Be My Slave (2012) @ 私の奴隷になりなさい

Mayama Akihiro flicks Mitsu Dan's bean in Be My Slave (2012).

Took this from the Facebook fan page.

At a glance:

Tôru Kamei's Be My Slave (私の奴隷になりなさい transliterated as Watashi no Dorei ni Narinasai) is an adult drama based on a Shu Satami novel, featurin model Mitsu Dan 壇蜜 (born Shizuka Saito) in the titular role. She plays an employee at a publishin company with some serious sexual needs, lurin a younger colleague (Mayama Akihiro) into her voyeuristic perversions before we're introduced to a game master fetishist (Itao Itsuji) who seems to hold all the cards. This movie reportedly "conjures up the spirit of classic Nikkatsu roman-poruno, a lineage solidified by the presence of Dan’s industry predecessor, Aya Sugimoto, who starred in the recent remakes of the old Hana to Hebi movies." If you know what that means, then you stand a better chance than me at appreciatin it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Consider it your disclaimer that I really don't dig conventional Oriental porn, especially those Japanese ones with exaggerated resistance. So I'm not the kinda movie reviewer who'd know the difference between an AV model and a gravure idol. However, I did watch the extended, 111-minute director's cut of this full-frontal movie and I'm not glad to report that it failed to get a rise outta me, if you'd pardon the pun. The story is nothin new, the sex is unbelievably borin and Mitsu Dan ain't my idea of a good time, no matter how many dildos and vibrators she wants stuffed into all her orifices. Preferences aside, her unremarkable performance makes the whole movie pointless and borin to me.

What?

Perennial wonderment:

The sex appeal of docile Japanese women. I'm right at the other end of the spectrum here and usually find myself alone when friends gawk at diminutive, titless Asian girls.

Reminds me of:

That other sex movie that bored my tits off - Natali 3D 나탈리 (2010).

Watch out for:

The toy-assisted DP scene. You can actually spot Itao Itsuji lookin quickly to the cameramen for further instructions after givin Mitsu Dan a crisp slap on her arse. Talk about ruinin the mood!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Mitsu Dan simulates a DP here for your viewing pleasure.

I'd recommend a rewatch of Tokyo Decadence (1992) if you're lookin for a similar fix. Anyway, check out the official website for more information about this unnecessary movie, if you understand Japanese.★★

Bonus material:

Like what you see? Well, there ain't much more where that came from.

Into The Woods (2012)

Ava Brunini as Stacy: "Can someone please get me out of this movie?"

At a glance:

Hadrian Hooks: "Just do it. Don't let anyone stop you."

We judge the player based on the play and this movie review blog is all about lookin out for respectable indie efforts that might otherwise just pass under the radar. That bein said, in this age of technology, too many movies have been made just because they could. I'm still reelin from havin sat through Money Shot (2013) the other day and now find myself endurin debut writer-director Hadrian Hooks' Into The Woods (2012), a labour of love that must mean a lot to him, as you can deduce from a rather frank interview with the man, who sounds like a nice enough fella. Completed quite some time ago and havin recently found DVD/VOD release, it's a horror-by-numbers shoestring project, about a group of friends who take up a bet to spend a night in the murderous woods of Hollywood Hills.

Bad news on the doorstep:

How we might be persuaded to watch the DVD.

While its low production values are apparent, especially considerin the limited funds at disposal for productions such as these, Into The Woods is not a place worth goin, largely due to a completely unremarkable story with little or no payoff at all. After one has forgiven all the poor angles, bad lightin and banal dialogue, it's still difficult to even remotely care for these cardboard characters who never say or do anythin interestin. Shoot me dead, they ain't even memorable enough to be dislikeable! Characters make up the all-important cinegredient that usually elevates any zero-budget horror flick to a level of respectable fun, whatever its compendium of shortcomings. Sadly, the pedestrian actors prove fatal to the enjoyment of the movie, so I hope Hooks starts from a better place should he decide to have another go at it in the future.

Perennial wonderment:

So painfully amateur.

When will the necessarily unintelligent people in horror movies stop queuin up to be slaughtered like helpless lambs?

I can't remember if I cried:

Yep. Precisely how I feel about the movie.

When I realised the movie's villain is hardly ever seen (not just due to the bad lightin), heard or explained.

