Thursday, 30 April 2009

The Incredible Hulk (2008)


At a glance:
Another recent Hulk addition, followin Ang Lee's 2002 effort, starrin Edward Norton, Tim Roth and my lovely Liv Tyler. A glarin green blemish on their wonderful actin CVs if you ask me.
Bad news on the doorstep:
A cartoon! What am I? Twelve?
Hate both the recent Hulk projects, can't decide which is worse. Problem lies with my fond memories of the TV classic. I can't accept Hulk bein made into a superhero movie. It's a much more human story than that. CGI Hulk is just too easy. The TV series with Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno was more captivatin and endurin. The appeal is similar to that other series I loved as a kid, Beauty And The Beast with Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton. Quality family time watchin that.
Perennial wonderment:
Liv Tyler, starrin in yet another instantly forgettable movie.
I can't remember if I cried:
When I saw Tim Roth turn into an evil Hulk-like nemesis. Is that part of the story in any of the comic timelines? It felt so contrived. Really lost interest at that point.
Reminds me of:
The good old days when superhero movies aren't about the most awesome SFX. Also, I guess this will forever remind me of my first SG journey the Odyssey bus, on which I watched it.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two? Really not my kinda thing.
"Is the movie over yet?"
FREE ONLINE FUCK

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

At a glance:
Shock torture porn, semi-docu style, but not without some critical importance. Pic seems to work because there is a real and substantial mockery of civilised society here, interlaced with plenty of explicit imagery of bizarre sexual acts, tribal rituals and graphic animal slaughter, which are all pretty darn interestin if you ask a sick fuck like me. Much talked about by those who're into extreme cinema.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Banned in its native Italy and a few others upon release, the movie is still controversial today. Some countries have since lifted the ban, some won't. No surprise there when you read that they dropped murder charges against director Ruggero Deodato only after he explained the SFX behind how the girl was impaled in one scene (pic). This was because the actors signed contracts agreein they'd disappear and keep low profiles so that people might really believe they died while makin a documentary in the jungle, which is part of the story. You might find many versions to download. Watched mine on an original R3 Thai disc.
Reminds me of:
Anthony Wong in Ebola Syndrome. Haha. On another note, director was reportedly pissed off at similar movies like Blair Witch Project and The Last Broadcast, which didn't cite enough referential credit to his movie.
Watch out for:
The celebrated scene that teaches you how to process a turtle for dinner. Sure makes you think twice about terrapin soup from now on, doesn't it?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. I was quite entertained, especially with Riz Ortolani's amazin score. Even that culture goldfish numbnuts Johan remembers the music. Man also scored Mondo Cane.
Trailer for the curious:

Monday, 27 April 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

At a glance:
Mr. Jackman finally comes full circle - from Aussie nobody to co-producer of his own spin-off (series?) for the feral character he has played for more than 10 years. It does appear than he's sincere about playin this role and that he has taken the character closer to his heart.
Bad news on the doorstep:
The online leak of a near-complete downloadable movie, surfaced a month or so before general release. Hugh said it was like "taking a picture of the bride before she puts on her makeup".
I can't remember if I cried:
When I saw how grossly miscast Gambit was. Maybe the actor (pic) isn't entirely to blame but a Gambit who had no wisecracks with ol' Wolvie and no women hangin off his shoulder is no cajun cavalier. They didn't even get the cardsharp bit right.
Reminds me of:
The time I made an *aluminum* claw out of Coke cans and cut this kid in school with it. There was blood. I was 11 or 12 and I thought I was Wolverine. Honest. I even thought this girl I fancied was Jean Grey and the guy who got her instead of me was Cyclops.
Watch out for:
Lynn Collins, the ethereal Arwen-type chick you might remember playin fair Portia in the 2004 version of The Merchant Of Venice. She calls Wolverine a kuih kuat sup in the movie and gets some memorable screen time. However, the most outstandin character that is fleshed out to every fanboy's approval must be Sabertooth, played by a stocky Liev Schreiber. Man even looks like a lion.
Most memorable line:
"I'm Canadian". Haha.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?A solid three. Please let someone like Christopher Nolan do another.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Notorious (2009)

