Zombie Strippers! (2008)

At a glance:
You don't have a right to complain if you read the film title. Get over yourself and stop slaggin off intentionally bad movies because you're too damned sophisticated to enjoy well-constructed rubbish! This was 94mins of (mostly) fake tits and fancy G-strings sandwichin semi-brilliant, tongue-in-cheek philosophical discourse. Honest!
Perennial wonderment:
Jenna Jameson - I insist she can act. Really, she can. However, would you rather be a strugglin actress, a mediocre actress, a even a decent actress with a limited shelf-life OR would you rather be the most downloaded pornstar in the world? Also, ownin your own porno company isn't the kind of success any pornstar dares to dream of.
Watch out for:
The stripper (I forgot which) who held up a Nietzche book. Robert Englund (pic) is in this movie too! He's the bloke who was Freddy Kruger in Nightmare On Elm Street.
Most memorable line:
Announcer: Tired of that same old lap dance? Well pull up an extra seat, young fellas, and experience Rino's exclusive face dance! One of our lovely ladies will sit on your face and give birth to your head!
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
. Wouldda been a solid three if it were just a bit faster. That Mexican character was kinda fun.

The Ride (1994) @ Jízda

At a glance:
Watered-down, psychosexual cat-and-mouse chase filled with cod philosophy and annoyingly regular breaks for music video montages of Czech pop songs written by one of the leads as well, it seems. Alternatively, it's an idyllic summer's drive past the country for two bored thirtysomethings who innocently pick up a mysterious redhead on the road, without her knickers on. Either way, if you're familiar with director Jan Sverák's award-winnin Kolja (1996), you'd know he won't exactly bore the paint off cinema walls. For a road movie, the characters are necessarily well-developed - two good friends who talk about everythin from the old Eastern bloc to the price of sex in proportion to a bottle of Jim Beam. They already make decent entertainment even before the beautiful Anna Geislerová (pic) enters as the runaway broad. The trio's dynamics are interestin because the two men are constantly threatened by her possible disappearance.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The beautiful and talented Anna Geislerová

When I realise that's not really the story. By its choice of soundtrack, one suspects we're taken on this titular ride for no more than a half-arsed reflection on the mediocrity of urban livin and the fleetingness of life in general, compounded by some very interestin shots on anthills and seventysomethin farmhands. For this, at least there is one resoundin advantage - it's no culture-sensitive story that'd be lost to a non-Czech, and the three people in that car could well be drivin from Bangsar to Bukit Kayu Hitam, wonderin who will have sex with whom first.
Reminds me of:
Drivin in the summer from Sheffield to Scarborough on the M18.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Perhaps best watched on that school holiday in between college and high school, The Ride seems short enough if you didn't pay for it, and long enough if you did. ★★★

Terminator Salvation (2009)

At a glance:
What can I say - it's the latest Terminator movie and I ain't ever watched me any. I can't be bothered, I'm sorry. I'm interested to watch only BAD Arnie movies like Conan The Destroyer and not somethin that could actually be good. I watched this purely because I like Christian Bale and I wanted to see what kind of movie required the sort of intensity which made him go off on that famous rant. I also want to see more of Moon Bloodgood's victorious tits after I recently saw her in Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li. Oh yes, that and it's also part of my job. Not as fun as it sounds, trust me.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's a market-friendly PG13 and not R, unlike all its predecessors.
Perennial wonderment:
If Christian Bale would quit the superhero stuff and go back to playin villains like the whoremongerin mad fuck in American Psycho. Much more intruiguin, I'd say. In a semi-related thought, the mad fuck in this movie turns out to be Sam Worthington, whom I remember appeared as an equally mad fuck in that croc-movie Rogue opposite Radha Michell. He plays half-human-half-robot Marcus Wright, who reminds me of that other mad fuck who has no neck, Wayne Rooney.
Reminds me of:
One of the few sci-fi movies that amused me - Total Recall.
Watch out for:
The chase scene on the bridge. It's like Fast And Furious meets Transformers.
My hands were clenched in fists of rage:
When Moon Bloodgood gave quarter ball ...at most. I blame the kiddie ratin. They really ought to have gone all out for a R adventure. Even the violence just flutters by.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi? for an average movie seen by a curious, first-time Terminator newbie. I won't ask for a call to terminate the franchise but I do wish it were a more adult-orientated film. Trust the Malaysian censors to have let it through with a tame U.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

