3 Idiots (2009)

At a glance:
Finally, a movie that no reviewer can be faulted for pinnin five glowing stars to - Rajkumar Hirani's winsome 3 Idiots. Reunitin Rang De Basanti stars Aamir Khan (pic, centre), Sharman Joshi (pic, left) and Madhavan (pic, right), the Munnabhai maestro delivers an endearin crowd-pleaser that's substantial and more importantly, resoundingly entertainin. Backed by producer Vidhu Vinod Chopra and built on a refreshin source material in Cheetan Bhagat's 2004 novel Five Point Someone (a bestsellin English novel in India about three strugglin students at the Indian Institute of Technology in Delhi), looks like Bollywood saved the best for last in 2009's curtain frame. This is a triumphant picture in every sense of the word. Chroniclin varsity days never looked more fun than when a 44-year-old Aamir Khan plays Rancho, an avant-garde ME student at India's leadin university who knows the difference between gettin a degree and gettin an education. Told in flashbacks, we follow Raju (Sharman Joshi) and Farhan (Madhavan) as they track him down, years after he disappeared from uni mysteriously. Thrown in the mix are a colourful set of characters - the draconian, by-the-book Don King dean Viru Sahastrabudhhe (Boman Irani) they not-so-fondly dub Virus, his disillusioned daughter Pia (Kareena Kapoor) and also the unrelentin sore loser Chatur "Silencer" Ramalingam (Omi Vaidya) who insists that academic distinction is achieved solely by acin exams.
Reminds me of:
Uni days. The heart of the story is about missin out on fun and the true meanin of learnin, as most students in India (and obviously elsewhere) chase their parents dreams in pressure pots called universities. However, while this screen treatment can be preachy and overly simplistic at times, it's delightful narrative keeps the movie at a zoobi doobi pace, allowin the audience to overlook some of the more contrived and predictable sequences. There are only five music tracks (Aal Izz Well, Zoobi Doobi, Behti Hawa Sa Tha Woh, Give Me Some Sunshine and Jaane Nahin Denge) but they serve ever so well to keep the momentum of the adventure.
Most memorable line:
Rancho: "Chase excellence and success will follow you, pants-down."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's truly a wonder how 3 Idiots can be successfully driven by three male leads with relatively little screen time for the only female lead played by Kareena Kapoor. End product is a memorable knockout picture that surely sits well with the handful of Hindi films in every 10 years or so that we concede as both commercially and critically acclaimed. Although the movie will be available for download on YouTube three months after its theatrical release (a move to fight piracy), this isn't a movie you would want to miss at the cinemas.

Men In White (2007) @ 鬼啊!鬼啊!

At a glance:
Remember this crap? Men In White (note that two of the ghosts are actually women) mope about in an abandoned apartment, livin off mouldy oranges and grilled pork offerings. Our ghoulish misfits include, amongst others, the Hip-Kwan-Do (don't ask) gangsta-rappin twins played by Xavier Teo and Ben Yeung, a naggin old madam (Alice Lim), a young girl (Ling Lee, pic) and an obsessive badminton player (Shaun Chen). Stuck in a state of limbo and bored brainless, the lot of them go harassin the livin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Told chapter by chapter (e.g. can ghosts fall in love?) in what must be an attempt to provide some semblance of structure, it first appears promisin. Soon, it just breezes by like a flurry of sketches, never havin somethin significant to say. If indeed insignificance is the very point, then I'd argue that even as light entertainment, it doesn't have that engagin quality which endears you to it. Contemporaries like Scary Movie 3 might have been infinitely shallower than this, but at least there are scenes we remember for a particular quality. The most arrestin this movie ever got was when the MTV clips came on because the songs were actually quite catchy.
Perennial wonderment:
Kelvin Tong (the only Singaporean director whom I can attest to be a nice guy), found early success with his horror hit The Maid but here he shot off in as many directions he could, all at once. Employin a young cast of pretty faces not mainly known for their actin, he's managed to create an image for this film which invites you to speculate on its content. Infused with a particular blend of Hokkien, English, Cantonese and Mandarin dialogue which is exclusive to people who live in conditions where they hear all four, one does feel that the target audience is restricted to only the two Chinese diaspora on either side of the causeway. It's a good thing Tong went on to shoot a decent horror in Rule #1 and we're now waitin for his Kidnapper, due 2010.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Men In White doesn't cut it as a rewardin social commentary. It isn't purely slapstick comedy either. What it does feel like is a well-financed, independent pilot episode of what could be a weekly half-an-hour sitcom series, reekin of esoteric Singaporeana and forever lost in translation to those who can't figure out why car accidents and 4D opportunities are so hilarious. With its overdone personalities and uneven execution, Men In White never took itself seriously. We shouldn't either.

