female in this movie needed to be a prostitute.
Watch out for:
A particularly heart-warmin and suitably underhit scene in which Tonny discovers how his mother is doin.
Most memorable line:
"Dude, I just got this new girl in the house, right? A really nice, little cunt. Then last night, I was doing her doggy-style in the bathtub, right? Then suddenly, she slipped in the foam and smacked her teeth on the edge - four teeth out her mouth. Must have hurt like shit, dude. But don't worry, it's only her baby teeth."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mads Mikkelsen is a very good actor and you can go swimmin in the depth of his actin. Just like the first film, you know it's a great movie when you start carin for people as irredeemable as these.★★★★

Pusher (1996)

At a glance:
If you ever knew a drug dealer, then Pusher is an exercise in déjà vu of great nihilistic pleasure. All grit and grain with no glamour, embattled filmmaker Nicolas Winding Refn (writer and director of films like Valhalla Rising and Bronson) made this outstandingly powerful film about a week in life of a drug dealer that went on to spawn two sequels. It's a pressure cooker of a movie that delivers some remarkable resonance, as we follow Copenhagen crime through the eyes of Kim Bodnia's character Frank (foreground), a disenchanted pusher who has to deal with his best mate Tonny (Mads Mikkelsen, background) and prostitute girlfriend Vic (Laura Drasbæk), not to mention the Serb kingpin Milo played by Zlatko Buric and his burly henchman Radovan (Slavko Labovic). It's the smilin gangsters that get you shivering; and that's where Pusher hits all the right notes, despite bein hand-held and unintentionally underlit presumably due to budget constraints.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Somehow didn't go down the annals of cult cinema like how La Haine (1995) did. Sure launched some Danish careers though.
Perennial wonderment:
Can Mads Mikkelsen fight as good as he looks?
Watch out for:
Scary scenes involving Serbian sociopaths and Danish dealers who seriously don't like being a few kroner short.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. It's moment after moment of dog-eat-dog and how a form of friendship actually does exist in the most perverse of situations. If you were ever in financial desperation, watch this movie as your glimmer of hope.

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed (2009)

Finally we get an eyeful of Gemma's gems.

At a glance:
Bond girl and Persian princess Gemma Arterton stars as the titular kidnappee for this mildly intriguin British thriller in which only three people appear - the other two bein her balaclava bandit captors (Martin Compston and Eddie Marsan). Yes, we finally see Gemma's gems after Daniel Craig and Jake Gyllenhaal got to. The trio play out to a surprisin stand-off as we discover that the ransom won't come as easy as expected. Elements include guns, panties, handcuffs and soundproofed rooms.

"Never ever play with your food again, son."

Bad news on the doorstep:
Startin strong but finishin very weakly indeed, debutant director J. Blakeson (he wrote the 2009 sequel for The Descent) served up one twist too many and didn't keep it tight enough, with some character decisions lettin it all disintegrate into credibility tedium. Don't wanna give away any spoilers here but as the movie wears on, I got less excited.
Perennial wonderment:

Play time!

Why do I find myself drawn to movies with titles like The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (2008), The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) etc. ?
Reminds me of:
Buried (2010) and Hard Candy (2005).
Watch out for:
A reasonably unexpected WTF love scene along the way. O my days.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
A valid but problematic effort. To see more of Arterton, she's in the upcomin Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) playin opposite Jeremy Renner as the fairytale siblings.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Did you know that this exquisite creature was born with extra fingers?

Highlander (1986)

At a glance:
There can be only one, indeed, as this was the 1986 Russell Mulcahy camp classic that spawned four further Highlander movies, two TV series, an animated series, an animated movie, an animated flash-movie series, 10 original novels and 17 comic book issues - all of which doesn't hold a candle to it. Many decisions in the franchise disappoint but this only goes to show how attractive the original Connor MacLeod idea is - a Scottish clansman who cannot die, as he lives on to discover others like him.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's been a quarter of a century but there is still talk of efforts for a new movie, namely Summit Entertainment's 2008 announcement about Highlander: The Reckoning but Fast And Furious director Justin Lin seemed to have been dropped out of it now with no further word on a replacement helmer.
Perennial wonderment:
How is Christopher Lambert (pic) the boyfriend of Sophie Marceau?
I can't remember if I cried:
Every time I hear Queen's Who Wants To Live Forever, a song reportedly and believably tailor-written by Brian May to match scenes from the movie, especially those depictin the immortal protagonist's doomed romance for a lover who will eventually outlive him. Of course, this song is now a staple at funeral parlours.
Most memorable line:
There can be only one.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I don't think this movie has aged one bit. Hope they get the fifth movie out sometime before the end of this century. ★★★

Daughter Of Darkness (1993) @ 滅門慘案之孽殺

At a glance: 
Memorable CAT III fare by Ivan Lai Kai Ming with that girl Lily Chung Suk Wai (Red To Kill 1994, Sexy And Dangerous 1996) where the vulnerable protagonist is an stepdaughter who gets blamed for everythin under the sun, eventually crackin under the slow-cook abuse and goin berserk Terminator-style on the whole family, especially the father, played by a positively pervy William Ho Ka Kui.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Anthony Wong's maverick China cop antiques render it too playful and the comic detracts from the flavour of the film to the point of nausea.
Perennial wonderment:
What are all these former soft porn actresses doin in Hong Kong now? 
I can't remember if I cried:
When Anthony Wong fondles a female corpse and correctly ascertains the time of death based purely on the sogginess of her breasts, passin it off as brilliant police work as a colleague gapes in admiration. 
Reminds me of: 
Red To Kill (1994) and all the other films in which Lily Chung (pic) gets raped.
Watch out for:
Violent end sequence that teaches you how to stab someone to death with a deity figurine.
Most memorable line:
Who needs lines with a DVD cover like that? 
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two and a half.