At a glance:
One of my favourite movies of all time - a swashbucklin, rollickin old-timey Southern adventure starrin George Clooney, John Turturro and Tim Blake Nelson. Never tire of watchin this one, must be the Coens' best. Clooney's greasy motormouth character Everett busts out of prison with two quirky inmates and together they set off on a mission that can best be described as musically whacked. Family-friendly fun for everyone.
Perennial wonderment:
How they never made a follow-up to this - but the bangin soundtrack (which is commonly said to be a hell lot more successful than the movie ever was) got a sequel. Not surprisingly, the soundtrack is also one of my favourite albums of all time.
Reminds me of:
My departed brother, who recommended this movie to me. He's probably at the big rock candy mountain now, paddlin around a lake of whiskey and stew, God bless him.
Watch out for:
The best track from the movie, Man Of Constant Sorrow. Comes on twice. All the other songs are excellent but this one is catchiest.
Most memorable line:
There are plenty but I particularly like Everett's rant about women to Delmar and also another retort containin the phrase unconstant succubus. Known too many in my time.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Five stars, what else. Movies like this one don't come by too often.

Transporter 3 (2008)

At a glance:
Third instalment of the Frank Martin franchise, driven all the way by one-man-GPS Mr. Jason Statham and his armoured Audi A8 W12. Better than the second but not the first, I think. We see our British all-action hero drive across a few European cities with a bomb strapped to his wrist and a freckled chick who can't stop talkin about food. Classical, enjoyable no-brainer.
Bad news on the doorstep:
I think a lot of Americans had trouble understandin Jason Statham's accent and of course Natalya Rudakova's East European hissin. François Berléand as French cop Tarconi doesn't help either. Robert Knepper is actually a pretty convincin generic villain but his lines are a bit too contrived considerin the superficiality of the story. Movie makes sense to Europe more than the U.S. definitely.
Perennial wonderment:
If Jason Statham will ever get to make a British movie again, considerin the slew of Hollywood horseshit he's been doin like In The Name Of The King and Rogue Assassin and to a lesser extent, Death Race.
Reminds me of:
Quantum Of Solace, except I think this is more enjoyable. One thing is certain, Frank Martin movies are doin more for Audi than James Bond movies are for Austin Martin. Also, Rudakova is more memorable in this than Olga Kurylenko ever was in Quantum.
Watch out for:
Frank Martin suited and booted, ridin on a BMX and outpedallin a speedin Audi. Don't you just wish you could do it, too?
Most memorable line:
Valentina: I vant to feel ze sex one more time before I die.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Three solid stars for a movie that knows what it is.

Abre Los Ojos (1997) @ Open Your Eyes

At a glance:
Spanish original of that Hollywood remake you'd know as Vanilla Sky, starrin Tom Cruise. Apparently the cunt was on his cellular by the end credits of this film to enquire about the rights. It's an above average thriller about virtual reality and alternate timelines (or maybe not!) directed by Alejandro Amenábar, the fella who directed Tesis and went on to direct Nicole Kidman in The Others after this movie.
Perennial wonderment:
Penélope Cruz. How can someone so annoyin and whiny actually be talented - remember that coke fest Blow with Johnny Depp? Really hate that voice but after watchin movies like Don't Move opposite Sergio Castellitto, I guess we have to accept the bitch has really got it.
Reminds me of:
The Science Of Sleep - a much classier movie than this - but you get to see a tit or two in this one, includin those tiny Cruz grapefruits.
Watch out for:
Najwa Nimri, the multi-talented Spanish beauty with the consistent CFM face. This is where I first saw her before Lovers Of The Arctic Circle and Sex And Lucia.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Three and a half. I'm so lucky to have seen this before the Cruise remake, thanks Lorena for the heads up so many years ago.

