The Brown Bunny (2003)

Vincent Gallo and Chloë Sevigny.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Wow this movie is seriously slow. I think there's this bit where he drives around Vegas for 15 minutes lookin for whores in his pickup truck. You get to see him turn left, turn right, turn left...
Perennial wonderment:
The enigmatic Vincent Gallo, multi-hyphenate madman and avid wanker (he's known to expound his mastubatory habits in length).
I can't remember if I cried:
When I read about how this completely indulgent movie ended up being profitable for everyone after all. The dust settled, they got it out on DVD and somewhere in Malaysia this idiot picked it up. Thank goodness I'm not alone - I saw this on Mike's shelf too.
Watch out for:
Totally unnecessary UNSIMULATED fellatio scene with Chloë Sevigny. This movie (or one of its versions) caused a fiasco at the Cannes premiere, apparently bringin her to tears when people booed it big time. Roger Ebert was reported to have called the worst movie ever to have played in the history of the film fest.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
★

Orang Minyak (2007)

At a glance:

Peculiar character-driven story about the supernatural apparition that is orang minyak. Legend has it that the thing is a charcoal-black monster who has a thing for virgins - but me dad says they're just horny blokes who oil themselves good to pass off as ghosts, so that uneducated village girls will tell coppers silly stories. Holy burnt char siew, Batman! What an excellent idea! Should try it on the neighbour.

Unmarketable poster.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Movie did poorly on the back of bit-part jobs from two co-directors (C.K Karan and Jamal Maarif) and an unmarketably dark poster which apparently scared kids. Lack of banana peel humour didn't find fans among Duyung masses either.
Watch out for:
The two-pronged talents of a radiant, naughty housewife played by Zila Bakarin, who got married recently after years of TV mediocrity. Still on the subject of two-pronged talents, there are also the ridiculously uncomfortable wardrobe and delivery lines from Liverpool-born Sharifah Sofea. These busty women were infinitely more interestin that the titular character.

Unmarketable character.

I can't remember when I cried:
When I met my former Taekwondo instructor as a child, who happened to have turned movie director. I ain't seen Master Karan for almost 20 years and here he is givin press interviews. What an unexpected turn.
My hands were clenched in fists of rage:
When it transpired I'm apparently the only writer in Malaysia who liked it. Most local journos rated it the worst Malaysian movie of 2007. Harsh!
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
★★★★ on the basis of the number of prongs in this movie.

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Orang Minyak attack.

Director CK Karan in cap, as Jobot Maheran and Sharifah Sofea look on.

The Strangers (2008)

"What's this movie about again?"

Gemma Ward as Dollface.

At a glance:
Promisin door-knock suspense thriller where Scott Speedman-Liv Tyler chemistry works but story isn't rewardin enough and we discover that home invaders Bagface, Pin-Up Girl and Dollface are somewhat meaninglessly menacin, in the absence of more compellin storytellin. Fear turned pointless, though it does have its moments.
Perennial wonderment:
Liv, get a real job! Why do you like starrin in non-movies?
Reminds me of:
Vacancy (2007) with Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson - but nowhere near the intensity. I think it's not that far off to describe this movie as 'what happens if an Indon horror director did a Hollywood movie'.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It does have an excellent marketin gimmick on its official website though - you can mail your friends an SOS phone call. ★ 1/2
Bonus material:

This scene wasn't even in the movie! Where I saw it, at least.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth 3D (2008)

At a glance:
This goes down in history for the dubious honour of bein the first 3D movie in Malaysia - brought it by the largest chain, Golden Screen Cinemas. Kiddie fare with minimal intrigue. 2D version ain't worth it, trust me.
Perennial wonderment:
Brendan Fraser, man who spends whole career playin characters who are always runnin away from somethin - 3D dinosaurs, hot English genies & prehistoric mummies, to name a few.
Watch out for:
The blonde mountain guide, new actress Anna Briem.
Reminds me of:
Jumanji (1995) and Jurassic Park (1993), of course. Nowhere near as entertainin, though.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Gets two stars for not tryin too hard to be what it isn't.