At a glance:
How do you best tell the story of Christopher George Latore Wallace, better known as The Notorious B.I.G. in 123mins? Gangsta rapper, lyrical genius, crack dealer, father, son, husband, hooligan and hustler. Remember a duel with Pac when he says "If I fart on a record, trust me nigger that shit's gonna sound good" ? Movie sadly sidesteps the need to address the man, deliverin a start-stop account of the slain artiste with no real opinion or angle. You would've thought someone who died at 24 deserved a better movie, especially when Biggie's mum and P. Diddy (or whatever he calls himself nowadays) are co-producin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Many biopics seize the posthumous opportunity to apologise for the deceased but this slips into the comfort zone with its pedestrian script, highlightin key events in Biggie's short life with the least controversy. With the exception that the movie follows Biggie's 'wasn't me' stand with regards to Pac's shootin, everythin else is MTV fluff. Lotsa lights and champagne but East Side shouldn't be celebratin.
I can't remember if I cried:
When the negro who plays Pac appears. An embarrassment in castin logic, considerin the man not only looks nothin like him but he makes himself look fuckin dumb for someone who's hip-hop royalty. Angela Bassett as Biggie's mum looks like she could have easily done him in. In fact, any of the women in this movie could've pistol-whipped him, together with the actor who played Lil' Cease, who looked about 10 years old.
Watch out for:
Naturi Naughton-Jamal Woolard sex scene. Nobody's gonna believe the fat man's short cock could be dug out far enough from the folds of fat to enable the chick to ride it in such a manner. Hear that, Bob?
Most memorable line:
No self-respectin fan would buy any of the lame self-narration from Gravy. Biggie Smalls would never say those pussy ass lines.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mediocre . The bastard deserved better.


Bedazzzled (2000)

Bone Town
At a glance:
Elizabeth Hurley: Classical English beauty.
Fun adventure involvin one of Brendan Fraser's most endurin dweeb reincarnations, Elliot Richards, who sells his soul to the devil (necessarily played by the English hotness that is Liz Hurley) to get the girl of his dreams. Stupid and funny, without bein embarrassin. Makes me wanna try and find the 1967 original with Dudley Moore to see if he was any more pathetic than Fraser in this. I'm sure it can't be.
Watch out for:
The alleged 19 different 'devil' outfits that Hurley wears in the movie. Also reported is a scene where she apparently shows too much, while about to sit down at her desk. Don't remember it though.
Most memorable line:
Fraser as the overly-sensitive guy: "Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimmin by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. (making dolphin noise) ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee." Pathetic.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half. Who doesn't like a bit of silly fun every now and then?

Desktop Strippers

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Brighton Rock (1947)

The BEST eCigaretteAt a glance:
Brighton Rock movie review Harcourt Williams Hermione Baddeley 1947 Richard Attenborough black and white porno slut bitchRichard Attenborough plays Pinkie Brown (pic), bad ass sociopath Brit gangster from Graham Greene's 1937 novel. The gangster character is particularly memorable because he was Catholic and he doesn't smoke nor drink - but he's one psycho mofo you wouldn't want to mess with. Title is a reference to the sugar stick candy they commonly sell at seaside towns in Britain, methinks.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Fuckin lost the Sunday Times free DVD to fuckin airport customs. I'm gonna fuckin get you Rasid bin Ahmad. I'm gonna put a smile to that face.
Reminds me of:
Scarborough with a Bruneian beauty, a friend of mine. The seaside backdrop in this film is ace.
Watch out for:
A remake, reported in the works last year by Variety. Wonder if it'll happen.
Most memorable line:
“You wanted a recording of my voice, well here it is. What you want me to say is, ‘I love you’. Well I don’t. I hate you, you little slut.”
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Young Attenborough's turn as twisted Pinkie is rated in many Best Screen Villain lists that I've read. It's quite an engrossin flick at any rate. ★★★★
Richard Attenborough and Carol Marsh in Brighton Rock (1947).The BEST eCigarette