Seance (2007) @ Ouija

At a glance:
The spirit of the glass deserves better than this Filipino caper where Final Destination-meets-Ju-On, released internationally as Seance or so I read. Actually, movies from the Philippines are kinda amusin because they always speak the first part of the sentence in Tagalog and then the rest in English. However, this ploddin movie has too little goin for it and wouldda ended up in some film market's buy-one-free-two bargain bin if not for the hot girls.

Whoops.

Bad news on the doorstep:
It's a shyte film, what can I say? It is however, more watchable than, say, Siquijor: Mystic Island but that's not sayin much.
Reminds me of:
Mavic (pronounced Marvey, innit Ons?) whom I was supposed to take to watch this, before she bloody disappeared.
Watch out for:
Iza Calzado (top pic, centre), a real fine piece of Filipina fruit. Looks like a more chiselled version of Sarimah Ibrahim. Apparently got into the public eye after a Pantene ad and counts her cellular as her most treasured item. What a bimbo. Very nice.

Most memorable line:
"I don't want to be bitten by a snake, I don't even have a love life yet". And yes, in that accent. Fuckin hilarious.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
One and a half. Sad excuse for a movie but probably did good things for the girls' profiles and got them into the good books of GMA Films.

The Grapes Of Wrath (1940)

Sure don't look none too prosperous.

At a glance:
Decidedly didactic socialist film starrin Henry Ford (pic), based on a book that won a Pulitzer and a Nobel Prize for Literature. Of course I'm too young to know but I guess it really was the most talked about movie and novel in the day. Within 15mins into the show, you'd soon understand why - it has some very unambiguous things to say about poverty (and even feminism), presented in the most politically dangerous way. This means it's easy to believe the shit. No wonder it's a historically important film.
I can't remember if I cried:
When I read that the book had this bit (not included in the movie) where Rosasharn gives birth to a stillborn and then offers her milk-filled breasts to a starvin man who was dyin in a barn. Wouldda made quite a heartbreakin scene.
Watch out for:
The bit where the old man refused to go. All to familiar to me. Also, John Carradine as the creepy ex-priest Casy is particularly hauntin.
Most memorable line:
Tom Joad: Sure don't look none too prosperous.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Thoroughly entertainin movie that really has somethin to say. Wish non-American kids could have this as part of their curriculum too, so that they could grow up knowin Depression is an economic term and not just an emotional one.★★★★

Mongol (2007) @ Монгол

At a glance:
I guess the two most famous Mongolians I could think of are Altantuya Shaariibuu and Genghis Khan, so I've come to unfairly associate them with murder and the macabre. Anyway, back to the movie. Ain't never watched me no Mongolian movie before, so this is definitely interestin, if only to listen to the language. The murderous Mongol (2007) Монгол is Kazakhstan's entry for Best Foreign Film at the 2008 Oscars and it definitely has strong production values, considerin it reportedly took some 25 weeks to shoot, even trainin non-pro horseriders along the way and buildin new roads to remote locations! Epic is no hyperbole here, respect is due.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Although the movie avoided lionisin Genghis Khan and makin him out to be an indestructible superhero/supervillain (would've been the easiest mistake to commit), it perhaps sunk too low in key and ended up murmurin on over two hours at the cinema. The decidedly amoral stand on the titular conqueror contributed to this and we grow detached from him as the movie gallops on. Hopefully the second part of this reported trilogy would improve on some of this. Also, it could've done without so many battles.
Reminds me of:
Big-faced HK icon Alex Man in a TVB series about Genghis Khan. Somethin I watched as a little kid with me mum.
Watch out for:
Sun Hong Lei, who took Best Actor at the 2008 Asian Film Awards for this smug performance as Gengis Khan's adopted brother, Jamukha. Made me wanna watch Blood Brothers again. This guy needs to play a villain in a big Hollywood movie.
Most memorable line:
The bit about goin for "strong legs that can make a man happy" when choosin a wife. Different folks, different strokes eh?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three stars for the obviously painstakin effort.
Bonus material:
Well, I have about a hundred production stills for you. Enjoy.

 

 

 

Director Sergei Bodrov.

Director Sergei Bodrov.

Director Sergei Bodrov.