Most memorable line:

The only moment in the movie with some semblance of originality is when Laila Odom's character says that black people don't go into the woods and that it's a white people thing.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It hardly meets the minimum advertisin expectations I set for it after seein the poster. One of the few positives from the movie is that it's really short. Sorry mate, nothin here. So jog on.★1/2

Sexy Evil Genius (2013)

Looking to jack off to Katee Sackhoff? Sexy Evil Genius ain't the movie for it.

At a glance:

Shawn Piller's lo-fi black comedy Sexy Evil Genius (2013) was reportedly completed some two years ago and only found VOD and DVD release through Lionsgate Home Entertainment last week, so do align your expectations accordingly. It does boast an interestin lineup of now lesser seen stars though, in Michelle Trachtenberg, Harold Perrineau, William Baldwin and Seth Green. The movie is almost all-indoor and most of the proceedings happen in a downtown L.A. bar where a group of strangers meet, on account of their mutual friend Nikki Franklyn (Katee Sackhoff in the titular role), an unconventionally attractive woman who'd recently done time for murderin her last ex. We get some flashbacks from different characters every now and then, as the night progresses into a full-blown cat-and-mouse mindfuck.

Bad news on the doorstep:

You'd think a movie with these two would set your pants on fire.

Scott Lew's dialogue-driven script can sometimes surprise us with several sharp turns, even makin references to great classics like Double Indemnity (1944), but the guessin game grows tiresome and the material simply couldn't spark much excitement. Despite sufficiently watchable chemistry between the table guests, we aren't allowed much room to invest in them, as all things have to defer to Katee Sackhoff's central character but she doesn't seem to give much energy to the narrative, though this is through no fault of just her own, especially if you read this Collider interview about how bloody hard she worked for the role. You'd think she'd be perfect for this crazed femme fatale role but somethin is amiss with the direction and we're left feelin indifferent about the payoff even before it comes. Perhaps they could've put in stronger sex scenes to perk things up a little, since it's already rated R?

Perennial wonderment:

Although he's got a quite a substantial body of work in various capacities, Seth Green will always be remembered as that wigga with the goggles who screwed the awkward girl in Can't Hardly Wait (1998), won't he? I liked him as the Amish guy in Sex Drive (2008) too but that wigga role will never be topped, I believe.

Reminds me of:

The Perfect Host (2010) with David Hyde Pierce but that was nowhere near borin, which is what many would feel about this little release.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not particularly sexy, evil or genius, by most accounts. The DVD has quite a lot of cool extras though, but I wouldn't pay for it if I were you. Go show some love on its official Facebook fan page though.★★
Bonus material:

Goofing around on set.

The Place Beyond The Pines (2013)

Though far from perfect, Gosling makes The Place Beyond The Pines unmissable.

"If you ride like lightning,
you're gonna crash like thunder."

At a glance:

Imbued with all the ambition and class of a modern classic crime epic, Blue Valentine director Derek Cianfrance reunites with the enigmatic Ryan Gosling in The Place Beyond the Pines (2013), a flawed but fabulous fable steeped in heavy themes of guilt and redemption. It's the kind of movie you don't take your eyes off for even a minute, as a long take openin trackin shot majestically promises. We're let in on the moral struggles firstly through carnival motorcycle stuntman Luke Glanton (Gosling recallin some touches of Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive), who reluctantly starts robbin small banks with a newfound handyman friend (Ben Mendelsohn) when he discovers he has a year-old son with his one-time fling (Eva Mendes). The decidedly unpolished narrative avoids cheap emotions throughout and the first act especially posits all the hallmarks of an unforgettable story with a lead character so excitin, he deserves an origins sequel.

Bad news on the doorstep:

So Emery Cohen is supposed to be the son of Bradley Cooper & Rose Bryne
while Dane DeHaan is supposed to be the son of Ryan Gosling & Eva Mendes?

Bradley Cooper goes Serpico in The Place Beyond The Pines.

In a clear case of peakin too early, the momentum splutters by the time we meet Bradley Cooper's co-protag in the second act, a cop character with neither the charm nor the complexity to meet the emotional continuity revved up earlier by our ever-so-watchable rebel robber. This is likely to be a miscast than a character exposition problem but by the third act when we're introduced to their respective teenage sons in a 'sins of the father' story arc, things turn weary and even slightly contrived when we realise the actors (Emery Cohen and Dane DeHaan), through no fault of their more than adequate performances, look very little like who they're supposed to be descended from; an unfortunate development that does undo a lot of the magic in this movie, like the breathtakin camerawork and sublime score by Mike Patton. Several set pieces are beautiful and production values are top-notch but one would suspect the director has several regrets he'd admit to himself with the final cut.