Young Adam (2003)

At a glance:
A rather claustrophobic sex-soaked drama about a bloke who knows somethin about a dead woman found in a river. Yes, it's another movie where you can see Ewan McGregor's one-kilo knob, just like Rogue Trader, Trainspotting, Stay and my favourite McGregor film, The Pillow Book. Movie has no real resolution nor reward but it's shot marvelously and does have some pretty interestin performances.
Perennial wonderment:
Tilda Swinton, who plays an adulterous and brutally amoral old hag in this movie. She's completely unattractive yet you still wanna boink her, just like in Orlando.
Reminds me of:
David Cronenberg's Spider with Ralph Fiennes. It has that same kind of troubled quietness to all its scenes. However it's more of a one-man drifter movie than a mystery-thriller like that one.
Watch out for:
An absurd sex scene involvin custard (good custard too, insists Ewan's character) - this scene is apparently so bizarre and outrageous that the baffled actor questioned the director many times about it. For the pervo, it was absolutely great seein Emily Mortimer nude in that scene. Voted one of the worst sex scenes ever in fim history - and I absolutely enjoyed it. Hell I've been in love with Emily Mortimer's body since Robert Carlyle got a taste of it in The 51st State. Lucky cunt.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half. Those Scottish river life scenes were just as interestin as the sex scenes.


Factotum (2005)

alcoholic sex
Depressed? Always.
At a glance:
Glorious screen adaptation of what must be a brilliant book written by that lunatic Charles Bukowski, who apparently actually went out there and did some of this stuff. In this movie, his screen alter ego Henry Chinaski is a clever bastard nobody who refuses to be somebody - in the most cinematic, yet compellingly sincere way possible. Solid performances by Matt Dillon (who plays the lead bastard Hank well, although some say he's too good-lookin for the role) and Lili Taylor (completely believable white trash alkie girlfriend of Hank's). Marisa Tomei's decent bit as the casual fuck interest appeared slightly disjointed from the story. Oh well, you get to see her tits.
One of the most memorable white trash portrayals ever.
Reminds me of:
My fuckin piece of shit self, if I were cooler. It's a shame some chinamen such as myself can't grow facial hair. It's like we care more about our appearance or our daily undertakings by genetic default.
Watch out for:
The dreamy you'll-never-be-as-cool-as-me monologue finale, complete with stripper and lounge music. Stay for the Dadafon track Slow Day at the end credits too. Hauntin.
Most memorable line:
The sexist and machochistic conversation between Hank and Lenny in the car, culminatin with "Who wants a woman like that?!?" Classic exchange.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Fuckin ★★★★★ stars for a movie that goes some way towards explainin people like the writer behind this blog. Please allow me to associate myself with the movie. Please.
Bonus material:
A real writer, at last.

Friday, 24 April 2009

Sniper (2009) @ 神枪手

Afsaneh Baygan Cafe Setareh Iranian sex lebanon milf seksi melayu tetek 3gp tudung anwar ibrahim liwat jubur tengku azura arabian nights escort 叶璇 michelle ye sniper 神枪手 edison chen naked photo pics sexBoneTown Sex Game
At a glance:
Dante Lam's long sidelined sniper flick starrin that man Edison Chen as a rookie shooter caught between his loyalty to the team leader (a 60% sterner Richie Ren) and an outlawed ex-cop (Mainland poster boy Huang Xiao Ming) who was once top marksman. Accessorisin chicks like Mango Lam and Michelle Ye only an afterthought to the story.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Bullet in the mail for Edison Chen, can't go nowhere to promote the movie. This movie was my first non-local world premiere. I was sneaked in for the after-party and even met Dante himself. Wish I were more prepared, couldda asked him some stuff. Ah nevermind, the free Heine was good.
Watch out for:
The silly ass CG scene of a sniper bullet splittin a coin. What balls.
Most memorable line:
"S4 - confirmed". Watch the movie to find out about the only part of the movie which was excitin.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
At least they kept it short. ★★ 1/2

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Poison (2001) @ Thy Neighbor's Wife