Lost In Beijing (2007) @ 苹果

At a glance:
Accessible, coherent & somewhat commercial social commentary at its regional finest, thanks to risin (and rise-inducin) talent Fan Bing Bing (pic) & the uglier of the two Tony Leungs - the better actor! Ménage-a-quatre plot oddly hilarious & sheepishly amusin. Bannin this movie only heightens the glare of China's insecurity. I still can't forget that Olympics farce with the little girl singin. End credits wonderfully reinforces themes of greed, globalisation & societal decay. Time to migrate to Sweden, folks.
Watch out for:
All of Fan Bing Bing's sex scenes, especially the one where she gets 'accidentally' done by Tony Leung. Give it!
Reminds me of:
Lukas Moodysson's Lilya-4-Ever, though I can't think why.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I'd say is about right. Plus I watched this on an original disc, given as a token by Teddy Robins to a speaker at the HK Filmart. Needless to say, the disc is now mine. Ngek ngek ngek.

Bugsy Malone (1976)

"I made a lot of friends in exotic places,
I don't remember names but I remember faces."

At a glance:

"I like my men at my feet."

An enjoyable and memorable musical with an all-kid lineup, includin a prepubescent Jodie Foster (pic), who musta been 10 or somethin when she shot this. Movie is a light-hearted reimaginin of Prohibition Chicago, where Italian gangsters and their molls die if they get hit by splurge guns that shoot custard. Many include this as one of the greatest musicals of all time. Some say one of the greatest movies even. Songs all very memorable and it ain't embarrassin to concede I know some by heart.
Somethin touched me deep inside:

Jail bait Jodie.

Every time I watch that after hours scene with the black kid sweepin up - Tomorrow / tomorrow's far away / tomorrow / as they say / is reserved for dreams / tomorrow / tomorrow's looking grey / a playground always locked / trains no winning team
Reminds me of:
My brother who recommended it. Sure miss the bastard.
Watch out for:
Jodie Foster as Tallulah the ho, of course. You can see her immense talent even at this age. This was around the same time as her young whore role in the Scorsese gem Taxi Driver (1976) with Deniro.
Most memorable line:

Fat Sam: "Someone once said it was rainin brains, Roxy Robinson wouldn't even get wet. Roxy had spent his whole life makin two and two into five, but he could smell trouble like other people could smell gas. But believe youse me, he should've never taken that blind alley by the side of Parido's Bakery. Whatever game it was everybody was playin, sure as eggs is eggs, Roxy the Weasel had been scrambled."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Love the production design, love the songs. Sure don't make 'em like they used to.★★★★

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

Just once in my life, I would like to try this.

At a glance:
Honestly, this Rob Schneider fella (pic) ain't funny but if he ever starred in a movie that was, it would be this. Titular character is a loser of a fish expert turned unlikely gigolo, findin himself reluctantly renderin his so-called services to various women of ill-nature. Tasteless comedy, really - but it did teach me what it means when someone asks "have you ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?"

Bad news on the doorstep:
Not sure if this is bad news but Schneider said in an interview that there will be no more additions to this box office wonder and that he was kinda relieved the European Gigolo (2005) sequel bombed because that means he'd never have to do it again. He admits hatin to be the character.
Reminds me of:
This bird I used to know, who oddly thought this movie was funny, too.

Most memorable line:
Deuce: "Kate, you have a smile that could melt an iceberg. Your lips are as sweet as honey. You may only have one leg, but it's the most beautiful leg in the world."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
10 years on, I still remember most of the scenes and their correspondin lines vividly. Ah the good ol' days. A guilty pleasure.★★★

A Dirty Shame (2004)

At a glance:
Annoyin sex farce about a frumpy woman (Tracey Ullman) who turns into a cock-cravin, gang-bangin, dick-suckin, hard-fuckin, ball-lickin piece of aged ass when she sustains a head injury. She goes round Baltimore indulgin in every type of sexual deviance. Yea I'd hit her.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Watched this on Malaysian cable TV, so even if there were nudity I didn't see me none. Could anyone comment on whether it was worth it?
Reminds me of:
Porn.
Watch out for:
Selma Blair's burdensome bosom (pic). Who can put an alphabet to the cup size? She plays exhibitionist go-go dancer Ursula Udders. Also, Johnny Knoxville is actually in this, playin a self-styled sex guru.
Most memorable line:
None.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
None. Trash.