Perennial wonderment:

This character deserves an origins sequel.

Are they gonna use Bon Iver's The Wolves (Act I & II) for every movie that seeks to end on a convalescent, resonant note? I'm still high from watchin and hearin its first use, in the closin scene of the beautiful French drama Rust And Bone (2012). Shoegazers forever!

Reminds me of:

Animal Kingdom (2010), A Bronx Tale (1993), and Prince Of The City (1981) come to mind when I think about crime epics with some pedigree.

Ben Mendelsohn can't put a foot wrong.

Watch out for:

Eva Mendes successfully makes herself thin and haggard for her trashy role and Ray Liotta has a more useful run-out here for a change, in one of his usual villainous turns, but Ben Mendelsohn steals the show as the world-weary accomplice and friend. Check out his chops in Beautiful Kate (2009), Killing Them Softly (2012) and Animal Kingdom (2010) if you wanna see what he can really do besides his small part in The Dark Knight Rises (2012).

Only God forgives... if you tattoo a dagger on your face.

Most memorable line:

"If you ride like lightning, you're gonna crash like like thunder."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Would've been movie of the year if not for a few false notes in there. Still, it's a family affair about honour and duty that's certainly artful and intimate enough for a rewatch. Check out this interview with the director if you wanna know more about the movie and also that incredible openin long take. Movin on, can't wait for Only God Forgives (2013) in summer!★★★1/2
Bonus material:

No woman, no cry... Ryan Gosling style.

Lucky Bastard (2013)

Betsy Rue goes full frontal as porn primadonna Ashley Saint in Lucky Bastard.

Coming to shoot or shooting to come?

At a glance:

Here's a welcome break from your Fuck Team Five and Dorm Invasion downloads. Just when you thought there can't be any more variations of the over-saturated found footage subgenre, filmmaker Robert Nathan's unheralded Lucky Bastard (2013) scores in more ways than one. This little low-budget project had no right to be much better than the shyte I've been siftin through in recent months but it is. After a rather unnecessary prologue, we're let in on what we understand to be a video recordin of an adult shoot in an L.A. mansion gone wrong, involvin veteran porn producer Mike (Don McManus), his ditsy muse and porn star wannabe Casey (Catherine Annette), his bitchy top-liner Ashley Saint (Betsy Rue) and a rather unbalanced young stranger (Jay Paulson) whom they hired for one of those fan-fuck episodes. Movie title is in reference to the sleazy website that hosts them.

Not a comedy but Betsy Rue and Jay Paulson revisit American Pie shortcomings.

A nod to Silvia Saint?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, I don't reckon I have too much to complain about a well-conceived movie as indie as this. Lucky Bastard keeps it tight and enjoys a committed, believable cast with sound character exposition throughout, maintainin credible tension long after its sloppy contemporaries have fizzled out. I'd have preferred a little more emphasis on the darker themes but perhaps that would've made it a different movie.

Perennial wonderment:

Don't people keep cuttin and resubmittin until they can get an R ratin these days?
Reminds me of:
You don't wanna know.

Watch out for:

Too tied up to talk to me about the dangers of gay sex?

Don McManus as Mike hits all the right notes, a character that Abbie Bernstein for Assignment X describes as "a very recognizable Hollywood type, glib and proficient, with glints of pain and weariness peeking through the smooth exterior." Amusin that the last two items on his CV that I could recognise are both related to adult entertainment - Lovelace (2013) and For A Good Time, Call... (2012).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

An effective cheap story. This could be easily remade by a big studio as an R-rated wide release... or it could even be remade as a bona fide XXX movie by Reality Kings! Go check out the trailer. ★★1/2
Bonus material:
All photos taken from the Lucky Bastard official website and Facebook fan page.

Director & co-writer Robert Nathan, co-writer Lukas Kendall,
actors Don McManus & Betsy Rue. L.A. premiere. 5 Apr 2013.

Money Shot (2013) @ Agua Caliente

Kristina Page, Jessica Sonneborn, Jennifer Kristin Cox and Bill McAdams Jr.

Early keyart before retitling.

At a glance:

Self-indulgent T&A indie comedy Money Shot a.k.a. Agua Caliente (2013) is probably a dream come true for its writer, director and star Bill McAdams Jr. The story, should you choose to endure it, is about a D-list producer and his hedonistic film crew who are forced to shoot a sleazy movie after they unwisely partied their budget away, failin which they will face the wrath of his violent, no-nonsense financier uncle.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, this is a good example of the sort of movie you make for you and your circle of 500 friends to watch. It's actually rated R but unfortunately tamer than some sex chat informercials you might see on late night telly. If you've got a lot of time on your hands and insist on watchin it despite havin sat through the trailer, then you're probably not goin to be too disappointed.