Barbed Wire Dolls (1975) @ Frauengefängnis

At a glance:
The less is said about these old exploitation films, the better. However as a Women In Prison (WIP) product, apparently there is a historical importance in movies like these. They're made because floggin and other types of torture were outlawed in commercial porno but people still had to get their S&M fix somehow, innit? In this Jess Franco flick, his real life playthin Lina Romay is a girl who accidentally kills her dad (Franco himself) as she was defendin herself from incestuous rape. In jail, she meets a loony dominatrix wardress (Monica Swinn in hotpants with a monocle) and various other oversexed lesbians or in-house psychos, as she learns about the corrupt, self-subsistin penitentiary.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Maybe this would be wonderful viewin in those days but the shock value here isn't really felt. I can't believe how many reviews they are out there discussin this movie's merits. Borin bollocks. Prefer those Pam Grier movies.
Reminds me of:
Thriller: A Cruel Picture but at least that was interestin.
Watch out for:
Ridiculous slo-mo rape chase scene. Wtf. Instead of shootin it in slo-mo, they actually did everythin slowly.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Schlockmeister supreme Jesus Franco is one man who can make nudity borin. In a movie with scenes of cigarette-aided masturbation and nude electrocution, I can't believe it's so difficult to finish watchin this movie.

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

At a glance:
Spoofin horror movies never got a better billin than the Scary Movie franchise. Among the parodied are Signs, Gothika, 8 Mile, The Matrix and The Ring it seems.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Hate this mind-numbin bollocks. Watched the openin scene to ogle at Jenny McCarthy and Pammy Anderson in their see-through shirts - my fantasy blondes as a pimply teen. The rest of the show can go in the bin.
Perennial wonderment:
If the Movie movies will ever stop. By the way, there's a Scary Movie 5 bein reported on IMDb.
Reminds me of:
The VCD era in Malaysia. Ain't worth the polycarbonate its burned on.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The Storm Warriors (2009) @ 风云II

At a glance:
Storm Warriors has a lot of fans. We have the type who read the 1989 source material and saw the first movie. Then we have the electronic type that are brought in by the producers in large numbers to blow at Aaron Kwok and Ekin Cheng's hair. More graphic novel movie than martial arts epic, this sequel to 1998's HK cinema milestone Storm Riders is the greatest incarnation of Ma Wing Shing's celebrated Fung Wan comic and nothin short of box office blitz is expected when entrusted in the able hands of directors Danny and Oxide Pang. However, when the brothers themselves tell you that no decent movie critic can avoid comparin this wuxia reupdate to that Spartan SFX feast 300 because it uses the same software (!) that's when you know you have a novelty movie in your hands. Indeed it's special effects before story as we're swirled and twirled into the windy world of Nip Fung (Ekin Cheng) and Bou Keng Wan (Aaron Kwok) as the two heroes (and their emo hair) return to the silver screen after so long to battle evil once more. The story starts off coherently with some reference to the first movie and we are soon made to understand that this will be a two-hour battle with Wind, Cloud and Nameless (Kenny Ho, pic) against evil Lord Godless (Simon Yam) and his equally evil son Heart (Nicholas Tse). Layabout Piggy King (Lam Suet) joins the story later on, together with Lord Wicked (Kenny Wong Tak Bun), Second Dream (Charlene Choi) and Chu Chu (Tang Yan).
Bad news on the doorstep:
However, this synopsis is too simple - or frankly, unnecessary. In a CGI-heavy project such as this, too much have gone into dazzle and the story predictably suffers. Borin, really. Aside from Aaron Kwok who sustained some over-reported injuries, the supportin cast have little to do. That's why you won't mind soft porn actor Kenny Wong as an armless sifu or cute newcomer Tang Yan, who replaces Shu Qi as Cloud's romantic interest Chu Chu to no useful effect.
Perennial wonderment:
Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok never age.
Watch out for:
Incredibly bad actin by Ekin Cheng near the end. Very poor.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I slept through this movie TWICE. Let the next one be better, since we know Ekin and Aaron will still look young enough to do it. ★★

Basil (1998)

At a glance:

Claire Forlani masters the quintessential CFM look.