The BEST eCigaretteAt a glance:
What, just one glance? You won't be able to take your masturbatatory eyes off Kari Wührer, star slut of this B-grade erotic thriller, styled like an oversexed version of The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992). She's got heat. More than Rebecca De Mornay in that movie, but admittedly less than, say, Liz Berkeley in Showgirls (1995).
Perennial wonderment:
Why this fine piece of MTV VJ booty never made it big beyond shyte TV movies like Eight Legged Freaks (2002) and The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003). Probably because her best asset is her body, as she herself concedes. Oh well, there's more to life than bein a big movie star. She's married with three kids now.
Reminds me of:
Any sort of sexual activity near a swimmin pool. That nude-coloured bikini is still in my head after all these years.
Watch out for:
The bit where she has sad sex with the cryin dad and also the bit where she straddles the stupid-lookin son on the bed and fucks him silly.
Most memorable line:
Wasn't payin attention to any.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
★★ 1/2  for some decent sleazy entertainment. For a more substantial movie starrin Kari Wührer, check out King Of The Ants (2003). 

The Panic In Needle Park (1971)

"Your love is like bad medicine."
At a glance:
Now this is what I call a movie about drugs. Fuck Trainspotting (1996). That's too stylish. This is downright dirty, hopelessly grim and plain I-don't-wanna-live-no-more-please-poke-this-needle-through-my-eye. It's a slow-burnin drama about a couple's descent into a life of addiction. You start starin down into a big black hole right from the off. You wanna help but you can't. "God help Bobby and Helen - they're in love in Needle Park."
Reminds me of:
Ingmar Bergman's Scenes From A Marriage (1973), another otherworldly movie (removes you to a place so damned distant, detached and depressin). Not even sad sex can save you from the blues after watchin this film.
Watch out for:
Al Pacino. Apparently the studio suits were convinced about him bein right to play Michael Corleone in Godfather only after shown his performance in this movie.
I can't remember if I cried:
When I read about how Kitty Winn, the lead actress who scooped Best Actress at Cannes for this film, walked away from moviemakin and started a family. Her performance in this, how the character arc frustrates the viewer, is so fuckin gorgeous. You could feel like reachin your hand into the TV and wantin to pull her out to save her.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's a four star movie just for gettin to see closeups of needles prickin the skin. R-rated, I read.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

The Vampire Who Admires Me (2008) @ 有隻僵屍暗戀你

Live WebcamsAt a glance:
Poster looks too similar to other Wong Jing projects but picture turned out surprisingly decent. His prodigy director Cub Chien outdoes the master in this rather fun movie, what with the bikini chicks and intentionally cheap horror FX, using at least one of the girls from Beauty And The 7 Beasts to boost visuals. A lot of skin to look at but unlike that previous Eric Tsang-starrer, Vampire has superior humour. Not that you have to thank any of the girls for it. They're young, they're hot, they're ridiculously dumb and they have huge breasts hidden behind poor excuses called bikinis, while runnin away from a vampire king under even more ridiculous circumstances. Don't you just miss proper sleazy HK films? Roger Kwok and Xia Yu also provide some much-missed old school classic horror humour throughout the show. Story never gets slow and they know precisely when to cut their losses.
Watch out for:
The 101 scenes of gratuitous titties bouncin here and there. Special mention to busty Natalie Meng (pic, bright orange tie-dye) and also Pan-Asian Annie Belieke (pic, colourful bikini) or whatever the hell she's called. Should be a pornstar.
Best line:
Big-titted Girl #1 to Big-titted Girl #2: "You're so cheap. Why are you in here - can't you see I already got my clothes off for him?"
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half. Could do with more if there were some decent sex scenes.
Bonus material:
CamWithHer Cam Girls

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Flash Of Genius (2008)