Budget constraints? Yikes.

Perennial wonderment:

Do we blame The Hangover for movies like these?

Reminds me of:

I just watched Casting Couch (2013) a week or two ago. Can't decide which is more inane.

Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Watch out for:

Jason Mewes (Jay from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back) and agein wrestler Al Snow cameos.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

As I have written so often lately, I do hope the filmmakers and the cast had themselves a ball, at least. For more information, check out its official website or its Facebook page.★
Bonus material:
Why don't you just look at these movie stills below and amuse yourself for a few minutes, then jog on.

Jessica Sonneborn as Hollywood party girl Lena Starr.
I'm more interested in the sandwich at this point.
Oh, she co-wrote the movie too.

Infected (2013)

We're gathered here today to mark the demise of Michael Madsen's career...

Annie Worden obliges with a little tease in Infected.
She's kinda cute.

At a glance:

Michael Madsen is really on a roll, huh? Last year alone, we've seen him in extremely dodgy flicks like Prince Of The City and Eldorado. Now I stumble upon Infected (2013), the latest on his self-effacin CV. It's a messy little indie zombie flick, written and directed by Glenn Ciano. The synopsis reads: As they’ve been doing for years, Louis and his son arrive at a hunting lodge for their yearly vacation with family and friends. They hunt, drink, and share stories by the fire, enjoying the relaxing, familiar countryside.  But when the caretaker’s mother falls ill, it is quickly apparent that she is not sick from an ordinary virus. When she disappears into the woods, the fear begins to spread. Reports of an outbreak of a mutated form of lyme disease begin popping up all over New England and soon, all over the country.  The disease is causing people to become inexplicably violent, committing horrific acts of murder and cannibalism. Normally sane men and women, young and old, become infected with an insatiable desire to eat human flesh. Broadcasts declare that, “Humanity is sick.” These unfortunate souls are not the undead walking the Earth; they are alive and understand the atrocious acts they cannot help themselves from. As the infection spreads and the diseased monsters find their way to the hunting lodge, what starts out as an innocent camping trip, turns into the ultimate fight for survival of the human race. You still here?

Bad news on the doorstep:

William Forsythe

It's a completely unnecessary genre exercise, narrated with the most numbin basic shots and the worst, most puzzlin background music a film director could allow. It's not out of order to say that I've seen more competent film school projects. Character exposition is flimsy and the story is long lost through its limp execution.What a shame for such an elaborate setup.

Perennial wonderment:

Why does it exist?

Reminds me of:

Zombieland (2009) and Feast (2005)... but these were very decent movies that allowed us to have some measure of fun. 

Watch out for:

William Forsythe. He actually followed through and gave a good account of himself.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Christy Carlson Romano

Trust me - you won't miss this one.★

The Colony (2013)

Kevin Zegers and Charlotte Sullivan made no difference in The Colony (2013).

Production still from The Colony (2013).
And don't you dare bitch about spoilers.

At a glance:

I had the pleasure of attendin a secretive test audience screenin for an unfinished cut of The Colony last year. So I was particularly excited to go to the world premiere at Scotiabank Theatre in Toronto, a week or so before it goes on wide release. It's a modest and respectable, if essentially unremarkable Canadian effort by screenwriter Patrick Tarr and director Jeff Renfroe, about a snow-set post-apocalyptic world that's bang opposite from Hollywood's usual projections of global warmin in the future, i.e. Waterworld (1995). Trust the Canadians to have come up with this twist, eh? Shot at the decommissioned NORAD base (North American Aerospace Defense Command) in North Bay, Ontario, the synopsis reads: Beneath the icy surface, survivors of Colony Seven struggle as food supplies dwindle and temperatures continue to drop. Plagued by illness and internal conflict, the colonists suspect the worst when they mysteriously lose contact with Colony Five – the only other known settlement. Sam (Kevin Zegers), a strong-willed mechanic with a tragic past, joins a team headed up by Briggs (Laurence Fishburne) on a dangerous expedition to find out what happened. After a hellish trek, they discover a threat much worse than imagined, and now Colony Seven must win a savage battle to preserve the last of humanity.