Apparently based on a decent 1852 novel by Victorian writer Wilkie Collins, The Count Of Monte Cristo meets The Man In The Iron Mask in this predictable period drama about a sheltered nobleman's son named Basil, played by prettyboy Jared Leto. Christian Slater's in there too, together with the exquisite Claire Forlani. She was on the cover of this shitty VCD I found lyin around. That's why I watched the movie.
Bad news on the doorstep:
An IMDb user rightly jested: The reason why the two lead roles are played by Americans is because no self-respectin British actor would be caught dead in this movie. That's harsh but it's probably not too far from the truth. The whole flick is close to two hours but the elements in it are dry and derivative, despite the period detail.
Perennial wonderment:
Claire Forlani - do you think she's as slutty as she looks in real life?
Watch out for:
A visual of a woman lyin on the floor, post-abortion. This caused the movie to get the R-ratin, apparently.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
You can watch it for the performances, I guess. Two stars. Filmmaker Radha Bharadwaj never wrote or directed another movie since.
Bonus material:

"I can't believe you got me into this movie, Jared."

Mulan (2009) @ 花木兰

At a glance:
Disney days like these, it's hard to get a good adaptation that satisfies the senses and still educates the young. Good thing then that the oft-told legend of ancient woman warrior Fa Mu Lan is in many ways, a wonderful fairy tale. The subject matter (a girl who goes to war disguised as a man to keep her enlisted father safe at home) has produced some wonderful films; Shaw Brother's 1964 huangmei classic Lady General Hua Mulan and also the American animation treatment ten years ago, Mulan come to mind. For this Jingle Ma Hong Kong addition, we're very lucky to have the talented Vicki Zhao a.k.a. Zhao Wei (the Red Cliff movies) leadin the lineup in more ways than one. It was always goin to be a battle to tell a story as tough as Mu Lan's.

Russian singer Vitas has a token gweilo role.
He also provided the song Beneath the Glory for the score.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Took the easy way out by focusin on romantic aspects. Whole project seems like a rush job (note remarkably uneventful openin sequence) with uneven focus and excessive emo downtime (intrusive violin score). Mulan is epic only in costume and settin, but little else, especially if you're lookin for a memorable sword-and-sandal adventure. While Vicki (pic, R) may win over enough feminist sympathisers with this performance, the movie does her no justice by skippin past the powerful turns in the movie, investin in teary scenes when the audience have yet to be convincingly let in on the magnitude of her sacrifice, or war, or love for that matter. Her pairin with Chen Kun (pic, L, I think he was in Painted Skin) is flat because the romance between Mu Lan and fellow soldier Wen Tai is brief and underdeveloped. As for the rest of the cast, Jaycee Chan (Invisible Target) gets to play a blunderin footman in yet another likeable loser role, while Hu Jun (Everlasting Regret) is the one who ends up havin a meatier turn as the villainous general. The prominently announced part of CJ7 tomboy Xu Jiao as the young Mu Lan is only a brief, token show while the bizarre appearance of a Caucasian character (A Russian singer called Vitas) is also questionable.
Perennial wonderment:
If next year's Chow Yun Fatt biopic Confucius can return the great epics to Hong Kong cinema credentials. This one sure didn't do nothin for me.
Watch out for:
Vicki Zhao. The 33-year-old China-born actress knows how to put on a show. Blessed with big, bright eyes and a soft demeanour but ever-willin to do some bruisin ass-kickin in recent films, her rise to stardom is probably just as spectacular as her titular character if you go cross-century. However, her screen appeal is the singular drivin force behind this effort.

"You're not my father!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This 2009 Mulan reupdate isn't an essential watch, though it does have a few Joan Of Arc moments. Best remembered as a good vehicle for Vicki Zhao's risin star. Watch out for her in the upcomin 14 Blades opposite Donnie Yen. Two stars from me for now.
Bonus material:
Here's a goldmine of 50 behind-the-scenes stills that I've got for you. Enjoy.

Chen Kun & Vicki Zhao on the set