"One day, I'm gonna invent me an intermittent-speakin wife."
At a glance:
Laborious drama about this one bloke Robert Kearns, who apparently invented (gasp) the intermittent windshield wiper on cars, back in the 60s. Some will have you believe that this is a David-Goliath story about a family man who was cheated and buried under years of litigation by Ford, rest will tell you that they're makin a hero out of a peculiarly (and ridiculously) stubborn fella who happened to patent somethin that others didn't, or were goin to anyway.
BoneTown Sex Game
Perennial wonderment:
"Shit. No wiper can help me now, can it?"
Lead actor Greg Kinnear, one of the most underrated and underexposed Hollywood stars ever. Loved him in Auto Focus (2002) and also Little Miss Sunshine (2006). He's the sort of actor whose billin is enough to make me watch movies like that shitfest Feast Of Love (2007), though even he couldn't save it.
Reminds me of:
That other movie about a genius who loses his mind (and subsequently his loved ones) because of his occupational obsession - A Beautiful Mind (2001). Got a good balance too between courtroom drama and everyday scenes, like Erin Brockovich (2000).
Watch out for:
The 1000megawatt smile of Lauren Graham. The sweet type. Not mine.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three stars. Kinda long at 119mins, not too sure if it was worth it but these stories need to be told. Official site very well designed too.
Bonus material:

Hooray!!
Free Live Adult Cams

The Hairdresser's Husband (1990) @ Le Mari De La Coiffeuse

Free Live Adult CamsAt a glance:
Anna Galiena obliges.
One of the more enjoyable (and accessible) Patrice Leconte films, about a kid who fantasises over a fat hairdresser and her tits, so he gets a haircut every bloody week. Kid grows up to be a peculiar fiftysomethin man (the evergreen Jean Rochefort) and meets a hot hairdresser (a gorgeous Anna Galiena) so thus begins a FUBAR relationship of which the climactic end will surely piss you off if you're not used to watchin French movies.
Perennial wonderment:
Why can't I find more movies with Anna Galiena, whose tits you might last remember from Jamón, Jamón (1992) or more recently in Tinto Brass' Black Angel (2002).
Reminds me of:
I'm not sayin!
Watch out for:
Rochefort dancin crudely to Arabian-soundin music.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars for a tender, tragic movie, with all its French aloofness.
Bonus material:

The best afternoon a man can have.
Free Live Adult Cams

Monday, 20 April 2009

Soul Men (2008)

At a glance:
Not your average black movie, with some genuinely funny moments although the gags are common. Two feudin one-time greats travel to the Apollo to perform a tribute when their foundin trio member dies. Lots of great tunes but loses steam somewhere near the last third. Composed itself for a stronger finish.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Long time comedian Bernie Mac and true soul man Isaac Hayes got their wintermelon beancurd (Canto expression, go ask a mate) before the world premiere. Film was apparently edited to appear more sensitive to this unfortunate development - but still came out as crude and brash as ever. Movie did poorly at the box office, you can read.
Perennial wonderment:
Samuel L Jackson, who plays Samuel L Jackson in every movie.
Watch out for:
Feature song Puppet - "I'll do funny things if you want me to, I'm your puppet..." Brother Ons was apparently quite taken with this tune.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three ought to do it.
The day the music died:

R.I.P Bernie Mac (1957-2008).

Sunday, 19 April 2009

The Moss (2008) @ 青苔

Free Live Adult Cams
At a glance:
Oily sex, crooked cops and kindly whores - what's there not to like? Lotsa atmospheric stuff here, like the wet heat theme (as opposed to the dry one in that German gem Dog Days) and an embarrassment of sexy photography that unfortunately took a little focus out of the story. I gotta say this Derek Kwok fella sure knows how to shoot ugly things.
Reminds me of:
The previous Derek Kwok film The Pye-Dog - just as artsy and just as involvin, only less admirable. Also reminds me of that Chapman To film Isabella. These films are all an offbeat Asian showcase of moral ambiguity.
Watch out for:
The oily sex.
Most memorable line:
Paraphrased: "I said I was gonna grow up to be strong like a tree but my mum said trees get cut down. She said be like moss instead. It survives wherever there is water and sunlight." Seemed a bit forced (read: pretentious), though it did tie up the title and the story.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mengada-ada endin but still enjoyable.★★★1/2