Bill Paxton outperforms everyone else in The Colony ...
but only because he actually has a credible character arc.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, it sure didn't get much better the second time around. We start off low-key, buildin promisin, creepy isolation, like in The Thing (1982) but suffer a narrative meltdown to end on a generic slasher note that mostly failed to resist the easy overkill. A major letdown comes by way of underwritten primary punch-clock characters who constantly appear less desperate than they ought to be. While it is in no way a poor movie, the final product cannot pretend to have transcended the sort of weekday afternoon sci-fi mediocrity that always leave us emotionally shortchanged. I believe it's perhaps three or four more rewrites from cult DVD material. Nevertheless, eOne has packaged it well and I do hope it gets a good run at the cinemas.

"What if I told you... that you've seen this movie before?"

Perennial wonderment:

How tall is Laurence Fishburne? There's something about his neck as though he's kind of 'squashed' in appearance. Still, you'd think he's huge if you ever watched The Matrix movies, schoolin Keanu with that trench coat. Accounts vary but today I was standin next to him and can report he cannot be much more than 6'.

Reminds me of:

The Road (2009) and that addictive FPS I used to love, Left4Dead2.

Watch out for:

Bill Paxton (remember Frailty?) as the resident troublemaker. Each time I see this guy's face, I think of an axe. You can read all about his role in this Twitchfilm interview - he apparently refused to say a line because it sounded too much like one from the Alien movies. Maybe that's why his was the only character that has a semblance of originality.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I prefer a more cerebral brand of sci-fi but have a look at The Divide (2011) if you want somethin cut from the same cloth. Check out the Facebook fan page to learn more.★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some photos from the world premiere in Toronto I attended, thanks to Toronto After Dark for havin me.

Fishburne tried his darnedest not to look at this TV reporter's boobs.
His wife, actress Gina Torres, was visibly irked. Haha.

Straight A's (2013)

Anna Paquin scores Straight A's in a spot of cock-teasing with Ryan Phillippe.

At a glance:

Wanna fall asleep like Ryan Phillippe in the movie?
Don't blame ya.

Perhaps more worthy as a grammar debate than a feature movie, the thematically loose but well-edited Straight A's (2013) is about ne'er-do-good lifelong substance abuser Scott (Ryan Phillippe) who suddenly appears on horseback at the doorstep of his brother's Shreveport house, tryin to connect with the family he turned his back on years ago. Packin nothin but a bag of pills and ganja, he's haunted by the spirit of his dead mother and struggles to redeem himself with his brother (Luke Wilson) and also his brother's wife (Anna Paquin), the latter with whom he was formerly an item. The brother is a high-flyin businessman who's out of town for a few days, so Scott sticks around the house and finds himself bondin with the kids and the help. We learn about a strained marriage, disillusioned children and broken relationships. However, the standoffish family patriarch, sick grandfather (Powers Boothe) holds the key to uncoverin some secrets that might heal the whole family.
Bad news on the doorstep:

"You fuckwit son. Whaddya think this is? The Simpsons?"

Only managed a DVD release - and for good reason. Frank Veenstra at Bobafett1138 summarises bluntly: "Nothing against this movie but sometimes I just don't get why certain movies get even made! There is truly nothing special about this movie - its story, characters or drama. To make things worse, it handles things poorly, making this a mostly shallow and bland movie experience." Indeed there's a pronounced lack of urgency to the characters and their story, despite a highly watchable cast and their committed performances. This isn't Little Miss Sunshine (2006) and an unneeded Korean soap twist to its climax further highlights a problem in tone and direction.

Perennial wonderment:

Why didn't Ryan Phillippe and Anna Paquin become bigger stars? These two are extremely commandin and seductive performers who definitely peaked too early.

Reminds me of:

Some families I know. God save them and God save us from them.

Watch out for:

Powers Boothe as the bitter father. He gets a significant supportin role here.

Seems like it was just yesterday I watched Cruel Intentions.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Trevor Anderson at Movie Mavericks writes: "As much as Straight A’s reaches for spirituality, it lands far from its goal and comes off as a trite movie that doesn’t understand the values it purports to have. The ending is also incredibly contrived and drawn out, it doesn’t fit with the rest of film. Or maybe it does, as every choice here seems to be the safe one. Nice direction and strong acting can’t save this snooze-fest of unrelenting nothingness. With characters that are drowning in self-loathing, for which no great reason is ever revealed, the title Straight A’s must be referring to the expletive rather than the grade. Although I’d never give this movie that much credit."★★