40 Hari Bangkitnya Pocong (2008)

At a glance:
Yet another pocong flick, directed by that 7-day shoestring shootin maestro Rudi Soedjarwo.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Sabai Morscheck

Instantly forgettable.
Perennial wonderment:
How they can keep comin out with this stuff.
Reminds me of:
The silly ass "interview" the distributor managed to get me for Sabai Morscheck and Rudi Soedjarwo via e-mail. Man actually admits that he cast a homeless beggar from the streets and dragged the man on set because he had no legs and they thought he'd make a great ghost. You can see this in the film. Hope he paid him right.
Watch out for:
One of the better aspects of this film would be Sabai Morscheck. The Indon lass is a better watch than both Revalina Temat in Pocong 2 and Francine Roosenda in Pocong 3. Perhaps she's not as arrestingly beautiful as the former or as snarlingly in-character as the latter. However, I've never seen so much white on a girl's eyes since Angelica Lee! Her characterisation reminds one of Christina Ricci. It makes her a great subject of interest.
Sanitised, politically-balanced full review with pics:
Here - don't bother though.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two. Rudi Soedjarwo needs new material.

All's Well End's Well 2009 (2009) @ 家有囍事 2009

At a glance:

At last, 2009 opens with a real Hong Kong Cantonese movie, to let us forget the blurrin borders of the Chinese movie industry, at least for a little while. The lucrative Chinese New Year season cannot find a worthier money-spinner than All's Well End's Well 2009 a.k.a. 家有囍事 2009, especially when old-timers like Sandra Ng and Raymond Wong are part of the effort. Effortlessly charming and enjoyably illogical, the movie is harks back to the old days of HK filmmakin when characters and actors were often one and the same.
Bad news on the doorstep:
There are no laugh-out-louds in this fourth instalment but there are plenty of giggles. The humour is built on character mannerisms and we can be happy about that, especially when it's the simple overused story on the unfeminine ball-breaker woman who gets played out by a playboy-for-hire only to find love somehow in the end. New mum Sandra Ng plays this ball-breaker, having long been synonymous with all non-traditional women roles in Hong Kong acting. It's always a joy to watch her just stand there and do whatever comes to her mind. However, Louis Koo's romantic roles have never been convincing and in this movie, he is found wanting. The chemistry between them is also forced, just like in the plot. Good thing Happy Ghost Raymond Wong enters the movie halfway to give us another male lead to look at. There's also a cameo for Charlene Choi to look out for but with the exception of Ronald Chen, the supporting characters could have done more if director Vincent Kok cooked up somethin better for their time.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Performances aside, there are many scenes referencin other movies (even Hollywood ones) and Sandra Ng's water-splashin sidewalk dance is rather amusin, not to mention a clever cover-up of who's who involving Sandra's boyfriend in front of her confused parents. The 'mou lei tau' from Stephen Chow's opener in 1992 seems very far away now, with this diverse but controlled humour we are asked to accept. It's like a complete package of 'safe' surprises. Well, let's hope it's going to be a good year then.★★★
Bonus material:

Love And Honor (2006) @ 武士の一分

Did she just prostitute the family pride for 30 koku of rice?

At a glance:

Rei Dan 檀れい as Kayo

Wonderful – the finer points of dyin are again available on general release! When do we die? Why do we die? How should we die? In a year of movie trilogies (some would hope they stop at just the three), Yoji Yamada puts forth Love And Honor 武士の一分 (2006) the third film of his samurai series after Twilight Samurai(2002) and Hidden Blade (2004). The billin for this movie could almost fool someone into thinking it might resemble that Tom Cruise Hollywood schlock, The Last Samurai, especially its choice of English titlin, but all the solid, subtle elements of arthouse cinema are thankfully retained. The skinny? In feudal Japan, official Court taster Shinnojo Mimura lives with his wife, Kayo, in the palace town. They get by comfortably enough with his 30-koku (enough rice to feed one person for one year) annual salary, although he had always wanted somethin more challengin, like openin a kendo dojo to teach young kids. Tragedy strikes by way of fish [spoilers] – a sashimi dish was prepared poorly and Shimmojo is poisoned. Upon recovery, he discovers he's blind. Kayo and concerned relatives fuss over the fate of the couple, as Shinnojo is now rendered useless in the palace town and his wife wants to work (big no-no). Fortune favours the blind samurai when palace officials issue a decree which would support him for life but Kayo is implicated in a possible sex-for-food trade-off with one pervy Chief Duty Officer. Did she just prostitute the family pride for 30 koku of rice? Disgraced, Shinnojo divorces her without investigatin further, and challenges the 'receivin' official to a sword duel. Yet, there's still a way out for everyone.