KL Gangster (2011)

"Lu cakap macam orang sudah mau bosan dengan hidop, tau?"

At a glance:

Malaysia's top grossin film of all time at RM 11.74 mil accordin to the FINAS jokers (that's almost US$ 4 mil) is a gangster flick that won't make much sense outside the multi-ethnic Southeast Asian nation - but to the jaded locals, this was a refreshin mainstream action movie that immediately spared us the perennial tedium of predictable and pedestrian scriptin, deservin all the box office success it achieved, especially since it doesn't even have a female lead. Probably conceived after director and scribe Shamsul Yusof chanced upon some of HK's Young And Dangerous movies from the 90s, the highest sellin point for this ### is the undeniably original and inspired dialogue - a mixaphorical street market dialect punctuated by rude and unnatural Cantonese retorts by Malay characters. This drew non-Malay audiences even, a most rare occurrence in the country.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Lu mau gua dudok diam? Lu kasi wa mati dulu la baru wa diam."

Some glarin continuity goofs and a few poor performances blight an otherwise solid tour-de-fist of over-the-top Kuala Lumpur gangland warfare. For those unfamiliar with the territory - no, we don't get tattooed Malay hoods runnin through Chinatown with two pistols and a suitcase in midday. Velvet blazers for that quintessential nouveau rich look are a tropical no-no as well.

Perennial wonderment:

Adiputra's muscular turn as the enigmatic gangster Jai (with unlit cigarette, below) takes the top prize for best actin but I'm quite concerned as to how the man is doin right now. In an appearance at a Malaysian shoppin mall not too long ago with co-stars Aaron Aziz and Adam Corrie to promote the flick, he lost a lot of weight and looked rather jaundiced. Sure hope he'll be in more movies. 

Reminds me of:

I can't remember if I cried:

"Lawan gua bukan dua orang
tapi dua lori."

When Zizan Raja Lawak, the movie's singular point of comic relief, says: "Gua mau beli banglo besar kat depan tu, tapi takde budget pasal gua dah beli TV plasma ni dengan tali pinggang ni." (literally "I want to buy that big house over there but I'm quiet broke because I already bought this plasma TV and this belt."). There are plenty of memorable one-liners in this movie and the people at Skop Productions can be credited for an interestin marketin approach on Facebook which had them settin up multiple fan pages just for these lines.

Watch out for:
Anythin Zizan Raja Lawak says or does is absolutely original and hilarious. He won't top this performance for a very long time.
Most memorable line:

Too many to pick from.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

This movie gets my four stars and I paid cash money to watch it at a cinema twice to make sure Yusof Haslam's pockets are properly lined to shoot KL Gangster 2.★★★★

Trailer for the curious:

 Bonus material:

1996 Hong Kong material gets a 2011 Malay reupdate to the tune of RM 11.74 million. Why bother changin a winnin formula, eh?

I Saw The Devil (2010) @ 악마를 보았다

"Honestly guys, I have never met Cho Seung-hui."

At a glance:

Naked dead body. Yummy.

"We wanted make it look cruel rather than grotesque," reads the notes from special make-up artist Kwak Tae-yung - but I Saw The Devil 악마를 보았다 is so unrelentingly brutal that there will be little separatin the two by the time you're through all 144 minutes of its R21-rated (Singapore) violence porno. Alright, that's an exaggeration. What is plain to see however, is that director Kim Jee Woon "wanted to watch the primitive energy that arises out of the clash of mad rage like an active volcano and icy-cold lunacy", which is why this movie doesn't even attempt to explain it characters or their motivations. It's a cold, cold thriller about how the wrong and the wronged go at one another in such relentless fashion that you simply cannot look away from the screen - and despite arrivin at these shores more than a full year after its South Korean release, I Saw The Devil, now apparently available in its uncensored entirety, is definitely hot stuff, and one for the filmmakin canon.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"I just want to go home and play with my iPhone."

Some people want more character motivation explained, I guess. Also, the bit involvin extra friends don't seem to gel with the rest of the story.

Perennial wonderment:

How hard is it to dispose of a dead body?

Reminds me of:

We have Old Boy Choi Min-sik to thank for his menacin screen presence, despite not havin appeared in anything for five years. He plays a seemingly pathological psychopath who kills young women for pleasure and on a freezin, snowy night, his latest victim just so happens to be the beautiful daughter of a retired police chief and pregnant fiancee of elite special agent Soo-hyun, played by international Korean icon Lee Byung-hun (Storm Shadow in the G.I. Joe movies). Lee's performance here is nothin short of extraordinary. It's a story that goes beyond cat-and-mouse to cover even catch-and-release. Perhaps the beauty in this peculiar film is that it is so fatalistically resigned from the outset and yet due to its stylish direction we are so drawn to follow the warring pair to the bitter end.

"Have you ever tried amputee sex?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I Saw The Devil is an aptly named film and I can definitely admire to the director's aspirations that "through the two characters who mercilessly attack each other for revenge, [I] hope the audience will question why some people lead normal lives while others live like the devil - also, wonder where did everything start to go wrong or where are we headed". Like Choi Min-sik's cult classic Old Boy (2003), it's a movie that forces us to examine the monsters we may not know we're keepin. ★★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Joe Pesci wouldda been proud.